What to say to someone who has lost a loved one and what not to say

There’s no denying how difficult it can be to know what to say to someone who has lost a loved one. You come from a well-meaning place of wanting to offer support, not to cause more harm, and yet all too often, The desire for comfort leads the bereaved to take on the extra emotional work of providing support to those who are uncomfortable and do not know what to say.

“Most of us are socialized to help others solve problems, but the pain cannot be fixed “explains Gina Frieden, trauma and loss expert, PhD, assistant professor at Peabody College at Vanderbilt University. Most people are also “uncomfortable with it,” says Katie Opher, David Bradley Child Grief Program Coordinator at Penn Medicine and Clinical Director of Camp Erin with Penn Medicine Hospice, adding, “It’s hard to talk about. something that hurts us “.

As a result, says Dr. Frieden, some people will try to avoid discussing the issue or try to offer comfort by talking about their own experience. Unfortunately, these responses are generally not the most effective. However, it is certainly possible to offer effective support to the bereaved. Consider the following tips on how to do this, then get specific instructions on what to say to someone who has lost a loved one and also what not to say.

Don’t feel like you have to say something perfect to support a grieving person.

Of course, you no longer want to upset someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. But to avoid awkwardly tripping over the words in an effort to say exactly something perfect, you have to remember that this is someone you have interacted with in the past.

“Often, friends and colleagues feel the urge to say the right thing. People are afraid to say something that might make the situation worse, so they avoid saying anything. -Gina Frieden, PhD, trauma and loss expert.

“Release the pressure,” says Dr. Frieden. “Often, friends and colleagues feel the urge to say the right thing. The people are afraid to say something that might make the situation worse, so they avoid saying anything. “

This lack of response, Opher says, can make the grieving feel like their loss is being played down or ignored. However, if you are feeling that way, Opher says you can tell. Because only this can transmit support effectively. “You can say: ‘I really don’t know what to say, but I’m so sorry for your loss’He said. Another option: “Sorry, this is something I can’t fix for you, but I’m here for you.”

The best way to communicate, adds Dr. Frieden, “is often To be present and validate the feelings and experience of the victim ”.

Don’t feel the need to talk about the loss, but don’t do your best to ignore it either.

“It’s important not to avoid the situation, but to follow the person’s signals,” Opher explains. “They may not want to talk about it all the time.” Talking about a loss can help keep good memories. But it can also make someone vulnerable or sad at a time when they are uncomfortable expressing these emotions.

So how do you know how to do this in a really useful way? At the end of the day, it’s best to “follow the cues of the grieving,” says Dr. Frieden. “People suffer in different ways. Some bereaved may prefer to speak openly about the loss. If so, listen without trying to correct or change the subject. Just being there and recognizing the pain is important. “

7 things not to say to someone who has lost a loved one

According to experts, some phrases you may have heard in the past probably won’t be received the way you expect. These phrases include things like:

1. Be courageous. You can overcome that. “

2. “Don’t cry.”

3. At least they didn’t suffer ”.

4. “God has a plan …”

5. “I know how you feel.”

6. “It reminds me of a loss I suffered …”

7. “They are out of their pain and in a better place.”

3 tips for telling someone you’ve lost a loved one

Dr Frieden says these phrases are often helpful:

1. “There are no words… but know that I am here for you. My heart is with you.”

2. “I think of you and wish you courage in these difficult times.”

3. “I know I may not know everything you are going through, but I am with you and want to be supportive in any way I need.”

To convey ongoing support, on important dates such as the anniversary or anniversary of the loss, Dr. Frieden suggests saying that you are happy to talk about the loss if you wish. “Don’t avoid talking about the loss,” he says. As well You can send a thoughtful card to let them know that you are thinking of them and that you haven’t forgotten the meaning of their loss. “Our culture often speeds up grieving, but grieving is a process and it takes time,” he says.

Tangible ways to offer support beyond words

It’s a big deal, experts say. “Offering to coordinate plans, help with work or running errands can be helpful,” says Dr Frieden. “Bringing food and helping with childcare can ease anxiety during the initial transition after loss.”

Opher suggests being very specific about how you plan to help rather than letting your loved one figure out what they need. “A lot of times when people say, ‘Let me know when you need help,’ the grieving person may not know what they need,” he says. “It may be more helpful to say: ‘Can I bring you dinner next Wednesday or mow the lawn? »Or ‘I will do [inserta algo útil aquí] for you'”.

Again, it’s okay if you’re not sure what to say to someone who’s suffered a loss.. But follow their signals and recognize what happened at the right time It can be a great comfort to you during this difficult time.

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