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Needless to say, we are all sorry for dad's sudden death and the way we have to deal with mom. She seems to be totally negative, although some of her repeated questions may be due to occasional short-term memory loss. How can we help it with this shock and sorrow? – VB.
Dear VB, My sincere condolences to all your family. It's hard for you to focus on your mother's grief while you are dealing with your mother, but you are sensitive to what she is going through, which speaks volumes about you.
Since you mentioned that your mother was at the beginning of Alzheimer's disease, she probably had memory problems – but that does not give the impression that her illness has evolved where she completely forgets something of this magnitude. For this reason, it seems that she is probably going through periods of denial, which would be normal for anyone in such circumstances. I have experienced a similar situation with my own mother and, especially in retrospect, I think the denial rather than the loss of memory explained the origin of her repeated questions about dad's death or not.
ARCHIVE: Read more columns from Minding Our Elders by Carol Bradley Bursack
What can you do? Spend time with your mother. Encourage her to talk about your father and his life in the way that she wants. She has to keep her memories of him and talk to help him do it.
If a person from her religious community could come to her home, the presence of this person could make your father's death more likely for her, or it might just give her comfort, but that does not make her worse, she deserves therefore to be examined.
Plus, you can interest him in doing something he liked in the past or suggest something new. Even taking him on a walk to observe the budding trees of spring could be helpful to his state of mind.
If she has friends who will visit her or take her for coffee, this could also help.
Affirming your mother's sorrow rather than trying to ignore or erase her is important even if it hurts you to see her suffering. In the end, however, nothing can lessen the pain felt by each of you. You will have to cope with the pain as best you can.
As the Alzheimer's disease is progressive, it will eventually become advanced enough to remind her that your father's death seems cruel. At that point, you will have to change your answer to his questions about him, for example: "He's been gone for a while, but you'll see him soon." For now, though, affirming and comforting are reasonable goals. .
Carol Bradley Bursack is a veteran caregiver and established columnist. She is also a blogger and the author of "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Tell Their Own Stories". Bradley Bursack hosts a website for caregivers and seniors at www.mindingourelders.com. She can be contacted at [email protected].
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