Home / Health / Do you want a happy relationship? "The most comprehensive study in the world" indicates that there is only one thing left. (Plus: How to get it if you do not have it)

Do you want a happy relationship? "The most comprehensive study in the world" indicates that there is only one thing left. (Plus: How to get it if you do not have it)



Study after study, proves that people who have good relationships – especially with their spouse or significant other – are most likely to achieve happiness.

But what if only one attribute could predict whether the relationships would be good enough – and if the people living there would eventually be happy or frustrated?

Now, a large-scale research project (described by the university that sponsored it as "the most comprehensive study on marriage happiness to date") indicates that there is one.

This is more important than all the other things that we often think in relationships – greater than compatibility, growth, sexual attraction, intelligence, wisdom or values. The only attribute? Kindignation.

Here's the study – more what to do if you are already in a relationship, but it does not seem to have the level of "kindness" that you may be missing.

5 small questions

Write in the Personality Research JournalBill Chopik, Associate Professor of Psychology and Director of the Close Relations Laboratory at Michigan State University, explained how he had screened data from 2,500 long-term married couples (20 years and over) to understand this.

His data source included self-reported responses that couples had given to the following five questions, which were then used to assess their degree of fitness on five dimensions:

  1. Extroversion. ("I am sociable and sociable.")
  2. Kindness. ("I am considerate and kind to almost everyone.")
  3. Consciousness. ("I do a meticulous job.")
  4. emotional stability. ("I'm worried a lot.")
  5. Opening at experience. ("I am original and come with new ideas.")

Chopik indicated that, overall, couples reporting higher rates of approval (No. 2) and lower levels of emotional instability (# 4) also said to be happier with their relationships.

Surprisingly for his team, Chopik, other questions about whether couples had common interests or common personalities did not have much effect on happiness. (So ​​much for dating apps that promise to find "compatible" matches!)

"People are investing a lot in finding a compatible person, but our research indicates that it may not be the ultimate solution," Chopik said. "Instead, people may want to ask," Is this a nice person? "" Do they have a lot of anxiety? These things matter a lot more. "

Offers of attention

Good to know, right? And maybe if you are a couple or looking for a partner, you can rank the following advice: Nice and stability matters, as well as all the other attributes that interest you.

But what if you are already in a marriage or other serious relationship? And if, when you evaluate things honestly, do you realize that you and your partner do not live up to the standard of kindness and pleasure?

This is beyond the reach of Chopik's work, but fortunately there are many other sources on which to inspire. I will immediately quote the work of psychologists Julie and John Gottman, for example, a husband and wife team who spent years studying the same question.

The Gottmans maintain that the rRelationships are composed of an infinite number of small interactions, and that between couples, most the interactions can be considered as "requests for attention" intended to inspire "micro-behaviors".

  • Couples "seek attention" all the time: when they start a conversation, when they turn to intimacy and when they propose ideas or ask for opinions.
  • And each attention attempt of this type is therefore an invitation to "visit", that is, to react with warmth and interest, which in practice means active listening and empathy.

When you list your interactions in this way, it becomes clear that many of us have work to do in our relationships. A psychologist trained by Gottman estimates that happy couples "surrender" 86% of the time, while poorly married couples do it about a third of the time.

I know it sounds simple. It is good that it is not always easy to do in practice. But it's a good three-point plan that's trying to keep tops the list.

  • Step 1: Listen to the offers carefully and try to go. Respond to your partner with interest.
  • Step 2: If you can not return – no one can all the time; otherwise, we would not have time to do anything else – clearly indicate what you want. ("That interests me, darling, but can we talk about it later?")
  • Step 3: When you make a mistake – and you will – and you realize it, excuse yourself.

In the end, how do you call someone who is careful, does he like that, does he let you know that he cares about you and apologizes when he is wrong? ?

I think we call this person "nice" or "nice".

And maybe if Chopik and his team are right, it would seem that we also call them a person in a happy relationship.

The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are theirs, not those of Inc.com.

Study after study proves people who have good relationships -- especially with their spouse or significant other -- are most likely to achieve happiness.

n

But, what if there was a single attribute that could predict whether relationships would be good enough -- and whether the people in them would ultimately be happy or frustrated?

n

Now, a massive research project (described by the university that sponsored it as the "most comprehensive study" of marriage happiness to date) says there's a single is in fact one such single characteristic.

n

It's bigger than any of the other things we often think of in relationships --- bigger than compatibility, growth, sexual attraction, intelligence, wisdom, or values. The single attribute? Kindness.

n

Here's the study -- plus what to do if you're already in a relationship, but it doesn't seem to have the level of "kindness" you realize you might be missing.

n

5 little questions

n

Writing in the Journal of Research in Personality, Bill Chopik, associate professor of psychology and director of the Close Relationships Lab at Michigan State University, explained how he combed through data on 2,500 long-term married couples (20+ years) to figure this out. 

