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By CAROLYN HAX (Adapted from a recent online discussion.)
Dear Carolyn, My boyfriend a few months seems to like going on vacation with his ex and his teenage son. It really bothers me. The first time, he justified this by saying that the reservation had been made before the separation and that the son really wanted the two to leave. He said it would not happen again.
Now, he is talking about a vacation that he says his ex and his son want to take together, and he admits that if I was not there, he would leave because he thinks that it 's okay. is a good idea for his son. I think he's trying to convince me to let him go, even if he denies it.
The problem is that he still has not asked for a divorce, although he has promised to do so for months, and has not told his son that he will get a divorce ( he thought it was a separation). Of course, I did not meet the son and I will not do it either.
Although I do not really believe that my boyfriend will come back with his ex, it hurts me. Assuming that the divorce is pronounced before the trip, do I really have the right to say no? I want the best for his son, but there are so many other ways to spend a fun vacation that does not require that the ex be present. I am supportive of the idea that BF may wish to remain stable with his family, but I think he will also have to adapt to a new normal situation. But I try not to be selfish.
Plus, I've known him for years, so I trust him and I want it to work more than any other person. I think he cares a lot about me, but I also know that he has serious border issues with his ex – she gets what she wants from him even though her long-term bond is the reason they separated.
She is aware of me and apparently completely panicked at the thought of her leaving. I'm stuck – do I cut (sadly) neckties or do I learn to live with something that I think does not suit me?
– Really disturbed
Hax: Oh my God no. That alone – "do I learn to live with something that I do not think suits me" – makes you go through the "noooo" fast track.
But since you took the time to type all the other things:
You do not have a small problem of wacky holidays, you have a big problem always too nested with the ex-non-ex.
So please tell this charming man that you love him and hope to be with him someday, but can not as long as there is still much to do in his marriage. When he divorces, when he tells the truth to his son, when he is honest with himself about the dynamics and his fight with the borders, when he has his choices instead of hiding behind "reasoning" good idea for his son, "when he can with you in the full light of day, then he should absolutely call you.
Painful, yes, but not as painful as where you are headed. To continue on this road is to leave your car, to move the sawdog "road closed" on the side and to continue your route. Not recommended.
Send an email to Carolyn at [email protected], follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat online with her at 9 am ET. Pacific / noon every Friday on www.washingtonpost.com.
(c) 2019, Washington Post Writers Group
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