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It’s the one question that haunts all Americans as they turn the page on a terrible year: why is “Wonder Woman 1984” so bad?
Why this highly anticipated follow-up to the delightful ‘Wonder Woman’ of 1917 – starring the same stunning Gal Gadot and directed by the same Patty Jenkins and airing for our home viewing on HBO Max as a Christmas present to her subscribers – must- Does it stink the joint like no comic book movie has done since “Howard the Duck” in 1986?
You know things go wrong at first, when we find Diana Prince, Wonder Woman’s alter ego, working at the Smithsonian Institution in Washington in 1984.
In the comics and on television, Diana worked for the Department of Defense, which made sense, as she is said to be the world’s greatest warrior.
But in 2020 in Hollywood, with President Trump in the White House, no film with his heart on the right – by that I mean the left – could put our heroine close to American militarism. Because, of course, the Pentagon is bad! Weapons are bad! (“I hate guns,” Wonder Woman says, crumpling one, which is generous of her, as she has magical bracelets that deflect bullets.) Oh, and since 1984, every third scene has shown someone. ‘one walking around with a “No Nukes” Sign.
Ronald Reagan bad!
Yes, the Gipper is in this movie, although oddly; the actor who plays the 40th president does not really look like him but has his hair and his costumes. And because this one is the Reagan of Hollywood’s berserk fantasies, he wants more nukes.
Either way, Reagan hated nuclear weapons and proposed their complete abolition when he first met Mikhail Gorbachev face to face. The Reagan from “Wonder Woman 1984” wishes hundreds of new nukes in the presence of an over-indebted reality TV businessman – guess who he’s supposed to remind you of – who has become an evil genius.
No, I’m not kidding.
There’s a wish-granting stone. It ends in the back room of a mall jewelry store – who the hell knows why. The Trumpy guy wishes to become the stone, and suddenly he’s Barbara Eden giving Reagan nuclear missiles that Reagan didn’t really want.
Look, I know 1984 was 36 years ago, and I know Hollywood is full of illiterate, ignorant, self-infatuated idiots who can spend $ 250 million on a movie so horrible as the movie “Cats” “looks like” The Marriage of Figaro, “but, uh, maybe google it, Patty Jenkins?
Would it have been that hard to do on one of your breaks after swimming in your Scrooge McDuck pool full of the $ 10 million you paid to co-write and direct this atrocity?
Can I tell you about more amazing things? Wonder Woman wants her dead boyfriend to come back to life, and he does, in Chris Pine, which is the best thing in the movie. He’s been gone since World War I, and so the world of 1984 fills him with dread – especially when she takes him on the subway and he marvels at the passing train.
Hey, Patty Jenkins? Your first film “Wonder Woman” took place in Europe in 1917. There were then subways on the continent. In fact, the London Underground made its debut in 1863. It’s probably fair to say that if a man from 1917 suddenly woke up in 1984, the one thing that wouldn’t wow him. . . a subway.
And what about the astonishing and cheeky plagiarism here? Kristen Wiig takes a ride as a mousy, clumsy lonely person who undergoes transformation into a feline supervillain named Cheetah. If this sounds familiar to you, it’s because you saw it, beat for beat, in 1991’s “Batman Returns” – in which Michelle Pfeiffer did a goofy lonely mouse and person turn who morphs into a feline supervillain. named Catwoman.
To sum up, “Wonder Woman 1984” is just awful. And even . . . I loved it.
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