16 Funniest Ted Lasso Quotes: Tea Is ‘Garbage Water’ And God Hates Tie Scores

Ted lasso was not hired as head coach of AFC Richmond for his sense of words. The clumsy American, played to perfection by Jason Sudeikis, was actually hired for her complete lack of football knowledge, although owner Rebecca Welton started to like her after a while.

But Lasso is surprisingly quotable, pouring out his all-American wisdom on everything from the mystifying rules of football to England’s national drink. As fans await the second season premiere on July 23, here are 16 highlights from Ted himself.

Ted on football

Ted ruminates on the beautiful game
“Draws and no playoffs. Why do you do that ?

Ted hates ties
“If God wanted the games to end in a tie, she wouldn’t have made up the numbers.”

Ted really, really hates ties
“No one here is going to kiss their sister. Which is an American phrase that I now realize doesn’t exist here, and that’s good, because it’s scary.”

Ted can’t name a lot of footballers
“Well, yeah, you got Ronaldo, and the guy bending it like him.”

When Rebecca chirps, “you can’t keep a blunder from her pitch”
“I am 0 to 2 in this sentence.”

Ted on tea

When we ask him how he takes his tea
“Well, usually I bring it right back to the counter, because someone made a horrible mistake.”

Ted disagrees with the boss
“OK, well, mark that as the first time we disagree, then.” In fact, no, the second time around. The tea is awful. Pure trash water.

Is it a set-up?
“Be honest with me. It’s a joke, isn’t it? Tea ? Like when we tourists aren’t around, you all know it tastes like garbage?

Ted on British baked goods

Ted explaining scones to his son
“It’s right there, it’s a scone, okay? It’s like a muffin, except it sucks all the saliva out of your mouth.”

Ted on names

Nate gets used to his nickname
“Yeah, until we have another Nate here, I just need you to assume you’re my default Nate.”

Ted in a swimsuit

This is the comparison
“Now listen. You two assholes split our locker room in half and when it comes to changing rooms I like them like my mom’s swimwear, I only want to see them in one piece. “

Ted on eternity

Everyone loves Calvin and Hobbes
“What I can tell you is that except for the wit and wisdom of Calvin and Hobbes, not much goes on forever.

Ted on the whistles

Ted tells Nate to shut up
“For the love of Meghan Markle, don’t whistle anymore.”

Ted on friends

Good use of song lyrics
“It’s just a bunch of people who care, Roy. Kind of like people at a hip-hop concert with their hands not in the air.

Ted on dreams

Ted to Coach Beard as they prepare to take a nap on the plane
“If we see ourselves in our dreams, let’s be a little silly, pretend we don’t know each other.”

Ted’s pun

milk it
“Did you see the Milk sisters somewhere?” Do you want me to go browse the back room?

The second season of Ted Lasso premieres July 23 on Apple TV Plus. Here is how to watch, and here 9 things you might not know on the Emmy nominated show.