Joe Biden is Joe Flacco

Joe Biden and Joe Flacco share the same first name. Both are from Delaware, one of the weirdest places in America that a person could come from. This is not a problem for Delaware. This cannot be the case, as I do not have the necessary information on Delaware Light, a place that manages to remain obscure despite sitting a two hour drive from New York and Washington, DC If America is your kitchen, the Delaware is the odd little cupboard above the fridge. When was the last time you opened it? It’s been years, hasn’t it?

It is not entirely correct to say that Flacco and Biden are of Delaware. The two got there from Pennsylvania (Flacco played in Pitt and Biden was born in Scranton). In any case, as notable figures associated with Delaware, they are in very exclusive company. This list of the most famous Delawareans can’t even reach 14 without summoning Delino DeShields.

Biden and Flacco both came onto the big stage in 2008, but only after some hesitation. When Obama first inquired about Biden’s interest in the VP slot, Biden declined. Around the same time, Flacco was planning a future in baseball as he saw his prospects in the NFL dwindle.

Their fortunes turned on their baptisms as “lunch bucket” guys who could conquer Ohio. Obama convinced Biden to join the ticket after observing his connection to working-class voters, a perceived skill that could help create swing states like Ohio. A few months ago, the Ravens took a trip to Delaware and watched Flacco throw soccer balls he had picked up on an unpainted field. It was cold, windy, wet and miserable; nonetheless, Flacco performed well. The Ravens picked him in the draft a month later, believing his ability to perform in bad weather would bode well when they visited their division rivals in places like Cleveland and Cincinnati.

They messed up constantly and they still do. The two, in fact, are renowned for being among the most gaff-prone characters in their respective lines of work. Biden plagiarizes a speech by a British MP; Flacco is sacked after holding the ball four seconds too long. Biden blurted out “listen, Fat” to a guy whose name probably isn’t Fat; Flacco airs some absolute shit that would qualify for an intentional grounding if not intercepted. We could do this all day, but let’s leave it to this: Their mistakes all seem to happen because they’re either way too impatient or way too patient.

It’s a struggle to manage these two. The winning formula seems to be to persuade them not to do the same. At the start of the 2008 general campaign, Biden’s tendency to stray from the script angered Obama endlessly. Eventually, the campaign successfully pulled him into a more conservative and classic approach. Over the course of his career, Flacco is 31-49 in games where he has to pitch at least 35 times. Otherwise, it’s a superb 67-27.

Over the years, Flacco has been a mainstay of the Monday Night Countdown blooper segment. It’s hard to pick a favorite appearance, but I’ll go with this one, in which he attempts a forward pass a few yards past the line of scrimmage with the marker right in front of him. Would you like to know what this segment is called? It’s called “Come on, man!”

Back in 2007, when Flacco threw soccer balls into the darkness of the FCS and Biden got absolutely shaved during the Democratic primaries, it was impossible to imagine these two winning a Super Bowl and a presidency. Watch them now! Even in retrospect, neither makes much sense, and both could only have happened under the right circumstances. It was all about the swimsuits they wore. Although Flacco caught fire in the 2012 playoffs, he was carried there by his defense during his own poor and unreliable play. Although Biden has led convincingly in the polls throughout General 2020, he has been transported there via the Democratic establishment forming ranks around him.

In the Super Bowl, Flacco faced off against Colin Kaepernick, who, despite his very good numbers, was ultimately kicked out of the league altogether due to sweeping socio-political views for which, in the establishment’s view, their base was not not ready. Wait, I’ll have a glass of water.

Return. So where are the two now? Incredibly, they’re both # 1 on the depth map. They got here through a cocktail of very specific conditions, but mostly they’re here because they just kept hanging around. Since Flacco entered the league, the sun has both risen and set on a multitude of notable quarterbacks: Kaepernick, Romo, RGIII, Luck, Palmer. All of these men were at one point undoubtedly better quarterbacks than Flacco, who expected them all. Just when it looked like he was reserving his career as a replacement with the Jets, an injury puts him back in the starting role.

We are in 2020 and Joe Flacco’s team is terrible. Historically yes. Now that the Patriots, reactionary darlings and longtime champions of their division, are rebuilding themselves, the Jets finally have a window to face, and they have completely failed to capitalize. After dropping their biggest star from running back Le’Veon Bell, their ground game is really unimpressive. It’s polite to say the Jets are being rebuilt, but what hasn’t been built? They are decades away from their last Super Bowl. It would force them to build something brand new, and if they had that in them, we would have seen it a long time ago.

The old man from Delaware is not the future, and he’s not the answer, but you gotta put a guy over there. Here it is again.