Thanksgiving 2020: How to say no on behalf of Covid

“We choose to stay at home to protect ourselves, our family, friends and the community at large,” she said by email. “Without the Covid pandemic, our plans would not have changed.”

Wellensiek’s concerns are shared by many others. Across the country, many people are responding to the pandemic by making similar decisions about this American holiday. None of these choices are easy, and dealing with feelings of ignoring annual Thanksgiving family traditions can be difficult. Communicating your decision clearly and thoughtfully can be the most difficult task of all.

Note the rules

Long indoor gatherings with a lot of people present more risk than short outdoor shindigs with a privileged few, the CDC noted.

Another factor: the number and rate of Covid-19 cases in the celebratory community.

In areas where those numbers are rising, gatherings pose a much greater potential risk, said Dr Ramon Tallaj, founder and president of Somos Community Care, a network of health care providers serving New York City.

“You have to be smart,” said Tallaj, who helped implement city-wide treatment protocols when New York City was a Covid hotspot this spring. “If cases are on the rise in your area, don’t. If you want to celebrate in a small apartment with a lot of people, don’t. Don’t be different. Really, what’s another year?”

Focus on your safety

If you opt to bail out the tradition this year, etiquette experts say it’s a good idea to express your choice as a personal choice.

By using “I statements,” or statements beginning with the first person pronoun, make it clear to loved ones that your decision has nothing to do with them, said Kianga Kelley-Crowley, founder and owner of Simply a Lady , a label and communications consulting firm in Wichita, Kansas.

“It’s good to say, ‘I’d rather not get together with everyone’ or ‘I’m sorry but we won’t be able to attend this year,'” she said. “Take responsibility for your decision. Accept it. Tell your family members the truth. It is perfectly okay to say that you are focusing on your own safety and prefer to stay at home.”

The etiquette expert said she focused on explaining her decisions only in terms of potential danger – nothing else. This approach made it easier for her to communicate unpleasant news, she noted.

“When you share your feelings in the context of risk – ‘I don’t want to be a virus spreader and put others at risk’ – the feeling is very simple,” said Grotts, who is based in San Francisco. “It’s one of the easiest outings there is. It’s not about you. It’s about other people and what you can do to them.”

Manage feelings

That said, families are complicated, and altering a centuries-old tradition could put you at risk of inadvertently hurting someone’s feelings.

It’s incredibly uncomfortable to say “No, thank you” to people you generally agree with, said Sharman Regensburg, a psychotherapist in East Northport, New York.

Busy interactions with family members, she noted, could lead to further conflict or create serious internal pressures – two situations that can also be difficult to navigate.

Yet, she says, especially when it comes to your own health, you have to speak your mind.

“In scenarios like this, there is rarely a single correct answer,” Regensburg said. “You have to do what you think is best, follow your heart, be reverent in doing it. But also accept that by refusing the invitation, you could alienate that family member for years.

While it’s perfectly normal for you to be sad about refusing Thanksgiving plans, Regensburg said that the emotion of guilt in this case is probably something else.

“You may recognize that you are sad and disappointed, but if you are feeling guilty you are probably feeling angry because your loved one is not honoring your wishes,” she said. “Usually, guilt is what you feel when you’ve done something that you probably shouldn’t have done. In that case, there’s nothing wrong with refusing the invitation, so there shouldn’t be. have guilt. “

Thank otherwise

There are many alternatives for getting together with family members for a traditional Thanksgiving celebration this year. If you want to pursue other options, you can find something to suit everyone.

Perhaps the easiest way is to follow in the footsteps of most workplaces and embrace virtual vacations.

Here, a family member can take on the role of the party planner and organize the meeting, send out invitations and serve as a “host” for the live event. At a basic level, participants can operate the virtual shindig during their respective dinners, so that everyone feels like they are sitting at the table together.

For a more sophisticated approach, Kianga Kelley-Crowley suggested handing out prepackaged meals ahead of time, so everyone eats the same thing at the same time, together on Zoom. To say “We are thinking of you” to her usual holiday co-celebrants, Grotts said she bought them a full Thanksgiving dinner at a supermarket in their area.

As Tallaj suggested, an in-person meeting can also work – provided the event is held outdoors and all parties are wearing face coverings, commit to a physical distance of at least 6 feet and practice good hand hygiene.

To pave the way for this type of gathering, clinical psychologist Angela Waldrop said it may be necessary to ask family members specific questions about how well they have protected themselves. Waldrop likened this quiz to the same type of interview someone might give to a new sexual partner.

Some of these questions are: How often have you come into close contact with people outside your household? How well do you wear face covers and maintain a safe distance from others when on the move? Where outside of your immediate vicinity have you traveled in the past month?

She added that it is important that your loved ones understand why you are asking.

“It’s like interviewing them about where they’ve been and who they slept with,” said Waldrop, who is based in San Francisco. “We can’t control each other, but we have a right to ask – especially during a pandemic.”