I felt sorry for those sad elderly people until I learned what they had done – East Bay Times

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Columnist Amy Dickinson (Bill Hogan / Chicago Tribune)

AMY: I have volunteered at a senior care facility. I was sad to see how many families of these people paid for their care but did not come to visit.

But after a while, I learned that many of those people who were so nice to me at the senior care center had been terrible parents.

They had alienated their children for years and now, when they needed their family, they had no relationship to support.

I'm not so quick to criticize.

Was there

DEAR TO BE THERE: A friend of mine is doing some important research on the separation of the family. He said that very often, older parents report that a distance has occurred "for no reason." When he deepens an interview, he often discovers a very good reason – with a lot of denial.

Generally, in relationships, we all reap what we sow.

I assume that nursing home staff have a deep understanding of family dynamics and its impact on the care and attention that children receive from children. But it is difficult, and perhaps unfair, to judge people based on their close knowledge of the end of their lives.

AMY: I am a former foster child. In adulthood, I moved away from my toxic family at 1,500 miles.

I was friendly with my maternal aunt, with whom I lived in the short term during my adolescence.

I am now in my early forties. She has been asking me for 10 years to go to a resort in the Midwest (four hours drive to her) to familiarize our families (my child, grandchildren).

I made the jump and bought plane tickets in January for a five day visit with my aunt, daughter and grandchildren.

She offered to pay a hotel for us, which is out of place.

We are now close to the date of the visit so I checked with her. She told me that because of her busy schedule, she could only spend a day and a half on her visit, not to mention paying hotel fees.

I sent him an email to tell him that I understood the busy schedules, but I feel that I'm not important and it's a big job to make this trip, BUT I'm going to make the most of it and get a cheap motel (I can not afford it's staying at the hotel). Now there is no answer (the cold shoulder is used to control situations on this side of my family).

What would you do? Call her? Drop it and just have a vacation with my family? I feel like I should have known better.

Burned again

DEAR BURIED AGAIN: Yes, you should call him. You've already started your work: "I think I'm not important, BUT I'm going to make the most of it."

These are not the words of anyone who is really ready to make the most of them. And I do not blame you a little.

I think you should take a breath and decide if you want to do this trip at all. This is one of the times you'd better reduce your losses – to lose the cost of plane tickets, instead of spending even more – financially and emotionally – on this trip.

Once you have made your choice, possess it. If you go, make the most of it. It is possible that a personal reconnection suits you. You are now an adult and putting some of these pieces in place as a mature person could foster growth. If you are burned – again – you will have your own immediate family to surround and support you.

AMY: I read today in a recent column, including a letter from "Holding", about the dispersion of her friend's ashes in Ireland.

I live in Galway on the west coast of Ireland and I was wondering if I could help the author.

I wondered if the cliffs she was referring to were the cliffs of Moher, close to my home.

If the cliffs she talks about are nearby, I'd be happy to disperse them for her if she posted them or sent them by courier.

Clare Currie

CHER CLARE: So many kind readers have offered to help "Holding" to disperse the ashes of her friend. I publish your response as an example of the kindness and generosity she demonstrates.

I have forwarded these different offers to Holding and I hope that she will follow and accept this generosity. It would be nice if she ended up setting that aside. Thank you all!

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