Bullying: how to detect it and what to do if your son or daughter suffers

In this opportunity, Popular He talked about this problem with Maria Zysman, director of Without intimidation and specialist in educational psychology, autism and TGD, attention deficit and learning difficulties.

Intimidation is a flawed way of connecting school-age peers who see themselves as equals begin to submit, deliberately, intentionally and regularly over time, one attacks, diminishes and removes self-esteem to another. "For this to happen, there must be a large group of spectators, so that makes the leader bigger, and whenever he humbles the other and devalues ​​him, he acquires a larger place. power, prestige and is dreaded by others, "he describes. Zysaman.

In this sense, he distinguishes: "When there is an adult and a child, there is no intimidation, it is an abuse of power. For bullying, it is necessary that they are boys who cross the same evolutionary age and who live a coexistence forced ".

In the majority of cases, Bullying develops during adolescenceIt is at this moment that the children start looking for their place of belonging. However, this is being seen more and more in young children. "Now, 7/8 year old boys" play "to emulate a world of teenagers for which they are not emotionally prepared, because families have even been invited to enter this world in a hurry", says the specialist.

And he emphasizes: "Boys must be socially accepted at pubertyand they start doing things they would never have done before. Then we find the most educated and most familiar children, whether belonging or not, they do things that they would not have done"

However, it's a problem that should be treated as early as kindergarten. "This must be avoided since the baby is born, when we learn that the other questions and that there is a limit, that we are all different"Since" if you work in this line, when the boy sees that he is hurting a partner, he will defend himself or at least he will not celebrate, "he warns.

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Consequences and victims of intimidation

Victims of bullying suffer a lot. Teasing, harbadment or discrimination, which is part of this practice, triggers various disorders. "When you attack a guy because he's fat, it's not because he's fat, but because of what that fat represents for you." In a world where you can not afford to leave this model that you sell, which is very difficult to have, triggers bulimia and anorexia, depression and other risks", Lists.

This child is subjected daily to torture by his peers who make him feel that it does not belong, that it does not exist or that it does not fit. But the violence is even greater when he asks for help and can not find it. "What is most damaging is when the victim feels responsible for what happened to her and when she asked for help and felt that she was minimizing her request. saying that it's not so bad or that Intimidation is getting stronger. It's a lie, which reinforces the recognition of the other, that someone detects that I need it and is there"

In an environment where relationships are so damaged, not only the direct victims are affected, but also the rest of the group. "It's hard to be in an environment where someone is being abused and no one is protecting them. And also for the one who does it, because he learns a model of bad successhe believes he can dominate the other but he also knows that he can be dominated. Then we need to eliminate this domain and submission structure"

To detect this problem, The main warning signal to take into account is sadness, mood changes, alterations of sleep and food. "A boy who is wrong with his clbadmates is sad and does not want to go to school, is irritable and asks for attention. It is important to evaluate the suffering according to its age, the meaning of certain acts, for example, if a 15-year-old girl is not invited to a party or if no one invites a girl to a pajama party. 8 years old, the low world. "

With social networks, cyberbullying

So that before the jokes were in a confined space, limited to the knowledge that was witnessed the moment, with social networks, when humiliations are filmed and published, or that humiliation is raised within A network, the exhibition grows exponentially. "This is impossible to measure for the victim, because there is a fantasy about the number of people who saw it. it stays in timesince it is open 24/24, there is no end, no time to bail it out, and shame is reinforced to very extreme degrees"He warns.

Social networks have good aspects for young people, but also a lot of exposure. "With anonymity, they are encouraged to show things that would not be animated in another context. And they are also exposed to some humiliation, abuse, etc. Even to be part of the networks, they have to do cyberbullying, "he says.

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How adults should act

When an adult detects that a child is being bullied, the main thing is: listen to what the child needsand always act calmly without making the situation public, but looking for a solution that no longer affects the boy. Zysman lists them actions that parents should do:

• Do not make scandal. Sometimes mothers monitor these actions in the networks or talk to the group of mothers, depending on the anxiety that they deem understandable, but that is not what works.
• Remove from our vocabulary phrases such as "you should have done something like this" or "it happens to you because you do not know how to defend yourself", "you should be more like them".
• Speak with the teacher as calmly as possible by asking for an answer. It is unacceptable for the teacher to answer: "she has searched for it" or "she is not doing anything to make it want to". An acceptable answer is that they indicate how they will proceed: "Let's work together at school and at home".
• If this answer does not appear from the teachers, to turn to the psycho-pedagogic cabinet or the management, seek to form working groups to deal with the problem as a whole and change coexistence.
• Always preserve the confidentiality of the victimbelieve in his word and avoid humbling or exposing him again.

As a last resort, in the event that many years have pbaded since the child experienced this situation, the possibility of looking for another school should be evaluated. "This is the last option, but you show the boy that, from one place where he is wrong, he has the right to leave.This one does not have to endure a relationship that the makes him sick.This is not learning to escape, "he says.

Therefore, it is important to emphasize that it's not just the victim who has to learn to change, but the environment. "It's true that sometimes the victim has to work on some issues, but we can not wait for her to take charge of this process so that others stop attacking her. You have to work with the whole group, bring them to thinkfind the reason that drives the stalker into this role. And the school must consider what happened to get to this situationWhat is missing, what do they need and ask for outside help?

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The role of the state and public policies

In 2013, the Law 26892 for the promotion of coexistence and the approach of social conflict in educational institutions, known as the "Anti-Bullying Act". However, Zysman says that it has never been implementedand that the initiatives observed were more explosive than the policies maintained over time.

There is four points that need to be addressed together: bullying, the responsible use of technology, comprehensive baduality education and problematic use. "If you do not work all of this in an integral way, it will surely get something bad out of it. It is not bad, but the other from the initial level and to be able to build a NO in boys: not to what hurts me or the other. "

In this sense, the specialist says that today, children live protected, with all the risks. "I believe that Intimidation sometimes appears as an exhaust valve, which shows a huge dissatisfaction in children and a desire to escape.. The boys are asking you to help them. They are not happy about the uncontrolled, in the Ultimate First Day (UPD) if they explode, that 's because something is happening. This is the tip of a problem. "

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