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Joe Biden gave his first press conference on Thursday. No president has ever waited this long to answer questions in public, and we weren’t entirely sure that would happen. A White House reporter saw Biden walking around and asked if he was ready for his first press conference. “What press conference?” Biden replied. Apparently, at the end, someone told him. A staff member pointed Biden at the duct tape mark on the floor and gave him a push.
Biden moved and began to speak. And take a break, then talk a little more. And then take a break. Have you heard the term “pregnant break”? Joe Biden’s breaks were quintuplets from the third quarter. These breaks were ready to burst.
JOE BIDEN: So the best way to do something … if you, if you want to, uh, uh, like to be able to … well anyway … I am. .. we are going to do a lot.
Do you have that, America? We are going to do a lot. A lot. Of course, we will do a lot more and confuse a lot less people if we read our political positions on little pieces of paper that others have painstakingly prepared for us. That way, we won’t lose consciousness in the middle of a sentence, or accidentally start a war.
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So when the subject of North Korea arose, Joe Biden knew exactly what to do. He found his piece of paper and began to read the words that had been written on it.
BIDEN: We’re consulting with our allies and partners and, uh, there will be, uh, responses if they choose to escalate, uh, we’ll respond accordingly. But I’m also ready, uh, uh, for some form of diplomacy.
It must be quite intimidating for the North Koreans, who of course watched it in real time. They have nuclear weapons in Pyongyang now, which means they probably have cable TV as well. Don’t underestimate these people. They are cunning.
Of course, the North Koreans were already deeply afraid of Joe Biden. They know he’s serious. They remember when Biden beat the whole Kim family shit with a chain. Him and Nelson Mandela, back in ’86. You’ve heard the story, but they’ve lived it. It is part of their tradition.
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And now this: North Korea is faced with not only Joe Biden’s masculinity, but an entire piece of paper with instructions that Joe Biden is perfectly willing to read at any time. This landmark map is Joe Biden’s secret weapon in the fight against nuclear proliferation. You can breathe easy, America, and that’s good news, because we have our own problems in this country. One of our biggest problems is voting. It is more and more difficult to vote.
There are people in America – fanatics, let’s just call them what they are – who demand that we know the identity of the voters before letting them choose our government. They want people to show their IDs at the polls, if you can even imagine, in 2021. These fanatics, Joe Biden explained, are Republicans.
BIDEN: And so I’m convinced that we can stop this because it’s the most pernicious thing. It makes Jim Crow look like Jim Eagle.
Jim Eagle? Who is Jim Eagle? A comic book hero from the 1950s? Some sort of dog-faced pony soldier? We didn’t know who Jim Eagle was, so we rushed to our Google machines to find him. Then we realized – duh! – we are way too literal here. It’s an analogy. Raven. Eagle. They’re both birds, but an eagle is much bigger than a crow. This means that asking people to show their driver’s licenses when they vote is much more racist than segregation and lynchings. Segregation and lynchings were Jim Crow. The voter IDs are Jim Eagle. Much worse.
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It makes sense when you think about it. Most blacks do not have government issued ID. That’s why they can’t drive a car, hold a job, fly on a plane, stay in hotels, go to the doctor, cash checks, sign rental contracts, or buy a house. , nor open a bank account, nor buy Sudafed. at CVS. Black people can’t do any of these things because they just don’t have ID. Millions and millions of them have no identity. It’s sad, as Joe Biden often points out. You might think the solution to this tragedy would be to make it easier for Americans to obtain ID
Joe Biden has a better idea: just make sure no one ever has to show ID to vote. This way, the millions and millions of black people who do not have ID will not feel bad or left behind. They still won’t be able to drive cars, or have a job, or a bank account, or live anywhere, but at least they can vote a lot, and we won’t be racist. Problem solved. As Joe Biden just told us, he’s going to do a lot.
Not just in the next four years, by the way, but in the next four years. Joe Biden is running again. He told us that this Thursday too. At the end of his second term, Joe Biden will be 86 years old. That’s a full decade after the life expectancy of the average American (which, for the record, Joe Biden has already exceeded). But there is nothing average with Joe Biden. Time improves it. Like some varieties of artisan cheeses, Joe Biden is meant to age. It just gets sharper and more pungent. His next campaign will be even tastier.
NANCY CORDES, CBS NEWS: Have you decided if you are going to run for re-election in 2024? You have not yet set up a re-election campaign, as your predecessor did at that time.
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BIDEN: My predecessor needed it. (laughs) My predecessor. Oh my God, I miss him. My answer is yes. My plan is to run for re-election. This is my expectation.
“My plan is to run for re-election.” Now we weren’t in the room when Joe Biden said this, but according to who was, there was a gasp of horror audible behind the curtain.
Sources said it looked a lot like Kamala Harris. We cannot confirm this. But we can tell you that Joe Biden has already chosen a theme for this next campaign. The theme is unity.
“Wait a second,” you might be thinking. Wasn’t “unity” the theme of Biden’s latest campaign, the one that just ended in November? “Yeah. But that wasn’t enough unity. There’s more unity on the way, ladies and gentlemen – full buckets, full trailer trucks. Imagine every pool in Malibu, topped to the brim with unit, then add all the Bel-Air pools. That’s how many units we’re talking about. And by unit, of course, we mean policies that make Americans hate each other a lot more than they ‘have never done. That’s what Joe Biden has given us so far. Soon we’ll have more.
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BIDEN: The third reason I said I was running was to unite the country. And generically, you all said, “No, you can’t do that.” Well, I couldn’t bring Congress together, but I was able to unite the country based on poll data. We must unite.
Oh, “survey data.” Washington’s real currency. We haven’t checked the “survey data” ticker today, but we have to tell you that we approach this specific claim with some skepticism. All of Joe Biden’s unifying policies have yet to completely unify the country. They are still resistance fighters deep inside America who are not entirely convinced of its new program of rebuke, humiliation, disarmament and taxing in poverty and helplessness. These people are obviously fanatics. They’re probably friends with the Evangelical snake-handling monsters who complain when a guy shows up in their eight-year-old daughter’s locker room. It doesn’t matter. You can’t please everyone.
But you know who you can please if you’re Joe Biden? The media. The journalists are very satisfied. This is a group that remains totally united in their love and support for Joe Biden (and the poll data shows it). Joe Biden knows this well. But he does not bow to journalists. Joe Biden is taller than that. It’s not like The Washington Post is a Delaware credit card company. He doesn’t need to chat about it.
Joe Biden explained on Thursday that despite his massive successes on our southern border, the ones you see on TV, he’s not ready to show reporters exactly what he’s doing there. It’s up to him to find out and up to them to find out.
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KRISTEN WELKER, NBC NEWS: We haven’t seen the facilities that kids are really crammed into, to give the American people a chance to see that. Do you commit to being transparent on this issue?
BIDEN: I will commit to being transparent as soon as I am able to implement what we are doing right now …
Well, that’s a little unusual. You don’t often hear a politician admit that he rejects openness and embraces secrecy. They usually lie about it. Not Joe Biden. Biden tends to say unsaid things out loud. “We’re as opaque as a shower curtain,” he told reporters today, “and there’s nothing you can do about it”.
It is quite provocative. Of course it is. But provocative in a way journalists appreciate. They are mean, these journalists. They love to be teased. Deny them what they ask for and they want you more. A lady from state media, aka National Public Radio, was in awe of describing the remarkable personal qualities of her boss, Joe Biden.
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YAMICHE ALCINDOR, NPR: You’ve said over and over again that immigrants shouldn’t come to this country now. Now is not the time to come. This message is not received. Instead, the perception of you, who got you elected – as a moral and decent man – is why a lot of immigrants come to this country and entrust you with unaccompanied minors.
When you call a man “moral” and “decent” in your question, that sort of sets the frame, as they say. But the main thing is that a “moral and decent man” runs this country, ladies and gentlemen. This is the message of unity. And by the way, this is a required message, so repeat it five times and then repeat it to your friends. Otherwise, you are a racist.
This article is adapted from Tucker Carlson’s opening commentary on the March 25, 2021 edition of “Tucker Carlson Tonight”.
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