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Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn,
Three years ago, when I married happily, a friend of a college friends group proposed a liaison. I refused and I avoided seeing him one-on-one.
Now I am having a difficult divorce. He proposed a link again. I'm still not interested. I told him that and he told me that he and his wife had "an understanding".
At first I was just friends with him, but I have known his wife in the last few years and I like him very much. Do I have the obligation to tell him that he comes to see me several times? I do not care about an affair with him and I have no problem saying it, but I see them as a couple every six weeks or so. I feel weird to catch up with his wife about their new car or last vacation knowing that her husband is interested in a deal.
– I just love you as a friend
Carolyn:
In a fair world, you have an affair with your wife.
In this world, I am not comfortable with what you say or do not tell her about her husband. On one side, this guy has a terrible sound and everything is in my impulse to shout, "She needs to know how terrible it is!" Because it seems to lie to you and cheat on his wife. And even though it is quite true that their marriage is covered by a clear and mutual "understanding", he sued you when you were in a marriage that, to his knowledge, was faithful and confident, and he did not still do not take your no for an answer. Which, of course, places his whole story of "understanding" under a cloud of suspicion, because in the best of cases, he is always crossing borders and is always in agreement to deceive your husband.
On the other hand, of course, their intimate life does not concern you. Your business starts and ends with the way you conduct your relationships.
The only solution is to keep a polite distance with the husband as far as possible within your group of friends and to remain cordial and in solidarity with the wife.
Bleah.
Unless of course you can tell him that you would like to talk to this woman about this "understanding", since he would agree with that, right? Call. If it's not a bluff, then that it strikes other women is not a secret and you can stay in the company of your wife without it weighing you down.
Dear Carolyn,
Is there a way to deal with someone who thinks that politely exonerate from a conversation or a social gathering – because the subject puts you in a bad way? You're tired, because you're tired, because you have to be introverted – is impolitely rude? I guess Nope?
– No, you must stay!
Carolyn:
Depends. The intimacy of the relationship influences your management.
But in general, my advice is to do only what you have to do – "I'm leaving, good evening everyone" – and to politely reject the corrections that go beyond personal boundaries. Apply at all levels.
Carolyn Hax began her counseling column in 1997 after five years as editor and editor of news in Style and none as a therapist. Email Carolyn at [email protected], follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon, Eastern Time, every Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
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