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Dear Carolyn,
My mother designed my brother and I using a sperm donor. This information has never been hidden from us and my mother has spoken about it openly throughout our lives. My father-in-law adopted us.
Recently, I was talking about passing an ancestry test and my mother revealed that her sister and uncle had difficulty conceiving, and my cousin was also a child who gave sperm. However, they did not reveal this to him. my uncle was the source of infertility and did not want her to know (he has ego problems). It's apparently a big secret that no one knows outside of my mother, aunt and uncle.
My mother asked me not to publish publicly about my pedigree test, lest my cousin become curious and want to take one, along with her parents. I am deeply uncomfortable with this. as a sperm-donor companion, I feel obligated to tell him, but I'm afraid of destroying my relationship with my aunt and uncle. What should I do?
– Cousin concerned
Carolyn:
Return immediately to your mother's house with the following:
People who think they can control such information, such as your aunt and uncle and anyone else who sticks to a strategy they've developed before commercial DNA testing, are having fun.
This secret will not remain secret.
Censoring your social media is like closing a window when all the doors are wide open. Your cousin might be curious for dozens of reasons, of which your (impulse to make known your) experience is only one. Moreover, people do not just find; they are found.
And even if it is possible that your aunt and uncle avoid being exposed, it will bring luck, not just the secret management A-plus entrusted persons.
By the way, your mother has totally suffered. She was so wrong to tell you. I realize that she wanted to … protect her sister, I guess? It's hard to see a justification here. However, her calculations were clearly wrong in deciding that the risk your test would inspire for your cousin was worth breaking that trust. The biggest risk for a secret is to say it. Always.
Plus, she put you in a terrible place. I do not agree that your sperm donor status gives you the right to intervene on behalf of your cousin. Meddle or lie by omission.
So, go back to your mother's house. Explain what this secret is for you, for her, for your aunt, for your uncle and for your cousin, in order of increasing importance. She is obviously invested in this project, so urge her to warn her sister that she is running out of time to become the source of the truth for her daughter. Give the right people a chance to solve this problem.
Hello Carolyn:
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year. We work in the same company but in different departments, so we have virtually no interaction in the office or no overlap between friends and colleagues.
I am getting divorced and I am currently separated from my wife. The problem is that my girlfriend does not want anyone to know we're going out together. She is worried about what others may think of her.
I can understand his perspective and respect his wishes. However, as our relationship has progressed in affection and duration, this situation has become increasingly frustrating. I can not help but think that there is more to this hesitation. Is she embarrassed by me or our relationship? Is it something worse? These are some of the thoughts that have started to cross my mind more and more frequently.
Am I paranoid here?
– Secretly frustrated
Carolyn:
I do not know.
I suggest you ask him. Discretion seems reasonable, but discreetly serving as a Petri dish to quickly multiply insecurities can end the relationship – more than anything you said, in fact.
Or, you can choose to trust "affection and duration" and focus on doing everything in your power to complete your divorce, as solving this problem solves everything.
Dear Carolyn,
I am trying very hard to maintain peace in my family because of a major drama about an upcoming bridal shower.
Who can define the guest list? I've always thought that the shower was a gift offered by the host or guests. As such, the host must decide all things. It is of course the courtesy to ask the honored guest who he would like to have, but, as in our case, there are sometimes space or financial constraints.
In the end, is it to the host or the guest of honor who is invited? I try to extinguish fires and help everyone to love and understand each other. Until now, things are not going well.
— Firefighter
Carolyn:
Host says how much, guest of honor says who.
And when it's not so easy: Host tries to host a guest of honor, who then tries not to abuse this privilege.
Carolyn Hax began her counseling column in 1997 after five years as editor and editor of news in Style and none as a therapist. Email Carolyn at[email protected], follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.haxor chat with her online at noon, Eastern Time, every Friday atwww.washingtonpost.com.
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