Financial Infidelity on the rise: NPR

When Ann and Ed Coambs met 15 years ago, she was impressed by the fact that he had his financial law together: he owned a house, had a job and managed his budget.

But years later, after their marriage, Ann learned something that had shocked her: Ed had secretly borrowed a debt she had hidden from him for over a year.

In the end, the truth was revealed: one night, after their three sons went to bed, Ed told him. Ann remembers the initial shock: "In a few minutes, you say to yourself," What has just been swept under me? ""

Then she is angry.

"Everything in me just wanted to scream and hit a pillow," says Ann, especially when she thought about how he had advocated for openness and transparency throughout their marriage. She wondered, "What do not I know about each other, what else is he hiding from me?"

"When that happened, the trust party was the hardest thing to recover," she says.

Recovering it required couples' consultations, excuses, transparency and time. Even in forgiveness, Ann admits she did not want to repay her debts.

"I think you should get out of trouble for what you have caused," she says.

Conjugal infidelity is well known, but financial infidelity might actually be more common.

The few university studies have estimated that 41% of American adults admit to having hidden accounts, debts or consumption habits to their spouse or partner.

"It seems that financial infidelity is on the rise," said Ted Rossman, industry analyst for CreditCards.com. A recent study by this company revealed that millennia are nearly twice as likely to hide money or accounts from partners than other generations.

It's easier to hide, says Rossman, because of the technology: "You can sign up for the account, you can get the statements, you can do your spending – all without anything appearing in the mail."

Each couple may differ in the definition of financial infidelity. Typical cases often include hiding buying or gambling debts. In other cases, a spouse may siphon funds from family funds for secret purposes. Whatever the case, when the deception is exposed, it often evokes feelings of betrayal and loss of confidence that can lead to the dissolution of the relationship.

"It's hard to understand that anyone could be so fake, someone you thought you understood and read," says Megan McCoy, a professor at Kansas State University and a specialist in financial therapy, a new field. combining financial advice and family counseling.

Money means the security of retirement or the academic education of a child. "And that's why the money struggles are more cruel and last longer" and that financial deception is deeply entrenched, says McCoy.

This is painfully familiar to Ed Coambs. He met Ann 15 years ago at a party he was organizing while they lived at both ends of Houston. At 23, Ed already had his finances in order.

That impressed Ann, who is three years old and struggling with a dentist's debt. "I thought," God, I won the jackpot. It's amazing, "she says.

After two years, they married and settled in Charlotte, Nc. In doing so, they navigated some differences in the way they wanted to manage their funds. Ed, for example, argued for joint accounts.

"I've never imagined that people, as part of a wedding, keep their money in separate accounts or hide from each other," he explains. His parents had joint accounts and everything else seemed foreign.

Ann, meanwhile, said she was nervous about this, partly because she had seen her parents arguing over the money during their divorce. But the money talks with her own husband were not acrimonious, she said.

"I ended up saying, 'OK, let's do this,' says Ann. All their accounts – including those of his dental office – were therefore common and shared.

Ed stayed at home with their young boys and helped him manage his business accounts while his wife supported them. Later, he returned to school to become a therapist, but his counseling practice was slow to take off.

"I had a struggle period," he admits. "It had to do with my own insecurities and what it meant for me to be a supplier or not to be a supplier." It was then that Ed borrowed several thousand dollars on his professional credit card – the only account they did not share – without speaking to his wife.

Ironically, the practice Ed built was based on financial therapy – tips for couples arguing for money. Meanwhile, in the next year, the debt reached more than $ 20,000, but he did not talk to his wife.

In many ways, Ed explains, he has fallen into one of the typical patterns of financial infidelity. He says that many people justify financial infidelity because there is a disparity in income or that they feel deficient. He kept his secret secret, hoping that his business would grow and that he could pay off credit card debt. Instead, the debt has increased. Even for him, it made no sense. He feared how Ann – who called him "Mr. Financially Responsible" – might react.

He says the fear of hiding insulated and depressed him.

"Most of the time, people thought," Well, Ed succeeds, he's smart, he's capable, "he says." Internally, nothing else was farther from the truth. "

It's been over two and a half years since Ed was released with Ann about his debt. He says he has learned to sympathize with those who, like him, break their own moral code – and with people like his wife, who work hard to forgive. The Coambs say that they agreed to tell their story in the hope of helping other people in a similar situation.

To those who are still hiding in the shadows, they say: Go ahead, the sooner the better.