Dear Abby: Baby Memory That They Lost Is An Annual Couple Ritual



CHER ABBY: Thank you for answering the June 7 "Crystal in Nevada" question about his aunt and stillborn baby. Few people talk openly about pregnancy loss, but I'm afraid your response will discourage parents from remembering their children out loud, lest it be too morbid for others.

My daughter, Evelyn, was born at 21 weeks of gestation and died at birth. She would be 7 years old this fall. I think about her every day. As a result of his death, I asked for the help of a pastor and I was also part of a support group.

Each year, on his birthday, my wife and I put a birthday candle on a cake, a stack of pancakes or a tiny cookie. It is important to us and that is how we remember it. I wonder if it's really sad. How should we remember her? She was real to us.

People remember different ways of bereavement birthdays, and we need to be careful when judging what is appropriate or not. If a person's grief hinders everyday life, then he should seek advice. But a person who plays his grief at the anniversary of a loss should evoke our empathy rather than our judgment. I hope Crystal's aunt knows that there is a whole brotherhood here who will remember her baby with her. – ADRIANNE IN PENNSYLVANIA

ADRIANNE DEAR: I'm glad you wrote. I appreciate that you remind me that there are many ways to mourn. If this comforts those who have suffered a loss, no judgment should be rendered. I apologize to all the bereaved parents who have been touched by my response because it is clear that my response has caused hurtful feelings and I am very sorry for that.

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CHER ABBY: I am an independent professional woman in my forties. I do not know how to manage a friend I've known for almost 10 years. She is beautiful, with a magnetic personality, but she has the terrible habit of lying and embellishing things big and small, unimportant and serious.

There have been times when I have been dismayed by the enormity of her lies and embarrassed for her when someone said that he was aware that what she has says is not true. I kindly reminded her more than once that would catch her up and I encouraged her to be honest. It persists.

My problem: a few years ago, when she expressed the wish "to expand her circle", she incorporated some of my closest friends and their friends. The borders have been blurred and the need to impress others (lying, exaggerating greatly) is further aggravated. These new friends are attracted by his dynamic personality, but I can not stand his creeping dishonesty anymore. Will I eventually lose or damage other relationships by ending my friendship with her? Should I call her a liar and watch her react? I do not know if this friendship can be saved or if I even want to do it. – Sick to my stomach

DEAR SICK: You do not have to make big announcements about this poor woman. Staying away from a relationship with a compulsive liar should not hurt your other friendships. People will soon recognize her for what she is and will probably follow your example. If, however, you are asked why you are no longer socializing with her, I think you should calmly answer the question.

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, aka Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby to www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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