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Dear Amy: My mother raised six children during her life. She chose to be a stay-at-home mom, although my dad had barely done enough to keep us afloat.
As soon as we turned 13, we were told to find a source of money because we would be responsible for our tuition at a private school.
It did not kill us. In fact, it made us responsible.
Now that my parents are older, for whatever reason, my mother likes to make us feel guilty about our father's lack of initiative in providing a better lifestyle.
She told me that, being her children, she would think that we could provide them winters in Florida to allow them to enjoy a warmer weather, and that we could afford it, because we appreciate the traveling with our families and do not feel the need to invite them.
I'm running out of words when she starts these tirades. What I mean is on the tip of the tongue, that I bite each time. My mother made her choices a long time ago. How should I answer?
Disturbs
Dear evil, I realize that your question really concerns your mother, yet your attitude reflects her bitterness and her right. Although you claim to have done well, you seem to have felt financially abandoned by your parents.
You do not say how many children you have raised, but being a full-time parent for six children is not an easy task. It would be nice if you found a way to recognize your parents' efforts, even if you found them inadequate.
You and your siblings do not have to provide Florida winters to your parents. You should not join a guilty plea either, with your mother's permission.
You should draw a limit around your own choices, but also dig deeper to try to see what is really eating you. If you feel that your mother has not done enough for you in your childhood, then maybe you should tell her She could then see you as an ungrateful and stop wanting to spend time with you.
A better, healthier response would be that you realize that your parents may have made mistakes, but at some point you should be prepared to forgive them, even if you do not intend to forgive them. to repair.
Dear Amy: I learned today that one of my son's grandparents is facing a serious diagnosis of cancer and a sudden, poor prognosis.
This woman is the mother-in-law of my ex: she has been part of my son's life since the day of his birth. She and I had a warm and cordial relationship while my ex and I were together.
I have not seen it since my ex and I ended our relationship almost 12 years ago. Our son is now 20 years old and our co-parenting has long been reduced to a minimum of contacts. My son sees his grandparents a few times a year, though.
I am shocked and obviously very sad about this news. I would love to send her a card or letter, ideally to tell her that she influenced my life with her sense of grace and that she served as a role model.
I do not know how to proceed, or even if it is appropriate to start.
How would you start the wording of such a letter? Do you recognize the prognosis? Is it just too late?
Sad
Dear sad, I am really surprised how often people ask themselves if it is appropriate to express their affection for someone they care about.
It's always appropriate and, whatever the relationship between the ex-son-in-law, this should be done.
You start like this: "Dear Carol, Randy has said that you are sick. I am sorry to hear that. You've been such a wonderful grandmother (Randy is crazy about you), and more than that – you've influenced me so much over the years!
Then you share stories, memories and affection – without being sappy or maudlin.
Dear Amy: Thank you, thank you for having explained "gas lighting" to the woman who signed her letter "Gaslit".
She claimed that her husband lit her with gas by not mowing the lawn.
Amen to your suggestion that she should mow the lawn herself!
thankful
Dear grateful, The term "diesel" has gained so much popularity that it now seems to be used as a generic term for two people in conflict. However, it has a very specific context, taken directly from the wonderful film "Gaslight".
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