Carolyn Hax: The spouse wants to move on, but a family member keeps talking about a case



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By CAROLYN HAX

(Adapted from a recent online discussion.)

Dear Carolyn,

Once, many years ago, my wife had a brief sexual relationship with one of our friends, then she told me nothing and cut ties with this friend. We went to therapy and resolved the problems that led to this case. We came out with what I believe to be a much stronger marriage. Since then we have had a child, bought a house and adopted pets together. Our connection is strong and we do not plan to break up.

Yet one of my relatives – we see it very often – insists that my wife be treated as a risk of flight. This family member is one of the only people I have confided to after discovering this case, because I thought that we could trust him to help me keep objectivity when we decided what to do about it. Instead, it makes me progressively more difficult to progress emotionally, and whenever we are close to each other, I must experience reminders of this difficult time.

How can I get another person to believe what I believe now, that my marriage is stronger for this affair and that my spouse is not a perverse person who can never be trusted again?

– Recalled

The solution is to never "convince" anyone to "believe" anything – file it for current or future use.

Please also accept my condolences. Ensuring that your carefully chosen confidant turns you on is an extra burden where you barely needed it.

But let's go back to the problem "incite another person to": I'm not saying that it's never worth it to specify what you need, to ask directly to someone, and then to ask someone else about it. hope your message passes. In that case, I'm sure you explained to your parent that your efforts since the case strengthened your marriage, and that it was a reasonable approach.

But when your parent is insensitive to this information, you have decided to drop your persuasion efforts and move to a "think what you like" approach because only your opinion matters.

Start this phase with the final conversation about it: "You've explained your point of view, dear parent, I'm discussing it." Do you want to look me in the eye and accept, now, to drop this? Once and for all, because if you are not, then I must propose a Plan B. "

Plan B is a version of getting away from this member of your family, but you do not need to understand this yet. you can think about where to draw the line and how to put it into effect, and then update that parent as needed.

But as you can see, you can absolutely, 100%, choose to never talk to this family member again – and you have to choose that to effectively deliver a "drop" message. Hang up, leave the room, answer non-sequentially, but hold on.

A family member: "Let me remind you again of this difficult time."

You: "[the weirder the better]. "

Once you have clearly explained your point – "Next Nope." – Do not hesitate to use non-responses as an opportunity to entertain yourself, especially if this person is an integral part (as in the difficult part to avoid). of your life.

Email Carolyn at [email protected], follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 9 am Pacific time every Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

(c) 2019, Washington Post Writers Group

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