n

His data source involved self-reported responses that the couples had given to the following five questions, which were in turn used to evaluate their degree of aptitude on five dimensions:

n

    t

  1. Extraversion. ("I am outgoing and sociable.")
  2. t

  3. Agreeableness. ("I am considerate and kind to almost everyone.")
  4. t

  5. Conscientiousness. ("I do a thorough job.")
  6. t

  7. Emotional stability. ("I worry a lot.")
  8. t

  9. Openness to experience. ("I am original and come up with new ideas.")

n

Across the board, Chopik reported, couples who reported higher levels of agreeableness (#2) and lower levels of emotional instability (#4) also reported being happier with their relationships.

n

Surprisingly to Chopik his team, other questions about whether couples had common interests or personalities didn't have very much effect on happiness at all. (So much for dating apps that promise to find "compatible" matches!)

n

"People invest a lot in finding someone who's compatible, but our research says that may not be the 'end-all, be-all,'" Chopik explained. "Instead, people may want to ask, 'Are they a nice person?' 'Do they have a lot of anxiety?' Those things matter way more."

n

Bids for attention

n

Good to know, right? And maybe if you're dating or on the lookout for a partner, you might file away the advice: Agreeableness and stability matter, along with whatever other attributes you find attractive.

n

But what if you're already in a marriage or other serious relationship? And what if when you assess things honestly, you realize that you and your partner aren't living up to the kindness and agreeableness standard?

n

This goes beyond the scope of Chopik's work, but thankfully there are many other sources to take guidance and inspiration from. I'd point immediately to the work of psychologists Julie and John Gottman, for example, a husband-and-wife team who have spent years studying the same question.

n

The Gottmans argue that personal relationships are made up of an infinite number of small interactions, and that between couples, most interactions can be seen as "bids for attention" that are intended to inspire "micro-behaviors."

n

    t

  • Couples "bid for attention" all the time: when they start a conversation, when they lean in for intimacy, and when they propose ideas or ask for opinions.
  • t

  • And, every such bid for attention is thus an invitation to "turn in," meaning to respond with warmth and interest, which in practice means active listening and empathy.

n

When you inventory your interactions like this, it becomes clear that a lot of us have work to do in our relationships. One Gottman-trained psychologist estimates that happy couples "turn in" 86 percent of the time, while miserably married couples do it about one-third of the time.

n

I know this sounds simple. It is -- although it's not always easy to do in practice. But it's a good three-point plan to try to keep top of mind.

n

    t

  • Step 1: Listen for bids for attention, and try to turn in. Respond to your partner with interest.
  • t

  • Step 2: If you can't turn in -- nobody can all the time; otherwise we'd have no time for anything else -- make clear that you want to. ("I'm interested to hear, honey, but can we talk about this later?")
  • t

  • Step 3: When you screw up -- and you will -- and you realize it, apologize for doing so. 

n

At the end, what do you call someone who pays attention likes this, lets you know they care about you, and apologizes when they mess up?

n

I think we call that person "agreeable" or "kind."

n

And just maybe, if Chopik and his team are right, it sounds like we also call them a person in a happy relationship.

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Sign up for Bill's Inc. This Morning newsletter.","aut_footer_blurb":"Bill Murphy Jr. is a contributing editor at Inc.com. Contact and bio at www.billmurphyjr.com","aut_column_name":"Action Required","aut_atyid":2,"aut_newsletter_location":"https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1mOdRBhhoAnBRvskiXwtgZUZ0CWxVTIJNZeIFTlVZvuQ/viewform","authorimage":"https://www.incimages.com/uploaded_files/image/100x100/Bill-Murphy_51492.png","sortorder":null}],"images":[{"id":396951,"sortorder":null}],"inlineimages":[],"photoEssaySlides":null,"readMoreArticles":null,"slideshows":[],"videos":[],"bzwidgets":null,"relatedarticles":null,"comparisongrids":[],"products":[],"keys":["Lead","Grow","Work-Life Balance","Wire","Bill Murphy Jr.","Columnist"],"meta_description":"Relationships take work. Here's how to work in the right direction. ","brandview":null,"internationalversion":[],"imagemodels":[{"id":396951,"img_foreignkey":"658617514","img_gettyflag":true,"img_reusableflag":false,"img_rightsflag":false,"img_usrid":0,"img_pan_crop":null,"img_tags":null,"img_reference_name":"getty_658617514.jpg","img_caption":null,"img_custom_credit":null,"img_bucketref":null,"img_panoramicref":"getty_658617514.jpg","img_super_panoramicref":null,"img_tile_override_imageref":null,"img_skyscraperref":null,"img_gallery_imageref":null,"credit":"Getty Images","sizes":{"panoramic":{"original":"uploaded_files/image/getty_658617514.jpg","1230x1672":"uploaded_files/image/1230x1672/getty_658617514_396951.jpg","1940x900":"uploaded_files/image/1940x900/getty_658617514_396951.jpg","1270x734":"uploaded_files/image/1270x734/getty_658617514_396951.jpg","0x734":"uploaded_files/image/0x734/getty_658617514_396951.jpg","1150x540":"uploaded_files/image/1150x540/getty_658617514_396951.jpg","970x450":"uploaded_files/image/970x450/getty_658617514_396951.jpg","640x290":"uploaded_files/image/640x290/getty_658617514_396951.jpg","635x367":"uploaded_files/image/635x367/getty_658617514_396951.jpg","0x367":"uploaded_files/image/0x367/getty_658617514_396951.jpg","575x270":"uploaded_files/image/575x270/getty_658617514_396951.jpg","385x240":"uploaded_files/image/385x240/getty_658617514_396951.jpg","336x336":"uploaded_files/image/336x336/getty_658617514_396951.jpg","300x520":"uploaded_files/image/300x520/getty_658617514_396951.jpg","300x200":"uploaded_files/image/300x200/getty_658617514_396951.jpg","284x160":"uploaded_files/image/284x160/getty_658617514_396951.jpg","155x90":"uploaded_files/image/155x90/getty_658617514_396951.jpg","100x100":"uploaded_files/image/100x100/getty_658617514_396951.jpg","50x50":"uploaded_files/image/50x50/getty_658617514_396951.jpg"}}}],"formatted_text":"

