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Dear Amy: “Bobbie”, one of my older neighbors, was not a good person. Over the years she has done bad things to me, which has benefited her. Despite all of this, I maintained a good relationship with her.
Bobbie befriended “Ted”, a senior divorced person, and used him for a lot of things – driving her, doing her gardening, painting her house and loaning her a large sum of money. to renovate his house.
She and Ted often went on vacation together. After returning from such a trip, she went into a rant behind her back, trashed it and told me that she couldn’t stand it. Yet she continued to travel with him.
After Bobbie had surgery, Ted came to her house every day to cook for her. I brought food for the two of them, and found out later that she had eaten it all herself.
Bobbie passed away about a year ago and Ted took it really hard. He told me Bobbie was a wonderful person who never said a bad word about anyone. I kept silent.
Many months have passed and Ted is still in mourning.
If Ted mentions again how wonderful Bobbie was, should I tactfully – without going into detail – let him know that she wasn’t the wonderful person he thought she was? Would telling the truth lessen his pain? Or would breaking his idealized image of her depress him even more?
– Undecided
Dear Undecided voter: Informing “Ted” that he is a bad judge of character will not lessen his grief. Instead, this very nice man will go forward feeling bad about himself, “Bobbie” and you.
What is the greatest good for?
You seem to have too much interest in your late neighbor’s relationship with his friend. She’s gone now, and you’re free to remember her in your own way, but you shouldn’t feel pressured into influencing how others remember her.
Dear Amy: I need to know if I am overreacting or if my daughter is putting her life in danger.
I am 68 years old and I live in a “mother in law” studio on my daughter “Kathy” property.
I see her and my grandchildren everyday and love it!
During this pandemic, children are attending school at home. My daughter was looking for new hobbies to keep them busy and engaged.
I recently learned that Kathy and my four grandchildren had exchanged letters with people. This means some random strangers have my grandchildren’s names and our physical address!
I asked Kathy what she was doing, and she said she communicated with these people before exchanging addresses and that she verified and confirmed their identity. She knows them through Facebook (I don’t do anything online).
She says a lot of people do this and that she and the kids made great friends through this correspondence thing.
I’m shocked she’s so stupid! She has no idea who these people are!
They could show up to her house and kill her and kill or kidnap the children!
My son-in-law is not of any help; he told me it was a fun thing for them to do.
I beg you to tell them to stop!
– Grandmother scared
Dear Grandmother: I agree with the caution about starting a correspondence with a pen pal, certainly when there are children involved.
Your daughter has been cautious and has done her best to confirm the identity of the people her children match with. Both parents are involved and committed.
I do NOT share your hysteria about this. Correspondents have been around for as long as people can send and receive letters. Many wonderful friendships have started with correspondence between strangers.
Yes, there is always a risk of revealing your identity and address to strangers, but individuals deal with this risk every day in their online world.
It would be wise to develop a friendly and non-judgmental interest in this regard. This way, children would be inspired to share their correspondence with you, allowing you to make sure that it does not put them at risk.
Dear Amy: Sometimes I get frustrated when you talk about things in your column that I have never heard of. Not everyone knows popular TV shows, movies, or books as much as you do.
Please make your answers accessible to everyone.
– Disturbs
Dear Upset: If you come across a reference that you don’t know, I hope you find it or ask someone to inquire.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
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