What to say (and what not to) to someone who lives in a duel

Do you laugh when someone breaks the super bag? Do you sometimes win the taxi at someone else? Have you ever shouted to a puppy?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be suffering from a deficit disorder of empathy.

I asked readers to tell some useful things that they said or did when they were in mourning, and that they also shared things that are certainly not helpful.

Their responses have clearly shown that the deficit disorder of empathy (which is not a real disease, but should be) has reached epidemic proportions:

• "After the death of our daughter," Wendy Thomas wrote, "a colleague told me that I should not have used the photocopier."

• "My first husband died of cancer at the age of 35 and I was 26 years old," said Patrice Werner. "I shudder again thinking about the number of people who have said to me:" You're young, you'll find someone else. "

• "My only child, Jesse, committed suicide at age 30," said Valerie P. Cohen. "A friend wrote to me," I know exactly how you feel because my dog ​​has just died. "

Let's be fair, it must be admitted that it's not easy to know what to say. We were not born with a skill that was not taught to us. In general, our society avoids talking about death and mourning. Many of us have little experience in treating people with overwhelming emotional pain; it is not always easy to do more harm than good.

Let us hope that the following guidelines, formulated by people who have suffered, will serve as a guide.

There are many friends and acquaintances who want to talk about the impact of your loss on them.

For example, when Linda Sprinkle's husband pbaded away, she met many people who wanted to share their own grief stories. "They thought it showed that they understood how I felt, but their pain is different from mine," he said. "I ended up having to muster the emotional energy that I did not have to comfort."

During her duel, Natalie Costanza-Chavez had to undergo a series of similar comments from egocentric people.

• "God, I could not stand it!" (Costanza-Chavez replied: "Yes, you can, it happens, you are able, do not insulate me with your own projections").

• "I did not call you because I thought you wanted to be alone." (She: "Even if it's true, you should always call, write, send an email or message").

• "I did not visit them because I hate hospitals." (She: "Nobody likes hospitals, maybe only if you go to see a newborn, but you have to go anyway").

• "I'm really sorry I died of lung cancer, or if it was a heart attack," Was I overweight? "(She:" You just try to feel calm that this horrible thing is not going to happen to you.

Ann Weber, a social psychologist specializing in duels and deaths, has identified another commonplace full of good intentions, but frustrating anyway: "Tell me if you need anything."

"This offer seems to be a harmless promise," Weber wrote, "but it's often just a way out, a way to escape after the service or the call to offer condolences, and now it's up to the people in mourning for help. "

You will hear a lot of comments that try to rebadure you or put you in a good mood. In principle, it's a nice gesture. In practice, it is something that is never appreciated.

When you lose someone you love, you find yourself without protection in a dark place. Nothing they say will make you happy and fewer comments starting with the phrase "At least".

"At least, he does not suffer anymore," was a very useless statement named by Beth Braker, who was to listen to it. "At least you have other children," remembers Margaret Gannon. "At least he has not died of AIDS," recalls Jill Falzoi. "At least you can have your own life," he listened to Mary Otterson. ("I've always had my own life," he added, "but now I have to live without her.")

And, on behalf of Emma St. Germain's financial advisor: "At least you can now change country, with a better tax environment."

Crystal Hartley summarized the situation as follows: "If you start with" At least ", stop, it's not going to help, you're trying to force them to see the positive side when they feel devastated, they just recognize that the situation in which they find themselves is very difficult, and validates their feelings ".

It's also hard to make jokes, even under optimal circumstances. When a person is in emotional distress, this can be extremely uncomfortable. Do not be like the cousin who told Frances Rozyskie at his father's funeral, "So now, you're an orphan!"

Sharing your beliefs about God and heaven with someone who is not religious may also not be well received. If your interlocutor does not think like you, it is likely that, besides the insensitivity, you are hurtful.

When she was pregnant with twins and suffered a miscarriage, Donna Hires was devastated. "I found a friend who told me something that I will never forget:" Oh, I knew that they were twins, I guess God did not think you could manage two babies at the same time. "It took years to forgive him."

"In parent support groups, the saying" God only gives you what you can bear "has a widespread reputation among the cruelest remarks for broken parents," added Wendy Prentiss, whose nephew of 6 years has been diagnosed. a deadly cancer. "This implies that parents are weak because they feel devastated, it's an insensitive and prejudiced comment."

She also suggests, wrote Kathryn Janus, "that God had to do with death, and that is horrible, and, of course, sometimes the death of a loved one may be more than what this no one can stand. "

If you are not sure that the weeper shares your faith, it is best not to make the following comments, shared by readers of Nancy Field, Kathryn Janus and Kirsten Lynch: "You are now in a better place" , "It was God's plan", "God wanted him with him in paradise" or "One day you'll see him again".

One last piece of advice: "Do not tell those who are in mourning how they should feel, they may want to feel vulnerable, they may need to cry for days without stopping," wrote Kathryn Janus. In other words, do not say things like: "Be strong" or "Resist".

In fact, the most useful thing Teresa Brewer said when she was in mourning was, "No matter what you feel, and every time you feel it, it's okay."

"You do not know how liberating it was to me," he wrote. "There were times when many thought that my family and I should be darker, but we were dying to laugh, so it's worth having the permission to experience different emotions."

The list of things that should not be said includes many common places. So what should you say?

"If you knew the deceased person, tell him an anecdote about this person, ideally in writing, so that everyone in the family could read it." There is no better gift than the anecdote of being dear to the moment It seems like there will be more new stories, "wrote Leslie Berlin.

And if you did not know the deceased person, Berlin suggests the following: "I did not know your [mamá/papá/amigo/hermano(a)/hijo(a)]but knowing you, it was surely a person [elige un adjetivo lindo]"

If you only interact with your loved ones for a few minutes, for example when you meet them in the street or at a funeral, here are some of the best suggestions from our readers:

• "I know how much you love him," Beth Braker.

• "I would like to know what to say to you", Kathryn Janus.

• "I can not even imagine how you feel, but here I am if you need to talk to someone," Wendy Loney.

For Karen Hill, "I'm so sorry" remains the best thing to do. "

Finally, if you really care about it, do something concrete to help you. To act

"There is a wide range of ways to support: hugging at the right time, bringing food, listening when the person needs to talk, seeing how he is doing, keeping in touch during the holidays," wrote Patrice Werner. "Just do something, you will feel worse in the long run if you do nothing."

As Margaret Gannon puts it, the key is: "Do not bother, do it, grab something to eat (or dine) Come help me wash my clothes Take the kids for a few hours And , what matters most, He speaks of the person who has died, I do not want it to be forgotten. "

Christy Goldfinch summed up the situation by recounting her memories of her husband's death two years ago at the age of 57. "What I remember most is a lot of hugs and many personal anecdotes about the intellect, its compbadion, its ability," he writes.

"Oh, and another very useful thing, that people brought a roast beef and beer to their homage, we're in Texas, after all."

Copyright: 2019 New York Times News Service