Study after study shows that people who have & nbsp;good relations& nbsp; - especially with their & nbsp; spouse or a significant relative - are more likely to achieve happiness.

not

But what if there was one attribute that could predict whether the relationships would be good enough - and if the people who would be there would eventually be happy or frustrated?

not

Now, a large-scale research project (described by the university that sponsored it as "the most comprehensive study" on the happiness of married couples to date) indicates that only one symbol is actually a unique feature.

not

This is more important than all the other things we often think in relationships - greater than compatibility, growth, sexual attraction, intelligence, wisdom or values. & Nbsp; The unique attribute? Kindignation.

not

Here's the study - more what to do if you're already in a relationship, but that does not seem to have the level of "kindness" that you may realize.

not

5 small questions

not

Write in the Personality Research JournalBill Chopik, associate professor of psychology and director of Michigan State University's Close Relations Laboratory, explained how he had screened data from 2,500 long-term married couples (over 20 years old) to understand it. & Nbsp;

not

His data source included self-reported responses that couples had given to the following five questions, which were then used to assess their degree of fitness on five dimensions:

not

    t

  1. Extroversion. ("I am sociable and sociable.")
  2. t

  3. Kindness. ("I am considerate and kind to almost everyone.")
  4. t

  5. Consciousness. ("I do a meticulous job.")
  6. t

  7. emotional stability. ("I'm worried a lot.")
  8. t

  9. Opening at experience. ("I am original and come with new ideas.")

not

Chopik indicated that, overall, couples reporting higher rates of approval& nbsp; (# 2) and lower levels of emotional instability& nbsp; (# 4) also reported being happier with their relationships.

not

Surprisingly for his team, Chopik, other questions about couples having common interests or personalities do not have much effect on happiness. (So ​​much for dating apps that promise to find "compatible" matches!)

not

"People are investing a lot in the search for a compatible person, but our research indicates that it may not be the" end in itself, all-in-one, "Chopik. has explained. "Instead, people may want to ask," Are they a nice person? "Do they have a lot of anxiety?" These things matter a lot more. "

not

Offers of attention

not

Good to know, right? And maybe if you are in a couple or looking for a partner, you can rank the following advice: Pleasure and stability are important, as well as all the other attributes that you find attractive.

not

But what if you are already in a marriage or other serious relationship? And if, when you evaluate things honestly, do you realize that you and your partner do not live up to the standard of kindness and pleasure?

not

This is beyond the scope of Chopik's work, but fortunately there are many other sources of assistance and inspiration. I immediately point to the work of psychologists Julie and John Gottmanfor example, a husband and wife team who spent years studying the same question.

not

The Gottmans & nbsp; argue that the rRelationships are composed of an infinite number of small interactions, and between couples, most of the & nbsp;the interactions can be considered as "requests for attention" intended to inspire "micro-behaviors".

not

    t

  • Couples "seek attention" all the time: when they start a conversation, when they turn to intimacy and when they propose ideas or ask for opinions.
  • t

  • And every attempt at attention is therefore an invitation to "visit", that is, to respond with warmth and interest, which in practice means active listening and empathy.

not

When you list your interactions in this way, it becomes clear that many of us have work to do in our relationships. A Formed by Gottman A psychologist estimates that happy couples "surrender" 86% of the time, while miserable couples do so about a third of the time.

not

I know it sounds simple. This is - although it is not always easy to do in practice. But it's a good three-point plan to try to stay ahead of the game.

not

    t

  • Step 1: Listen to the offers carefully and try to go. Respond to your partner with interest.
  • t

  • Step 2: If you can not go - no one can do it all the time; otherwise, we would not have time to do anything else - make it clear that you want it. ("I'm interested to hear, darling, & nbsp; but can we talk about it later?")
  • t

  • Step 3: When you make a mistake, you'll realize, excuse us. & Nbsp;

not

In the end, how do you call someone who is careful, does he like that, does he let you know that he cares about you and apologizes when he is wrong? ?

not

I think we call this person "nice" or "nice".

not

And maybe if Chopik and his team are right, it would seem that we also call them a person in a happy relationship.

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