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Two years ago, Gemma (not her real name) had sex with a man who removed the condom without her knowledge or consent.
The “stealthy“, or non-consensual condom removal, is a violation of UK law, but there has only been one successful prosecution, and that was in 2019.
“I didn’t know anything about him stealthy until it happens to me, ”he told BBC Newsbeat.
“It was only after that that I realized what I had done and I felt very upset and worried.
“I took the morning after pillbut when I didn’t get my period the next month, I took a pregnancy test. “
Gemma says the test was positive and that she was surprised to learn that she was pregnant.
“He told me it was £ 50 for an abortion”
“I was really angry, sensitive and confused. I texted the boy, but it doesn’t seem very serious to him and she said “it only costs about £ 50 to have an abortion” but it has changed my life a lot.
“In the end, I decided to terminate the pregnancy, but it was a very difficult decision to make. I punished myself a lot because I wanted a baby but I knew it was wrong. circumstances.”
Gemma reported her experience to the police, but the case was not pursued further.
“I actually went to see them when I realized it was rape and because I got pregnant.”
He says the police spoke to the man, but then they told him there was not enough evidence because it was “my word against his, and he denied everything.”
“We are talking about rape”
A spokeswoman for the Rape Crisis charity said stealth was something we hear “more and more”.
“It’s always hard to know if it’s because there is more going on or because people are more aware of it and willing to talk about it,” says Katie Russell.
He also believes that the term “stealthy“it doesn’t help much.
“It’s a relatively new term, and in a way it’s helpful to have a term so people know what it is, but on the other hand, it can be a bit misleading.
“It sort of disinfects and minimizes because at the end of the day we are talking about rape.
“We must be very clear that this is an extraction not consensual condom, and it’s not something a little cheeky or naughty to try to get away with; it’s something serious that can have really damaging effects on another person’s entire life and health“.
There are no figures available from Rape Crisis or the police on the number of incidents of stealthybecause they are recorded as rape.
A spokesperson for the National Police Chiefs Council said: “We always encourage people to report this.”
Edem Barbara Ntumy says it happened to him too.
“He was dating someone once in a while and when we had sex he took the condom off without my permission. I confronted him about it at the time, but he denied it and got very aggressiveso I decided to stop talking to him, ”he told BBC Newsbeat.
“I didn’t report it because I didn’t think it would get the result I wanted.
“He knew full well that rape cases take a long time to investigate, and all of his devices are confiscated and it can take a long time to resolve, and that was something he didn’t want to live. ”
Over the past five years, lRape cases reported to police on the riseBut the number of people reaching the courts has been cut by more than half.
In a statement, the Crown Prosecution Service told Newsbeat: “We are determined to increase the number of rape cases brought to court. Very few victims are receiving justice and we are working hard to change that.”
Edem now works in sexual health and wants us to there would be a method of recording incidents that does not involve the criminal justice system.
“I made my peace with that”
“I think that happens a lot and that there should be a way for victims to report it, without necessarily going down the road of police involvement,” he said.
“I made my peace with it, the most worrying thing for me at the time was the risk of contracting a disease, because we were not in a fixed relationship.
“It made me angry because if you come across something fortuitous it is very important to respect boundaries and be safe, especially if you are having sex with more than one person.”
Kate Parker, lawyer and director of the School Consent Project, which teaches young people about consent, says many people are very surprised to learn that evasion amounts to a violation of the law.
“This is because, in a stealth case, someone clearly agreed to have sex with the use of a condom, so if you take the condom off, that’s not something they want to do. agreed, and that makes it an offense“.
She says it fosters a broader conversation about respecting boundaries and believes consent should be in the curriculum.
“At the moment, sex and relationship education is taught in all schools, but consent is an optional module, which means some schools are avoiding teaching everything together.
“But it’s so central to sex education that, in my opinion, young people aren’t taught properly without it.
“Theft can ruin lives”
For Gemma, the impact on her life it was devastating and would also like to receive more education on the subject.
“I had to move because being in my apartment reminded me of what had happened and I needed therapy to get over it.
“The stealthy it can ruin people’s lives and we have to educate people about it. ”
If you have been affected by any of the issues mentioned in this article, you can visit BBC Action Line for more information.
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