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Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn,
The 14-year-old husband is six and a half years younger than me. He wants to retire even if his health is good. Although we are financially well off and we do not need the extra money, I love my job and I intend to continue to to work.
I fully understand his point of view: he has worked hard, can afford it and wants to leave the race. On the other hand, the idea of being the main breadwinner, providing his health insurance and working full time while my young husband is golfing or playing in his studio m 39. really upset. For reasons I do not understand, it bothers me, it makes me angry, it makes me think of him as lazy … just a host of negative feelings.
He is perfectly entitled to retire. Why am I so angry? It has nothing to do with household chores.
— Disturbs
Carolyn:
I am also helpless, unless it is a deep indoctrination by a culture too invested in the work.
Or … would his early retirement prevent you from doing the same? It would be easy. You can enjoy working and still have a hard time getting to know you to have at. The only breadwinners married to housewives are also faced with this situation.
Or … are you a woman? That is, this sexism? The "lazy" label seems to apply freely to men who withdraw from work, but not to women. If that's the case, then you have to eliminate the nasty double standard.
If that escapes you, a good therapist might be able to help you. Treat your feelings as a mystery that you need a detective to help you solve.
Or, give readers a chance:
I would call it old jealousy. This is not necessarily a bad thing if you can keep your emotions under control. I'm constantly jealous of my husband – he does a lot more than me, he can sleep while our 6-month-old crying at night, etc. What I find useful is to realize that each of you sees things differently and for sure that you are safe in your world view.
— Secured
My wife retired while I was still working. It has been exceptional for both of us. My wife is happier, more relaxed and does a lot for both of us. Win win.
– Winner
Look at the positives! You can travel and enjoy life with only one set of work restrictions. If something needs to be taken care of, you do not have to leave your job. This opens up a lot of alternatives. Did I mention the gratitude of being in a strong financial position?
– Positive
Is it possible that these feelings replace the fear of change?
– It's scary
My father retired and my mother continues to work. He took the lion's share of the housework (his mother calls him "the servant" with love) and it worked very well. Dad does not work anymore in her job of soul sucker and Mom is relieved of the "second shift".
– Anonymous
Maybe his subconscious is preoccupied with optics. Support a young man?
– You ask yourself
Carolyn:
Then his subconscious needs a leopard pants and a cocktail. Sheesh. Thank you all.
Carolyn Hax began her counseling column in 1997 after five years as editor and editor of news in Style and none as a therapist. Email Carolyn at [email protected], follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon, Eastern Time, every Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
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