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Dear Amy: I am asking for advice for my little sister, “Stella”.
Like a lot of people right now, Stella uses [a social media account delivering “X-rated entertainment”] to earn extra income.
Our older cousin “Candace” is married to “Ted”. They have three children. Ted is about 17 years older than Stella.
Stella discovered that Ted had subscribed to her account. She found out about this because he sent her a bunch of messages saying he always watches her at family functions. He called it his “dirty little secret”.
We’re both very disturbed by her behavior and don’t know what she should do next.
Should Stella tell Candace? Stella told our mother in the hope that she would have some advice and that she could avoid any future uncomfortable family reunions.
Our mom thinks it’s possible Candace is siding with Ted and that might make matters worse.
Stella and I agreed that we would like to know if our significant other was doing this.
I encouraged Stella to take screenshots of her posts in case she needed proof in the future (which she did).
Stella blocked her account and informed her friends on the website so that they can block it as well. A friend noticed that he was paying for some of his content, but only for the content that included Stella.
Should my sister keep this a secret or let our cousin know what her husband is doing?
– Big Sis concerned
Dear Big Sis: “Ted” is a creep. More on that later. But part of your question is whether “Stella” should warn your cousin “Candace” because her husband Ted subscribes to Stella’s “X-rated entertainment” account.
If Stella provides porn behind a paywall, I guess a lot, if not most, of her clients are someone’s husband / significant other.
I will draw an equivalence to a medium like Penthouse magazine. If Stella is hired to pose for the Penthouse, then should your cousin’s husband be “exposed” for buying her from a newsstand? No.
Your mom knows Stella’s groove, so I imagine that acceptance would outweigh any extreme family awkwardness.
However, Ted’s choice to harass Stella should NOT remain anyone’s “dirty little secret”.
Even though Ted might have thought he was engaging in some creative and sexy role play, having a parent tell him about his role in his fantasy life is… scary! Stella should respond directly to Ted, shutting him off. And, depending on how he responds, in order to deny him the pleasure of having it as his “dirty little secret,” she should feel free to tell him.
You should assume that Ted’s wife will be on his side. But, since his harassment is untenable, I don’t think the rest of the family should care too much about him or his feelings.
Dear Amy: A few years ago my husband and I met a couple who would become our best friends. They have two daughters and we have one.
Their oldest, “Maggie”, is the same age as my daughter (6 years old).
Maggie is rude, disrespectful, mean and a bully.
We neglected it because we value friendship so much.
My daughter loves to play with their daughters, but I think her feelings are hurt by Maggie, even though she is too nice to say it.
I think a comment I made recently about a rude incident caused a breakup. However, I am tired of allowing their daughter to treat us and our daughter so badly.
Parents refuse to acknowledge that there is a problem. I think the child needs professional help.
I would hate to see the end of the friendship, but I also want to set an example for my daughter, which is that we do not allow people to treat us that way.
Should I end the friendship? What should I tell them?
– upset mom
Dear upset: The way to communicate with these parents would be to say, “Maggie is dominating our daughter and she doesn’t seem to know how to handle this. I hope I haven’t overstepped your place, but I felt I had to intervene.
Dear Amy: “Luddite in Nebraska” complained that in-laws send important information (about marriage, pregnancy and birth) via text message. Luddite felt it was “in bad taste” and that a phone call was needed.
Please note that the way of delivering news and information has evolved.
I’m old enough to remember when using the phone for important news was considered “in bad taste.” I had to write a letter.
– Definitely
Dear Geezer: Excellent point!
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
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