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“Sexual confidence should belong to every woman if she knows how to find it.”
This is the premise of a series of BBC shows presented by American comedian Kemah Bob, who embarked on a journey to sexual confidence with a group of activists dedicated to promote sex education from different platforms, mainly online.
While there are many reasons why we may lack confidence in this aspect of our life, it is often something that “comes and goes”.
“Before we even talk about sex, we need to find out how we feel about our bodies,” the presenter said.
So one of the key questions is, how do we feel more positive about our body?
Step 1: the body
Megan Jayne Crabbe has over a million followers on Instagram and tries to use the social platform to help those who are uncomfortable with their bodies.
She admits that from an early age she struggled to accept her image.
“At the age of 10, I was already on a diet. Between the ages of 14 and 16 I suffered from anorexia and after recovering from it I returned to the culture of dieting and pursuing this image. who tells us that we must be beautiful and happy. It was years of yo-yo dieting, gaining and losing (weight). ”
But at the age of 21, he discovered on the Internet a group of people of different sizes and characteristics who were talking about “body positivity“.
“And they said, ‘We don’t hate each other and you don’t have to hate yourself either, you don’t have to diet, allow yourself to love who you are, you are more than a body.’ And that for me was revolutionary. ”
Thus began her personal process of accepting her body which, among other things, led her to be attentive to harmful content which are disseminated in various ways, including social media.
It is unrealistic for Crabbe that people feel “tremendous love” for their bodies overnight after “a life in which they have been told their bodies are not good enough”.
The important thing is to work on the belief that “all bodies, including yours, deserve better than the way they have been treated by society”.
“I have always thought that when it comes to sexual partners, if you are not in a relationship where you can have open communication about how you feel in front of your body, that is for me a red flag because everything in a sexual relationship should lead to honest communication. ”
“You should be able to talk to your partner about how you are feeling, if there is something in particular that makes you feel insecureMaybe you need a little more attention and affection in this part, or maybe less. ”
“It is essential” – he said – “that we treat our bodies with the love and respect it deserves”.
Step 2: conversation
Activist and writer Sangeeta Pillai grew up in a community where “we didn’t talk about sex”.
For this reason, she decided to found the feminist platform Soul Sutras.
“There are a lot of things South Asian women don’t talk about,” she says. For example: sex, menstruation, mental health. “All of this is important.”
“Women like me, in my community, in my culture, we find it difficult to talk about these issues between us and Soul Sutras seeks to create a safe space so that we can talk about the taboos that exist. ”
“I grew up in a very traditional Indian family, to say that I was the first woman to have a (formal) job.”
For Pillai, it is essential that first of all “we talk to each other about sex”.
“You have to tell yourself that you are beautiful, powerful. You have to see yourself in front of the mirror and say: ‘Look at me I’m amazing‘. This is how I think we should start. ”
Then we can talk to friends, she said. “Maybe start normalizing sex because it’s normal. Without it, we wouldn’t be here.”
It is essential, he stresses, that women do not feel that they should talk about sex in secret, with shame, but that they do it naturally.
“That way, I think we’re changing things, to make us feel normal.”
And, as Bob reflects, “Shame and shame are emotions so powerful they can destroy our trust“.
“Shame was created to keep us in our place, so that we don’t ask awkward questions,” says Pillai, for whom shame is a very physical emotion.
“Where did it come from? Not from me, when I was born I was not ashamed. Society introduced it to me.”
It is important to express our wishes to our partner, as this increases their chances of satisfaction.
In doing so, he recommends, it’s important not to use a confrontational tone.
“If you start the conversation, for example by watching TV or having a drink, you can say something like, ‘You know what? I read in a magazine or in a book. something we could try next time‘. Put it on your side because at the end of the day, most couples want us to have orgasms and be happy. ”
“Make it part of the trip rather than making it the problem. If the two of you have fun on this trip, it will be wonderful.”
Step 3: consent
One of the missions of the writer and sexual health activist Rukiat Ashawe is to educate young people about sexuality, taking into account a wide range of perspectives which includes, for example, what the law says, their says what coercion is, what rape is. and the implications of sending sexual content (sexting).
Talk to them about when and how to consent to having sex.
“The consent can be removed at any timeYou can be totally naked, have evolved, but if the person says no, “I don’t want to do that,” then that’s a no and I think a lot of people don’t get it. ”
And it’s not just about hearing the word ‘no’, it’s about the other person’s body language.
“If someone walks away, they take your hands away from their body, if you start (have to) convince that person to continue, that’s when it becomes coercion.”
For Ashawe, good sex is expected.
“When you talk about what you’re going to do, you set your limits ahead of time, you get consent on what you can do.”
Do not think that preparing the sexual experience be an anticlimax and neither that communicating with the couple kills the moment.
“When someone asks you, ‘Can I do this, can I do that? ” show he respects you and that your pleasure matters to him, ”he says.
“When you know your body, what makes you happy, what you like, what you don’t like, it gives you confidence (…) that knowledge gives you power and it gives you the security of navigating what consent is.
Step 4: pleasure
Bloggers Florence Bark and Reed Amber, creators of the “positive sex” platform Come curious, I believe that being open and talking about sex will spread valuable knowledge and relieve some anxieties surrounding the subject.
And one of the topics to be discussed is female pleasure.
“If we don’t talk about pleasure and how to get it the right wayWe’re not having the consent conversation, ”says Bark.
In many parts of the world, Amber reflects, pleasure remains taboo.
“Sex doesn’t end when ejaculation happens, it ends when they both had fun“says Bark.
The activist recognizes that starting a conversation about what gives us pleasure with our partner is not always easy, but it is important to respond.
In addition, it is part of the exploratory process: “For example: ‘Do you like it when I touch you here or there?’ It is learning to communicate and with it you will feel more comfortable to express what you like“.
Sex education is key, says Hannah Witton, one of the UK’s most recognized figures of so-called “positive sex”.
Witton became popular with millennials talking about sex, relationships, and dilemmas in their 20s.
For the blogger, it is important that women understand your own sexuality And they use educational tools, that they read about how desire works, that arousal works, that they know the organs, that they see that there are different types of bodies.
And for women who see porn in a healthy way as part of their sexual dynamics, but feel ashamed, Witton urges them not to feel sorry for themselves. “There is no problem with you.”
It is very important that if you have any concerns about your sexual health or your sexual relationship with your partner, you see a doctor or specialist who will be able to guide you. Asking for help is key for your well-being.
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