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Dear Amy: I am a happily married woman in her thirties. Two years ago, my mother died tragically from cancer, which devastated my father. One year later, he married "Maria".
Although I am delighted that my father seems happy and less alone, I can not help but notice how cruel Maria seems to be. The first thing she did after moving in was to have my mother's beloved dog fall asleep. (She said that the dog was old and "they had decided to no longer want pets.")
After that, I received a package in the mail filled with my paintings. I am an artist and many of my paintings have been exposed around the house. Maria had taken them because they had decided to "redecor".
I live at two o'clock and when I call them, I rarely have the opportunity to talk to my dad. Maria always answers the phone and if I ask, she will say he is too tired or in the shower. I do not know if Maria sends her my messages, because when I can talk to her, he acts as if I have not called for years.
I am an adult woman and I am happy to see my father have company. The last thing I want to be is small. But I am hurt by this woman's actions and I need an objective outside observer to tell me if my feelings are out of place. Obviously, my mother still misses me terribly, so maybe it hurts my judgment. What should I do / say to this woman, if any?
Worried girl
Dear worried: It looks like your father's wife is deliberately isolating (and successfully) your father. Having euthanized the dog, repainting and sending your paintings quickly is a way for her to remove familiar – and probably reassuring – aspects of your father's previous life.
It can be extremely painful to see a loved one involved in an abusive or controlling relationship. Attempting to intervene or possibly intimidate the controlling party will not necessarily work and may turn against him.
Presumably, your father is in good cognitive health. He has the right to choose to be with this woman. However, you must do everything in your power to stay in close contact with him. Visit at least once a month and invite them both to visit you for the night. The best way to keep an eye on your dad would be to become his friend as much as possible.
If you notice signs of abuse, neglect or financial abuse, if you can never talk to your father or be alarmed by sudden changes in his health or behavior, you can call a hotline for abuse of the person. elderly in their area to seek advice and possibly intervene.
Dear Amy: I am a 70 year old woman with a 39 year old girl. Through DNA testing, she recently discovered that my husband was not his biological father.
I had to admit to having a love affair with a married man for two years. He would not get a divorce, but he wanted me mistress. We quarreled and he disowned us and our baby and went away.
I recently located him, but his family refuses to let my daughter visit him because he has had a severe stroke. I am very confused.
A guilty mother!
Dear culprit, The calendar is a little fuzzy, but I'm going to assume that your husband always knew he was not your daughter's biological father. Please, understand that it is an important part of this family equation.
What you need to do now is to be completely honest and transparent with your daughter, providing answers to her questions, to the best of your abilities. In addition to the emotional impact on her, she is likely to have valid genetic issues. The married man who abandoned you, you and his daughter, can not come now, and if he is weakened, his family will realistically try to protect him (and themselves) from this shock.
Give all the contact information to your daughter. Support her efforts and support her emotionally as well, as she is going through a very difficult transition in her own life.
Dear Amy: I totally agree with your answer to "Pete the Packrat".
Never rent a storage unit for your excess business. It just creates a space vacuum to fill with more things. I learned this the hard way and I try very hard to change.
Old Packrat
Dear Packrat, What my family calls "hoeing" is an ongoing process. I thank you for your trust!
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