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Hallmark has just announced its holiday movie schedule and if you have not seen it yet, you have to sit down before watching this bad boy. It's … overwhelming. This year, they release no less than 40 seasonal movies and all I have to say is that there is simply not enough eggnog in the world to understand this list.
Although we know for sure a lot about this long list of films (two on the theme of Hanukkah, this film marathon starts on October 25 and musicals), but this announcement leaves me lot hot questions. Here are some of my concerns about Hallmark's 2019 countdown.
1. Is it absolutely necessary to drop 40 films?
Last year, Hallmark broke its own record by releasing 38 films. Obviously, they decided to try to break this phenomenon by creating 40 movies … but why? Did someone ask them to break a record?
2. How many pounds of fake snow were damaged during the making of these films?
Do you even measure fake snow? In pounds? Are there snow trainees? So many movies with so much snow have convinced me that at Hallmark there is AT LEAST one employee with "snow" in his title.
3. There is indeed an official and secret formula of the Hallmark movie, is not it?
I am convinced that somewhere, there is a very well kept safe that contains all the secrets of creating one of these movies. It's like, "at 37:49 mark, flash for b-roll images of kids making a snowman."
4. Is Gretchen Wieners … in all?
I understand that Santa probably feels very bad for this game "AND NONE FOR GRETCHEN WIENERS", but it is a bit useless to put Lacey Chabert in all the Christmas movies for eternal life. Am I wrong?
Mark
5. Who will replace Lori Loughlin?
Hallmark continues his way without Lori Loughlin … but who could ever take his place? Oh, wait. Maybe the answer is Lacey Chabert, aka Gretchen Wieners.
6. Is all male love a widower?
Apparently, it's the season to fall in love with a guy who lost his wife. It's dark.
7. How is it that every woman has just dumped someone?
We want to see a representation for girls who have been single for 26 consecutive days!
8. Will there be an Elvis hologram in "Christmas in Graceland: Home for the Holidays"?
Or are they going to save money and give us a Vegas mimic?
9. Can we have at least one horror movie?
the Nightmare Before Christmas is one of the greatest movies of all time because it is scary AND joyful. The fact that Hallmark has not yet exploded into a scary shit seems to be a vast oversight.
10. Is true love only in tiny, tiny cities?
Everyone falls in love after leaving a city and going home. Which Hallmark leader was sent back to Times Square and spends 40 movies a year on holiday?
11. Are leads allowed to kiss more than once?
Please show me a Hallmark movie where the two main lovebirds get more action than kissing once. I would really like to see it. Maybe they can make the pair with The single person and give us a vague scenario of Fantasy Suite.
12. Where does all this money come from?
Although it is possible that producing 40 films on the same theme leaves a little room for the economy (they can probably spend the same winter coats without anyone noticing it.) ), it is impossible that it is cheap to create as many films. I guess my main question is: does Hallmark have a money printing machine? And if so … can I visit it? My student loans surely only represent a fraction of the cost needed to produce multiple movies with "Inn" word games in the title.
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