"I understand," it's usually my boyfriend's answer when I tell all the things that make me anxious.
It is usually in the heart of my heart that springs from my chest and my mind goes through my thoughts as if I were running a marathon.I tend to return this answer becausewhen you have anxietyyou have the impression that no one can really, really, get it.
However, when my partner says it, he really thinks it.
He is worried too.He feels it in different ways and at different times, but after a while together, I learned that he really understood.
My ex-boyfriend was angry at me because I felt anxious.When we were together, I thought it was good to have a partner who does not suffer from anxiety.I soon realized that maybe it was true, but not with him.He had never understood why, sometimes, I did not want to leave my house and what I felt when I felt anxious. Once, when I had a panic attack in the car, he said that I was dramatic.He really did not understand.
This experience made me feel that anxiety was something to hide. I was ashamed.
Most menI datedI did not know that I would leave their house to have a panic attack in my car before going home.I found my anxiety attacks unattractive, so I would let people talk about this part of myself only if I thought I understood what I was going through. AnxietyAffects 40 million adultsat U.S.So it's more common than my dating story suggests.
Person I met did not understand until I met Noah *.In one way or another, I have never had the impression of having to hide a part of myself from it.Of course, I was slow to reveal how much anxiety could be debilitating for me – until everything was revealed on our first trip together.He invited me to a weekend in the mountains at one of his friends.We were with a group of about ten people who all knew each other at the university.For them, it was a meeting.For me, this weekend has been marked by insecurity and deep social anxiety.
I had to withdraw several times over the weekend to pick me up. I would not have a panic attack in front of all the new people I had met.
At the time, my boyfriend did not know how bad I felt, but I did not want to tell him either because it was the worst time.There was not even a mobile phone service and I felt really trapped.When we got home, I told him everything I had felt all weekend.And to my surprise, he was supportive.I was surprised because I had never encountered this kind of response.Since then, we have opened an honest dialogue about how we feel.This is a great way for couples to deal with anxiety together.
"Having candid discussions about what they feel and validating these feelings is paramount,"according to therapist Daryl Cioffi.
When I'm anxious, my first instinct is to run.Literally.Once, I ran away from my ex-boyfriend in a mall because I could not even be next to him.After running, I isolate myself because I do not want people to know all the negative things I feel.But Noah does not let me run.He's waiting for me to be ready and do not leave.
The fact is that being in a relationship is much harder than being singlewith anxiety.
When I was single, I could be miserable alone.I could avoid situations where I knew I would be triggered and carefully choose where to spend my time.I could easily never leave my comfort zone because no one was there to show me how I fought myself.Partners act as a mirror.When I started going out with my boyfriend, he introduced me to new music, new places and new people.When we began to reconcile our lives, I began to find myself often in a new territory.I take on more challenges and take advantage of it.Getting me out of my comfort zone has been easier with someone from my corner who will be there if I start to feel uncomfortable.
He sometimes feels the same, even in familiar situations.When we were traveling to visit his best friend, he had an anxiety attack in the car.He was able to talk about what he was feeling with me and I helped calm him down.He does the same thing for me when I panic.
We get along well and I do not think that would be possible if we do not both deal with similar problems.
Anxiety is experienced very differently, but we can help each other in ways that I have never experienced before.
The only time our common anxiety problems have had a negative effect is when we feed on each other's energy.If he feels anxious, I sometimes start feeling it myself, even if I have no reason to do it.It is not often that we feel it at the same time.
I am grateful to be able to count on someone I can count on.Being able to express myself on this part of myself and help my partner in his struggles only made our relationship stronger.It's comforting to have someone in my corner who "understands".
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This story by Gabrielle Sorto was originally published on Ravishly, a feminist website devoted to news and culture. follow us on Twitter & Facebook and discover these related stories:
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