What is “indirect violence”, the macho cruelty behind the case affecting Spain

“You won’t see them again” were the last words that Thomas gimeno He did it to his ex-wife on Tuesday April 27, the same day he disappeared in Tenerife, Spain, with his two daughters, aged one and six.

The horror that shakes Spain was confirmed yesterday with the discovery of Olivier a six-year-old girl – one of the perpetrator’s daughters – has died and tied to the anchor of a boat, while authorities desperately continue to search for Anna, barely one year old. These threatening words are part of a special type of aggression called “vicarious violence”, which is exerted through the children with the aim of harming the couple to the extreme.

Although these types of events are mostly framed by sexist abusers, there are examples to the contrary, such as is the case that happened in Mexico and left yesterday when Anabel N., 32, a mother of four, murdered two, aged 3 and 9, in Chignahuapan after realizing her partner had infected her with a sexually transmitted disease, presumably HIV. It turned out that after depriving the two minors of their lives, she tried to kill herself, but could not do so because the rope with which she was going to hang herself did not support the weight. Then he called on the authorities to surrender. All of this was seen by his other daughters, two under 10 and 12.

“This violence basically arises after the divorce or the complaint, and the ultimate goal is to continue to abuse the woman through whom, once the couple is separated, they have access, which are the children, and through whom they know that they will cause irreversible damage to mothers, because the whole history of abuse has shown them that it supports children, ”explained the Spanish psychologist Sonia Vaccaro, who coined the term “indirect violence“In 2012 associated with people who exercise a function to replace another:”Only the threat of “I will take them away” speaks of them as objects and instruments for the aggressors, and they are ready to use them to harm him, ”adds the expert, who specifies that this generally happens in two ways: either by using them as a common thread, or by exerting it directly on them with abuse or mistreatment. .

Globally, 6 in 10 children between 12 and 23 months are subjected to some form of violent discipline. Almost half are victims of corporal punishment and a similar proportion are exposed to verbal violence, according to a report by the United Nations Children’s Fund (Unicef) “A common situation: violence in the lives of children and adolescents Shouting, slapping, cursing, spanking and shaking are among the disciplinary methods applied by parents to their children in seven out of ten Argentinian families.

The first four years of life are critical. This is the age when children are the most defenseless, but also where they suffer the most violence. 54.4% of children aged two to four in Argentina experience corporal punishment, 45.2% of young people between 5 and 11 years old, 32% of young people between 12 and 14 years old and 26.4% of teenagers between 15 and 17 years old. In contrast, verbal abuse remains around 60% at all ages, according to the study that was carried out from the Multiple Indicator Cluster Survey.

Physical and psychological abuse remains etched in the memories of children who suffer from it, but is rarely reported, which complicates the detection of cases. In addition, anyone who dares to intervene in front of a father who mistreats his son in public will receive a “What are you getting into?” He’s my son ”as a sure answer. As if the child were his property. As if there was no rule against such abuse.

Consulted by Infobae Regarding what he thinks is inherited from his upbringing in these current parenting behaviors, psychology graduate Lorena Ruda (MN 44247) said: “We are experiencing a paradigm shift in education. We come with many purchased modes which are difficult to change. Even when discussing with parents, they still consider “we did not come out so badly” and believe in slapping “on time” or punishment as a way of learning “.

For her, these parents do not take into account the fact that “the children then either continue to repeat what they have” done wrong “since it is often typical behaviors of each age, or they change their behavior by fear of reprimand ”. For many, however, this is the desired effect.

Parenting specialist Laura Krochik said, “I think the level of abuse is all it does is reflect the level of violence and emotional disconnection we live in. We are in a society for oneself, in which there is no room for much of the gaze of others“, He analyzed, while remarking:” It seems to me that it is a question of working with the new generations of parents in terms of needs, self-knowledge and raising of self-esteem. . An adult who recognizes himself, who loves himself, who knows himself to be human with all that this means cannot mistreat or denigrate anyone, less if he is a child, and even less if he is his son ”.

On how these dire statistics might be reversed, Krochik pointed out that “there is a question of values, self-esteem and personal work that we could work on starting in kindergarten, to see what happens to children with it. emotions “, and he underlined that in many schools they are already working with meditation as a tool and in these establishments the decrease in violence is noticeable, because there is much more concentration and the children are not stressed” .

“We live in a state of constant stress and this manifests itself when it comes to relationships.; we lose our way north, we lose consciousness. What if we forget about love? I think it has to do with the society in which we live, beyond the education that we receive, and that we must raise awareness, work on prevention so as not to reach these figures, “he said. concluded.

Parental alienation

Another of the domestic violence situations children are subjected to is PAS, commonly known as Parental alienation, a set of symptoms that arise in children as a result of negative manipulation by one of the parents. The purpose of this transformation of the child’s consciousness is to destroy the child’s bond with the other parent.

“This situation is the product of the fact that one of the two parents started to use this child as an instrument of hatred. If I am a woman who is very angry with my ex-husband and I start using my son as a tool to generate some kind of profit with the person who is no longer in my life, I abuse him ”, explained psychoanalyst Gervasio. Diaz Castelli.

Instead of playing games, taking advantage of their parents, and going through this stage with ease, they find themselves embroiled in a conflict that is foreign to them. “They take him hostage and drain the tensions in this little boy and what happens is that this hatred that he has, does not really belong to him, but is symbiotic and ultimately imitated with the one who exercises the manipulation., says the specialist.

But parental alienation does not affect everyone the same, it varies depending on the age of each child.. Somehow, not having that “anger filtering” in front of kids always hurts. Of course, when the child reasons, is cognitively prepared, and can already understand certain things, the damage that occurs is greater.

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