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Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn,
"Becky" and I stayed with my brother, "Dan" and his wife, "Mae". Becky and I are newly married and it was her first stay at my brother's home.
Later, she gave Mae a thank you and gave her some helpful tips about some of the housing problems: nothing serious, just replace the mattress of the guest room, let the drain drain into the room. bath and leave a lot do not eat high carbohydrate meals in the morning. Becky would be welcome if someone did it for her and thought she was doing Mae a favor.
Mae is livid and has forbidden us to visit. I would have liked Becky to check with me before sending the text, but Mae reacts excessively. We were really good guests – we only stayed for three days, we took everyone to meals, we did all the cleaning after a big meal and we always cleaned up after ourselves, so it was at best a minor discomfort.
I told Dan when I explained that Becky did not want to say anything, and now he's also angry at me. My mother lives with my brother and asked me to repair fences. Becky and I are therefore welcome. Where can I start fixing this mess?
– Banned
Carolyn:
Becky begins to fix it with abject and sincere excuses. Sensational.
And then, you really hope that's enough.
Mae reacts excessively may be a little – in its place, I would not have forbidden you (out of love for Dan) – but for you to let it be said that you still do not understand, how awful it was to send this criticism. And just for Mae, not Dan, as if she were the mistress of mattresses! Ugh Ugh Ugh.
Seriously. Maybe Becky "will sincerely welcome" the same thing, but it places her among the thickest people on the planet. That, or it's just theoretical and she's never actually received a detailed list of her shortcomings that her co-facilitator does not have.
I do not know how to tell you that differently. Becky just set fire to your relationship with your family and you and she must admit it out loud to your entire family before you start shooting as fast as you can.
Re: Fallout:
I am not a kind of girl "clutch of pearls", but wow. I've literally tried to grab beads that I do not wear. Being friendly during the stay does not eliminate bad behavior after the fact.
– Beads of clutch
Re: Fallout:
So you can not tell them that the tub is emptying slowly?
– Curious
Carolyn:
You can – right after you've noticed it.
Re: Fallout:
Maybe Becky comes from a Festivus family and grievance spreading is her love language? "I have a lot of problems with you!"
– Anonymous
Carolyn:
You can stay.
Re: Fallout:
How do Mae and Dan know that their mattress needs help? Surely there is a way to say that kind of thing?
— Help me
Carolyn:
Everyone with a room needs to do an occasional sleep test. It's like that that they know.
Re: Fallout:
Since Becky is a fan of constructive criticism, she should be grateful to Mae for so kindly pointing out to her how stupid she is. That's for his good!
– S.
Carolyn:
Winner.
Carolyn Hax began her counseling column in 1997 after five years as editor and editor of news in Style and none as a therapist. Email Carolyn at [email protected], follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon, Eastern Time, every Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
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