Do you want a happy relationship? "The most comprehensive study in the world" indicates that there is only one thing left. (Plus: How to get it if you do not have it)

July 11, 2019 4:59 PM by admin

Study after study shows that people who have & nbsp;good relations& nbsp; - especially with their & nbsp; spouse or a significant relative - are more likely to achieve happiness.

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But what if there was one attribute that could predict whether the relationships would be good enough - and if the people who would be there would eventually be happy or frustrated?

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Now, a large-scale research project (described by the university that sponsored it as "the most comprehensive study" on the happiness of married couples to date) indicates that only one symbol is actually a unique feature.

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This is more important than all the other things we often think in relationships - greater than compatibility, growth, sexual attraction, intelligence, wisdom or values. & Nbsp; The unique attribute? Kindignation.

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Here's the study - more what to do if you're already in a relationship, but that does not seem to have the level of "kindness" that you may realize.

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5 small questions

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Write in the Personality Research JournalBill Chopik, associate professor of psychology and director of Michigan State University's Close Relations Laboratory, explained how he had screened data from 2,500 long-term married couples (over 20 years old) to understand it. & Nbsp;

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His data source included self-reported responses that couples had given to the following five questions, which were then used to assess their degree of fitness on five dimensions:

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1. Extroversion. ("I am sociable and sociable.")

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2. Kindness. ("I am considerate and kind to almost everyone.")

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3. Consciousness. ("I do a meticulous job.")

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4. emotional stability. ("I'm worried a lot.")

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5. Opening at experience. ("I am original and come with new ideas.")

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Chopik indicated that, overall, couples reporting higher rates of approval& nbsp; (# 2) and lower levels of emotional instability& nbsp; (# 4) also reported being happier with their relationships.

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Surprisingly for his team, Chopik, other questions about couples having common interests or personalities do not have much effect on happiness. (So ​​much for dating apps that promise to find "compatible" matches!)

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"People are investing a lot in the search for a compatible person, but our research indicates that it may not be the" end in itself, all-in-one, "Chopik. has explained. "Instead, people may want to ask," Are they a nice person? "Do they have a lot of anxiety?" These things matter a lot more. "

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Offers of attention

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Good to know, right? And maybe if you are in a couple or looking for a partner, you can rank the following advice: Pleasure and stability are important, as well as all the other attributes that you find attractive.

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But what if you are already in a marriage or other serious relationship? And if, when you evaluate things honestly, do you realize that you and your partner do not live up to the standard of kindness and pleasure?

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This is beyond the scope of Chopik's work, but fortunately there are many other sources of assistance and inspiration. I immediately point to the work of psychologists Julie and John Gottmanfor example, a husband and wife team who spent years studying the same question.

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The Gottmans & nbsp; argue that the rRelationships are composed of an infinite number of small interactions, and between couples, most of the & nbsp;the interactions can be considered as "requests for attention" intended to inspire "micro-behaviors".

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• Couples "seek attention" all the time: when they start a conversation, when they turn to intimacy and when they propose ideas or ask for opinions.

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• And every attempt at attention is therefore an invitation to "visit", that is, to respond with warmth and interest, which in practice means active listening and empathy.

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When you list your interactions in this way, it becomes clear that many of us have work to do in our relationships. A Formed by Gottman A psychologist estimates that happy couples "surrender" 86% of the time, while miserable couples do so about a third of the time.

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I know it sounds simple. This is - although it is not always easy to do in practice. But it's a good three-point plan to try to stay ahead of the game.

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• Step 1: Listen to the offers carefully and try to go. Respond to your partner with interest.

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• Step 2: If you can not go - no one can do it all the time; otherwise, we would not have time to do anything else - make it clear that you want it. ("I'm interested to hear, darling, & nbsp; but can we talk about it later?")

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• Step 3: When you make a mistake, you'll realize, excuse us. & Nbsp;

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In the end, how do you call someone who is careful, does he like that, does he let you know that he cares about you and apologizes when he is wrong? ?

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I think we call this person "nice" or "nice".

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And maybe if Chopik and his team are right, it would seem that we also call them a person in a happy relationship.

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