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DEAR ABBY: I love my wife very much, but unfortunately we have a communication / interpretation problem. She is curious and asks a lot of questions. I get defensive when questioned. Sometimes I feel like it shows a lack of self-confidence. My wife says I’m too sensitive.
There are times when I infer a negative tone where there is none, and others when I think my perception is correct. Sometimes I suspect that she doesn’t want to accept an answer that doesn’t match her own thinking. She comes from a family where correcting herself, even on the smallest thing, is common. She’s an educator, so in some ways that’s part of her job.
My wife seems unable to use an alternate wording which is less likely to elicit a defensive response. When we have a conflict over this, it seems like I’m always the one who has to give way. When I try to explain my feelings, it only makes it worse. When I choose to be more assertive, it results in more escalation. I am fortunate to have an independent, determined and straightforward spouse. How can I develop thicker skin so that it doesn’t feel like I’ve been guessing every time? When should I speak? – MISUNDERSTANDED IN TEXAS
DEAR MISUNDERSTANDED: NOW would be a good time to talk. When you do, tell your wife – the educator – that you feel guessed every moment, and that it’s time to seek help from a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist so that you both can improve. your communication skills. If she agrees, it might be helpful for your wedding. If not, go without it to help you determine if you are really “too sensitive.”
DEAR ABBY: My best friend, whom I have known most of my life, has a 7 year old grandson. The boy, “Cody”, is spoiled, rude, and makes obnoxious comments to adults. They will make plans to visit us on a weekend evening when my wife and I want to relax. While they’re here, Cody loads up sugar, noses around rooms, and picks up breakable items while watching us for our reaction. He also does Swedish gymnastics and runs while he’s here. He gives us arrogant comments that my friend encourages and finds amusing. As much as I love my friend, how do I tell him that his grandson is no longer welcome? – IN AN INVESTIGATION
DEAR IN A RIDDLE: Has it occurred to you that Cody might have more serious issues than a sugar buzz? The behavior you describe may be symptoms of ADHD and / or learning disabilities. If Cody hasn’t been evaluated by a healthcare professional, he should be. If you really like this friend, suggest it and tell them why. If he ends your relationship because of it, you will no longer be subjected to Cody’s unhappy behavior. On the other hand, if my concern is focused, you could change this boy’s life for the better because he’s not just acting in you.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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