Amanda Bynes talks about addiction and acting back

It's been almost ten years since the actress announced her retirement, and these years have been marked by a number of arrests and a collapse of the public, with weird quirks on Twitter, bad wigs and even a brief stint in a psychiatric hospital.

Now Bynes, who is studying at the Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising, is determined to show that she is ready to make a comeback, reaffirming her goal of returning to action. She spoke of her tumultuous past to Paper Editor Abby Schreiber for the cover of the magazine, published Monday. Bynes recounted her struggle with her appearance and addiction – "It has become a really dark and sad world for me," she said. She has repeatedly expressed her remorse for the erratic behavior that has nurtured her.

"I'm not afraid for the future," she said. "I lived the worst, I went to the other end and I survived, so I feel like it's just up there."

[Read the full interview here]

Bynes, long admired for her comic beat, had a meteoric rise in the mid-90s after winning a spot on Nickelodeon's popular "All That" show, a series of inspired comedy sketches for young people. Barely three years later, at the age of 13, she was the star of her own hit show, The Amanda Show. She then started a film career alongside Frankie Muniz ("Big Fat Liar"), Colin Firth ("What a girl wants"), Channing Tatum ("She is the man"), and John Travolta and Zac Efron ("Hairspray").

Described by his brother in a 1999 Los Angeles Times article as "an ordinary child," Bynes was in every respect a healthy child who, despite his fame, never adopted a "Hollywood attitude" .

Bynes told PAPER that the characterization was not entirely true.

"I started smoking marijuana at the age of 16," said Bynes, who has been sober for almost four years now. "Even though everyone thought I was the" good girl ", I smoked marijuana from that time."

Bynes added, "I did not become addicted [then] and I did not abuse it. And I did not go out to party or ridicule myself. . . again."

The drug used by Bynes was Adderall, a stimulant commonly used to treat attention-deficit / hyperactivity disorder and narcolepsy. She also said she had experimented with the drug MDMA (also called molly or ecstasy) and cocaine.

Bynes said she was shooting the 2007 movie "Hairspray" when she read a magazine article touting Adderall as "The New Pill" and explaining that women were taking it to stay slim. I thought, "Well, I have to get my hands on it."

In a 2013 tweet that has since been deleted, Bynes wrote that she was suffering from a eating disorder, which led her to "have a hard time staying thin." ", Reported HuffPost.

She also explained to Paper that seeing herself dressed as a boy in the 2006 romantic comedy "She's Man", freely inspired by Shakespeare's "Twelfth Night," was an "extremely strange and extracorporeal experience" the putting "in a fright."

"I stayed in a deep depression for 4 to 6 months because I did not like my physical appearance when I was a child," she said. "I never said that to anyone."

After "simulating the symptoms" of Attention Deficit Disorder to get an Adderall prescription, she "permanently abused" the drug.

In fact, it is the effects of Adderall that led him to leave the film "Hall Pass". Bynes said she was chewing Adderall tablets in her caravan because she thought it would help her to progress.

"I remember biting a bunch of them and literally having my brain cut off and not being able to focus on my lines or memorize them," she said.

Although it was reported at the time that Bynes had been fired from the film, the actress said she chose to leave because she "was so high that I could not remember my lines and did not like my appearance. "

"I made a lot of mistakes but I was not fired," she said. "It was definitely a lack of professionalism on my part to leave them and get them stuck when they had spent so much money on a set, crew, camera equipment, and so on.

Ms. Bynes explained that her decision to retire was largely due to the way she saw herself on camera, adding that the revelation occurred during the screening of her latest film, "Easy A", released 2010.

"I literally could not stand my appearance in this film and I did not like my performance," she said. "I was absolutely convinced that I had to stop acting after seeing it."

Strong marijuana when she saw the movie, Bynes said that she did not know "whether it was a drug-related psychosis or what, but it affected my brain in a different way from that of other people. It absolutely changed my perception of things. "

The actress then abruptly announced her retirement in tweets, a decision she described as "stupid" and "really silly".

"If I was going to retire [the right way]I would have done it in a press release, but on Twitter, "she said. "Very stylish! But you know, I was high and I thought, "You know what? I am so overwhelmed, so I just did it. . . . I was young and stupid. "

Without her acting career, Bynes said she "had no purpose in life" and had started spending all her time being stoned.

"I really got used to drugs and the world became very dark and sad for me," she said, adding that most of her days were spent "at home, gaining height, watch TV and send tweets ".

Bynes's Twitter account was a constant source of food for the news sites and tabloids, who devoured her: she called the Obamas "ugly", for example, and falsely accused her father of "Verbal and physical abuse" that she then repressed.

"I'm really embarrassed and embarrassed by what I said," said Bynes to Paper. "I can not go back, but if I could, I would do it. And I'm really sorry for those I hurt and for whom I lied because it really eats me up. It makes me feel so horrible and sick of sadness and stomach.

She added that everything she had worked on all her life had been "ruined" by Twitter.

At about the same time, Bynes also had several encounters with the law: he had been arrested for various offenses, including driving under the influence, throwing drug accessories through the window of his apartment. Manhattan and presumed to have set fire to an alley. Moreover, in the manner of classic celebrities, Bynes has radically changed his appearance, shaving half of his head and piercing his cheeks.

Her turbulent behavior led many people to wonder if she had a mental illness, to vehemently deny everyone around her.

"It's definitely not fun for people to diagnose you with what they think they are," said Bynes to Paper, blaming his behavior only on drugs. "I know my behavior was so strange that people were just trying to figure out what was wrong."

Now sober, Bynes said that she did not fail to experiment with substances.

"I'm really ashamed of how these substances have made me act," she said. "When I was outside of them, I was completely back to normal and I immediately realized what I had done – it was as if a Alien had literally invaded my body. It's such a strange feeling. "

The actress has given advice to other people who may be struggling with addiction issues, warning that "drugs can really take hold of your life."

"Be really careful because you could lose everything and ruin your whole life as I did," she said.

This month, Bynes will receive an Associate of Art degree in product development from the Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising in Los Angeles, and has plans to license, reported Paper. While she dreams of designing her own clothing line, Bynes said her first priority was to return to the acting profession. The actress expressed the same interest in 2017 during an interview – her first public conversation for four years – with Hollyscoop, an entertainment news program.

Bynes told Paper that she wanted to become an actress again "with enthusiasm and hope for the best", adding that she wanted to "try everything".