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Ask Amy: How long does it take too much with her boyfriend's family?



Dear Amy, I'm in my thirties and I'm going out with my boyfriend for two years. While my family lives in a different state, he lives at home with his parents.

That would not be a problem, except that we seem to spend too much time with his family, usually at least one weekend afternoons a weekend, in addition to the week's dinners.

Birthdays and anniversaries of the family tend to be business that last all day, and with siblings and grandparents who live nearby, I have the impression of spending all my time with his family. It seems excessive and I feel more like a child than an adult woman.

My boyfriend does not seem to see him that way. He always asks me if I want to do other things with his parents.

I tried to tell him that I needed to feel that we were developing our own relationship outside of his family, but I do not know if he hears me or if I ask too much .

I know his parents are pushing him to spend time with them, but I want him to set boundaries.

— Stuck up

Dear Stuck, I'll assume that your boyfriend is (too) in his thirties. I will also assume that he has always lived at home. He acts like a man whose world has always been centered on his family. YOU are the intruder, you are the extra, and you will be asked to be part of the strong social and family system that already exists.

Yes, it's too much time for you with his family. How do I know that? Because you think it.

With respect to the limits, I agree that limits must be established. But YOU should draw the limit, and this should be for you – not for him.

If family weekend afternoons are exhausting, you should instead take a yoga class – or a morning with a friend. He might decide that he misses staying with you, and so he might choose to do something with you. (He might not do it, but because you will already have a plan for you, it will not matter.)

Plus, take a separate means of transportation (if possible) for one day celebrations so that your urge to leave does not hinder his or her desire to stay.

I guess you appreciate his family and I assure you that you will enjoy it more if you make choices according to your own desires and priorities.

You should also face reality: it's like that. That's the way it is. Unless he ultimately chooses to be a different type of adult, his near future and distant future will always include his clan.

Dear Amy, I've recently started working longer than normal and it's getting exhausting. My friends are really important to me. We used to spend time everyday after work, but now I am too tired to stay awake late with my friends.

They are aware that my hours have changed, but they continue to call, text, and even go home at night.

When they do, I often tell them that I have more work to do (even if it's not my case), because I do not want to offend them by telling them that I would rather watch. " The Office "and go to bed with them.

Is my lie and laziness justified, or should I just go beyond and go with them?

– Slothful liar

Dear lazy liar: Because you mentioned "The Office", I will use a reference from the series to describe you.

You, my friend, are such a "Pam".

But even Pam, sweet, passive and always cooperative, finally found her voice (in the third season). And so you should.

Lying and laziness are never justified. I'm surprised you're deploying even the effort to keep lying to your friends.

Tell your truth: "Guys, my new work schedule is exhausting, I can only go out once a week, let's get the best night and we'll have a good time."

Dear Amy, "Disturbed by Not Disturbing" was offended by a "do not disturb" hotel, with a tie at the door. She thought it was a sexist symbol left by the university culture – and you agreed with it!

Where are we if we can not enjoy a little "wink" and spirit in this world?

— Disturbs

Dear Upset: If that is your idea of ​​the mind, then we have nothing to discuss.

(You can send an email to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook. )


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