A stone executioner against a moaning bear: the UK's song choices for Eurovision | Television and radio

IIt's less than 100 days before the Eurovision Song Contest in Tel Aviv in May, and the liveliest of you may have noticed that the UK does not have a song yet for Europe. Or you may have been distracted by other things that we do not have, such as a functioning government or a vision for the future that does not involve a critical shortage of pesto.

The British live selection is on BBC2 tonight, with a new twist: this year, three songs are in selection, each performed by two artists so that the audience and the jury can choose the best version of the best song.

That sounds good on paper and, in all fairness, we really can not do worse than in recent years – the UK has not disrupted the top half of the Grand Final since Blue sang I Can in can notprobably because we continue to send three-minute yawns to a contest that dropped naff novelty tunes in favor of ultra-polished performances years ago. Unfortunately, the BBC selection criteria seem to be "probably not the last", a bar so low that you would need a limbo training to navigate there.

So who are the runners and runners of this year, and are some of the songs likely to tickle the fantasies of Europe? SPOILER ALERT: NO. But let's go anyway; it's more fun than storing chickpeas.

Song one: bigger than us

Artist One: Michael Rice

This piano ballad has an essential change so vast and old that you can pour it into a saucepan and call it melted. Songs with significant change rarely succeed in Eurovision, unless they are amazing in every respect. Unless Rice has the chance to put herself on the stage, that's absolutely not the case.

Artist Two: Holly Tandy

Holly gave Bigger Than Us a feeling of country stomping, replacing the piano with a guitar and giving up the monster key change for a battery failure. I much prefer this: with some percussion and Holly transforming a mbadive wind, I could imagine the crowd having fun.

Second song: Freaks

Artist One: Jordan Clarke

This song lost me to the unpardonable use of the word "soccer" in the second line and hung in the trash when Jordan entered the chorus, which looks like a CBeebies version of Welcome to the Black Parade from My Chemical Romance. The only hope in this sense is that Jordan's performances are also rave, in which case I could participate.

Artist two: MAID

The second version of Freaks is sung by the girls trio, MAID, who looks strangely spooky. This version is accompanied by plinky plinky sound effects and the background moan of a dying bear. I can only conclude that this song has been included to make the other two more attractive; it's the musical equivalent of the cheapest bottle of wine on the menu. We should never talk about it again.

Third song: Sweet Lies

Artist One: Kerrie-Anne

Oh, thank goodness, it's a banger playing with his hands in the air. Every Eurovision needs a huge dancefloor anthem, and I'm not upset by the fact that it sounds like it was shipped from 1994, with no excuse for being 25 years behind. The shirtless dancers are summoned by Kerrie-Anne in a fog of glitter. Count on me.

Artist two: Anisa

There are a lot of things you could have done with such an uplifting song, ranging from a drum remix to soaring to a huge rock anthem. What we did not need at all was a deconstruction of John Lewis Maudlin. NOPE.

So who will represent the UK at Eurovision this year? The comment box is open for your thoughtful thoughts and constructive contributions, and Eurovision: it's up to you to decide on BBC2 tonight at 19:30. Enjoy.