Ask Amy: Never ask anyone why he does not have children.


Dear Amy, My husband and I have been together for 10 years (married for three years) and we will soon be 30 years old. My husband made personal choices that probably prevented us from getting pregnant.

I have a professional career, where I talk to people casually and frequently. At work and in my personal life, I am often asked, "So when are you finally going to have children? and "Do you think you have children with you growing old?" and, "When are you going to give me some big babies?"

To be honest, not being pregnant yet was one of the hardest feelings I have ever faced. I want it more than anything, so it's hard for me to answer those comments.

I do not want to make conversations embarrassing or put someone in their place, but I'm tired of saying generic comments like "We'll see" and force a smile.

Do you have any advice for me on what I can say or how I can answer people's questions?

– Judged and sad

Dear judges, I grant, this is an extremely difficult and painful subject for you, but you have signed your question "Judged and sad" and therefore seem to interpret these intrusive queries as judgments about your current status without children.

You also launch a bomb against your husband regarding the "personal choices" that he made and that, in your opinion, affect your ability to get pregnant.

Yes, you suffer a lot.

I can not imagine that anyone – regardless of their kinship or fertility status – would actually accept a question about something as personal as pregnancy. Why do people ask? In the history of the world, has this question ever been welcomed as follows: "Wow, I'm glad you asked me about it! I am dying to discuss my choices about contraception and fertility issues with a worker / mother-in-law. "

I suggest you arm yourself with a simple but polite answer: "I can say that you are curious about this, but I do not want to talk about it. Thank you for your understanding."

You must also bring yourself accurate medical information, research your options (IVF, adoption or surrogacy), take a deep breath and simply try to be patient with yourself and others.

You and your husband should sit with a therapist. You may need more professional coaching to manage your personal and family relationships.

Dear Amy, I am a 50 year old woman living in Canada. I have been with my common-law partner for over 11 years now. He's a nice guy, but he never shows his true feelings to me.

For over 11 years he has always told me that he could leave me easily and at any time. At first I thought he was joking but NO, he is really serious.

It does not seem to bother him in the least – to talk to me that way.

Amy, I do not want to waste my time with him anymore, knowing that he would leave me anyway. I do not mind being alone (but happy) rather than confused and sad all the time.

I need peace of mind. What is your consseille?

– Spent

Expensive: If you decided to leave this relationship and live alone, you might not be happy all the time – but at least you'd be sure you knew you were in control of your relationship status. This knowledge and security can work wonders for your self-esteem.

Being threatened with abandonment will keep a person always unbalanced. It is difficult to relax if you are still unsure about your relationship.

Eliminating this constant threat would release a lot of mental and emotional bandwidth. Fifty years is the ideal age to go out alone: ​​you are old enough to know who you are and what you want, and you are young enough to enjoy a second (or third or fourth) act in the great drama 39 is your life.

Dear Amy: "Confused" wrote to you about her friend who had an affective bond with a married man, until his wife discovered it and put an end to it.

Thank you for advising him NOT to be an intermediary between these two people! I made this mistake (once) and, of course, everything exploded. I lost the friend I was trying to help.

— Was there

Dear been there: The deep involvement in the romantic drama of someone else is seldom satisfactory – for anyone.

(You can contact Amy Dickinson by email at [email protected].) Readers can send a mail to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter. @ askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.)


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