Carolyn Hax: There's no time left for deep woes

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn, My husband does not want to spend time alone with me, leaving me frustrated. We have two very young children, both working at high pressure and full time. We both want to spend more time with our children and try to maximize all the opportunities we have with them, but that never seems enough. We never have time for ourselves either, but we have sort of abandoned that for the moment.

I would like to spend some time alone with my husband. He does not do. I recently asked for a lunch or dinner every three months, but it was clear that he did not want to hire him. He wants to spend time with me, just with the kids too. He says that he feels connected to me with them there and does not want to miss the time with them.

I do not want to miss the time with them either, but I want a separate relationship with my husband. We have not been out alone together for more than a year – and this includes our fifth wedding anniversary because he wanted to spend it with the kids.

I could basically force him out with me, but it's clear that he does not feel like it and, honestly, it's not nice to be with a husband who does not want to not be there. I am a total cliche but yes, I want him to want to spend time alone with me, which I know I can not control. Where am I going from here?

– Miss my husband

(Nick Galifianakis / for the Washington Post)

Miss my husband: I know you asked a specific question about time alone with your wife, but all I could think of reading this was: are you going to go back to that life that you built and do you take good care of yourself? and from each other, and took advantage of the best life to offer?

I wrote this in three different ways before choosing this one because I do not want it to look shameful. I only intend to ask you to stop everything, take three steps back and look at your entire daily life. Ask your soul to watch and report.

The fact that your husband will not go out alone with you is a significant marriage problem in itself. Huge. But I do not think you can solve it alone.

I would have liked to be able to talk to you both, because you both have created this train-run life together, and that you are both stressed and exhausted, grieving the childhood of your children even before they have elapsed. .

Please, insist that you and he do some kind of retirement together, alone, to find the brakes. Before everything crashes, before the children are hurt.

If he refuses, you ask him to consult couples with you, because it's not a matter of, oh God, I want to go out to dinner and he wants to stay home. You made an almost ridiculous request: four lunches a year, just adults. This means that his "no" is a statement. If he's not going to be in therapy with you, then go solo to get to work on Plan B.