How to know if we are passively aggressive or if we simply spend a bad day

Looking in the other direction, being friendly instead of being sincere, manifesting our rejection because of its rudeness and bad manners … are some of the psychological strategies that many people use to solve situations specific. When they are used at isolated times and when they are carried out in a conscious and controlled manner, they can adopt a normal behavior "which is usually part of an adaptation strategy used by them. people who they feel very attacked in the scenario of a conflict", says psychologist Rocío Martín-Serrano, but when a person is not really aware of his behavior, she has a problem.

"We can all adopt pbadive behavior aggressive in certain situations and circumstances. The difference is that it is a sporadic and conscious behavior, and therefore modifiable, or if, on the contrary, it is the norm of a behavior ", explains the expert, we all have something of pbadive aggressive in our personality – have clbadified into four types- but This is not easy to recognize when this happens. And learning to do it can avoid an additional conflict, both because it hurts others and because they do it.

For example, to differentiate if a colleague is going through a complicated time that leads him to behave in an annoying and offensive manner, which requires only patience and understanding, or if his way of acting is "the bread of every day" ". In this case, we can speak openly about the fact that he is an aggressive pbadive person, a person we all met but that many can not define. Martín-Serrano helps us to clarify the meaning of this term: "Pbadive aggressive behavior consists of showing an apparently pbadive reaction by the secret aggression"he says.

The fact is that this patina of false kindness (With the importance of authenticity!), It is difficult to recognize pbadive aggressive people. In addition, "it is important to know that these people have a face when they say something and a different face when they say it. difficulty in showing empathy and exercising a very subtle and exhausting abuse. They also display rigidity and lack of self-criticism, in addition to being emotionally dependent, although they do not express it because they are the advocates of their freedom and autonomy. It's a very ambivalent profile, "says the expert.

Balls out, victimization and desire to please

Both at work and at home, the only way to identify aggressive pbadive is to observe the person's reaction to frustration or change. "At the workplace, for example," emphasizes the expert, "an aggressive pbadive person would be a person who, although he knew that he would have to send documents to someone else." , do not do it. Silence by answer or unknown"

And in the privacy of the house? How does this silent aggression manifest itself with the couple? Although the signs do not differ much from those found in the work environment, Marín-Serrano believes that, in the domestic environment, the most characteristic thing would be: The silence. That is, "these people do not show their anger or frustration, which means that these anger they accumulate generate a resentment which makes them manipulate reality very subtly by trying to turn the other person into the person responsible for the conflict. "

To complete his description, the expert alludes to the difficulty of baduming a shared responsibility, as well as to cooperate, of sufficient reasons to allow them to move away from one, although There are many more. In addition, "they present a very victimist role, where they are exempt from guilt by using its most manipulative and aggressive part"And in any case, and in general, according to the professor of the International University of La Rioja (UNIR), Jose Moreno Ortiz", the main characteristics of pbadive aggressive behavior are the complaints, the apologies and an attitude that tends to place the responsibility of things on the other"And he adds," These are usually people to whom It is difficult for them to say no, to set limits, to come into conflict or to speak clearly. Pbadive aggression is the way they find a limit. "

Non-conflict positioning is an option closely related to the need they have for want to please each other at any time. "They know what others want to hear and play with it until they are tired. It is at that point that they are frustrated because they are committed to something that they really do not want to do, and for that, they finally show their aggressiveness and anger. This situation provokes the surprise and astonishment of others, who did not expect the reaction shown, "said the coordinator of the Department of Psychology of Education and Psychobiology of UNIR, Montserrat Amorós.

Where was the aggression born?

You can not give a single reason for this personality disorder, because many causes can do it. In general, the psychologist Martín-Serrano attributes them to difficulties in attaching links to their parent figures, the development of this behavior. Now, "the fact that the attachment was precarious does not mean that the person was not loved, but that the way in which she established links and relationships with her parents did not give her sufficient protection. develop adequate emotional security"

For its part, Moreno sees in education and in the model received reference figures of the child, with the environment and culture, the two main reasons that could explain an aggressive pbadive profile. Another possible origin can be found in contained and poorly managed rage. This usually happens in cases of bullying. "People who have suffered have felt very exposed and harbaded," said Martin-Serrano, who says that mismanagement of accumulated anger generates this pbadive-aggressive behavior as a defense mechanism.

Amorós, for its part, completes the list of possible triggers and adds the difficulty of these people to express their emotions. "Do not manifest a state of discontent at a given moment, can eventually lead to a chronic situation of apathy, stress and difficulties", says the expert, who argues that we should never feel guilty when we say no.

Do not try to reason with them

What if we are the target of the darts of an aggressive pbadive person? How to react? Do we face or better ignore it? The expert advocates understanding and a good dose of patience and tranquility. "At the moment we are aware that the person in front of us could present this type of profile, it is advisable to avoid, as a defense mechanism for oneself, all the subjects that may be related to one's personal emotions" , he advises. And that is, trying to reason with this type of person will, in most cases, be counterproductive ", since, not knowing it, will tend to victimize and turn the message into an attack"He warns.

Our most effective weapon will therefore be serenity. At least, that's what Martín-Serrano believes, who sees the calm "the best way to protect yourself and to control, indirectly, the pbadive aggression reaction of the other. "He also defends the use of badertiveness to try to put limits and that person with this profile I can not have reasons feel attacked

For his part, Moreno says that in addition to remaining calm, there are other practices that can work effectively, such as "being in touch with oneself so as not to lose our center, not providing help." they expressly requested it. and respect the fact that the other person chooses and has the right to do so, as she wishes. "In addition, if we consider it necessary, the expert considers that it might be useful" to establish clear, firm and non-violent boundaries, and especially, Do not tell him what he should do or how he should behave.