Remake Pet Sematary is perhaps the funniest movie of 2019 – no, it's not a typo

The good news about this week's remake of the 1989 film Pet Sematary is it better than the original. The bad news is that this week's stabbing (intentional wordplay) in a Stephen King story barely managed to stand out from this incredibly low bar.

Pet Sematary, after all, remains one of the darkest properties of the king to come out of the 80s period of the author's alcohol and coke, and although the book burned in the early 80s paintings sales and lists of criticisms, the same could not be said. his adaptation to the 1989 garbage film. The best I can say about the new film is that it really swims a few laps in this drug-filled pool and that it savored its origins in the bad movie. The result, however, is much more comical than a trailer would suggest.

"They misspelled it!"

Let's go over: the family is moving into the woods to "get away from it all". The family is initially enchanted by the immense backyard of its new property, to learn via a Google search that this is related to some really disturbing stories about murders and animals, uh, coming back to life. The property also has a very short driveway leading to a 60km / h two-lane highway without a gate.

In addition, after 30 minutes, we learn that the mother who stays at home in this family has an unresolved childhood trauma about … being left alone in a scary old house. Good thing this the problem will not be triggered anytime soon!

All this plus a random procession of silent children dressed in masks in the animal graveyard of their property ("they misspelled it!" Is crying the girl) and a painfully scary one-sided neighbor who sets the family smoking a cigarette, set the tone for Pet SemataryThe endless plot, obvious and obnoxious turns into "terrifying" paths.

Meaning: What seemed scary or exciting in the film's movie trailers falls flat. There is no subtlety in this procession of masked children, for example; no logic to which the characters can come back to logically coexist in a way "hey, this little town is just a little weird". The obvious and weird is just in plain sight, like a rotting cat corpse. Instead of shouting "Do not open this door!" On the screen, we, the audience, want the irreparably idiotic characters to hurry and get themselves killed.

I went Pet Sematary I wondered what I should be afraid of in my real life as a parallel. Take bad real estate decisions? Do not leave my job in a hospital and run away from the city at the moment when I had the vision of a dead patient coming back to life (or, worse, asking my young son to repeat the same anecdote a few days later)? Have a neighbor who called his dead dog a "sniffer of hell"? Non-standard spelling?

Lithgow for the lulz

The good news: each actor seems to be part of the joke. Every bad decision is pantomimed by Pet Semataryamazes with wide-eyed eyes, and they overshadow every stupid or terrified moment with just enough gravitas and efforts to count as WWE-rated reactions.

As a bonus for anyone attending the lulz, John Lithgow is a highlight in terms of selling the movie's nonsense. Is there a creep? A monster? A savior in the end, ready to save the day? Lithgow's performance brilliantly overlaps the line between these possibilities. His bulging eyes scrutinize a wrinkled and bearded face, as he was haunted by the fact that the new family in his neighborhood is really as stupid.

To be clear, I was not necessarily a big fan of last year he adaptation, but at least this movie has had its share of quality surprises, gore-splosions and unique twists on the scary clown cliche. Do not enter Pet Sematary expect quality overlap. Instead, expect a feeling that is very similar to this tweet:

The introduction of this article has been corrected.