Gray divorce, the phenomenon that revealed Bill and Melinda Gates’ marriage breakup

This week, through a statement posted on the microblogging social network Twitter, the founder of Microsoft Bill Gates and the American businesswoman Melinda Ann French Gates They announced their divorce after 27 years of marriage. The couple, who met in the late 1980s and formalized their union in 1994, have three children and run the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, dedicated to philanthropy.

This news, beyond its media coverage, is representative of a trend that is strengthening in the United States, but also in other parts of the world: more and more, separated marriages are found in the second half of life. “We see more divorces among couples over 60 and it is a universal phenomenon”, Shared viewed by Infobae Sonia abadi, doctor, psychoanalyst and researcher in creativity and innovation.

This situation has a name: gray divorce, also known as silver or diamond, which refers to the trend of married (“gray haired”) couples who choose to separate after many years as a couple. The breakup of the Gates’ relationship joins others that have caught media attention like that of former U.S. Vice President Al Gore and Mary Elizabeth Aitcheson after 40 years together in 2010.

In fact, in this country, the divorce of people aged 50 and over doubled between 1990 and 2010, with a rate that rose from 0.5% to 1% per year. Without going any further, a generation ago, less than 10% of marital breakdowns involved a spouse over the age of 50. However, today more than one in four people who divorce in the United States, it has exceeded five decades of life.

However, over the past 40 years in this country, the overall divorce rate has slowly declined. Now this fall divorce rate reflects divergent trends between younger and older adults: The number of divorces among the youngest has been reduced (perhaps also because they are less likely to marry) but the separation of the elderly has increased.

“With round numbers, great life issues appear; especially at 50. It’s like you feel like you’re way ahead of you, that you’re in the prime of your life, but you have to define where you want to go a little bit more and it’s a really strong moment. to rethink your life, ”explains the psychologist to Infobae. Beatriz Goldberg, specialist in individual and couple crisis and author of more than 20 books.

“These these are ages of double existential crisis: Usually you already have teenagers and people tend to rethink everything from work to children’s lives to their own lives, ”Goldberg adds.

The data is not less: in general, people are living longer and arriving in better physical and mental health at ages that long ago were considered advanced. “Life expectancy has increased and there is one fact to take into account: when the institution of marriage was invented, life expectancy was 40 to 50 years; today people can reach 80 very actively”, Share on Infobae Eduardo Press, psychiatrist, consultant and specialist in organizational psychology.

But that’s not the only factor to take into account. “ANDThe personal and professional development of women, with more autonomy and resources, allows them to choose to separate and have an interesting life, with projects that were not part of the couple.a ”, adds Abadi, creator of the Network Thinking model, which integrates advances in psychology, neuroscience, new communication theories and living networks.

In a survey conducted by the sociologist Susan L. brown, author of the book Families in AmericaWith Matthew Wright of Appalachian State University, it was found that adults over 50 accept divorce more than young people. Almost two-thirds agree that divorce is the best solution when couples cannot resolve their marital problems, compared with less than half of young adults.

Part of this greater acceptance of divorce is due to the fact that many older people have already separated, explains the specialist. In this direction, the baby boomer generation, Brown shares in a recently published article, is at the forefront of gray divorce. And there is an explanation for that: Baby boomers, those born between 1946 and 1964, like Bill and Melinda Gates, came of age during the divorce revolution of the 1970s. Many got married, divorced, and then aged.

In fact, Brown argues that the gray divorce rate for couples who remarry is about 2.5 times higher than for couples in first marriages. A media case that illustrates this is that which featured in 2007 the former French president, Nicolas Sarkozi and his ex-wife Cecilia Attias, both going through their third marriage today..

Work together

“Over the past 27 years, we have raised three amazing children and built a foundation that works around the world to enable everyone to lead healthy and productive lives. We will continue to share our confidence in this mission and we will continue to work together in the foundation, but we believe that we can no longer continue to grow together as a couple in this next phase of our life, ”said the statement from Bill and Melinda Gates in which the couple announced their separation.

“Gray divorces” can be very surprising for the inner circle of the family, as well as for friends and acquaintances. And, even more, when the couple also share work projects or are a partner in a family business. “I don’t see it as unmanageable, unless it’s a very controversial situation; what I have seen and heard of cases of married couples in a family business who separate but continue to maintain the working relationship and even get along better as partners than as spouses; This is not uncommon because running a business requires certain characteristics that are not exactly the same as a family, there can be a good business bond without there being a good marital bond.”Adds the press.

Of course, it is not possible to generalize and that Each situation will depend on the couple, on the reasons that led to the dissolution of the conjugal relationship and the internal work that, likewise, each one has undergone..

Abadi adds: “Couples tend to break up with the same values ​​that have supported the relationship: if there were ongoing conflicts, mistreatment or disqualifications, it would be seen as a separation. On the other hand, the separation trigger will also come into play. Even if they have been together for years, if either of them breaks the loyalty pact, having a side relationship, or some other form of lying or betrayal. , it is difficult to preserve the link. Ideally, the separation is friendly, each accepts and recognizes the needs of the other and they can continue to support a project together.“.

But there is a latent difficulty that can emerge later, adds Abadi, since men and women over the age of 60 often rebuild their married life with another person. “There, the new or the new can feel boring when the old partner needs to communicate and interact frequently with each other for professional reasons.” And she recommends, “It’s for all ages and also for couples who don’t have a joint venture. At the first moment of pain, anger, or sadness, resist the temptation to destroy what you’ve accomplished together and try to keep the positive. What is missing? Honesty, respect and productive dialogue ”.

“A lot of couples were very symbiotic at the start of the relationship and they’ve transformed; while others were very individualistic and need to rethink in depth. It is a question of rehiring in all terms because we are equal to 20 years, ”concludes Goldberg.

KEEP READING: