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my anorexia The first time I was 11 years old. I struggled to varying degrees with the disease, but one thing was relatively constant: I did not have my period.
Because of my eating disorders, I had been amenorrheic (that is, you did not have your period) for most of my adult life, so my pregnancy never seemed realistic. That's because if you do not have your period, there's a good chance you're not ovulating either, so I thought I could not conceive without some intervention.
But I always knew that I wanted children – two – so when I got married and in my thirties, at a more solid time of my recovery but still with no rules, I knew that it was time to start studying my options.
I started working with a fertility doctor, who asked me to consult a psychiatrist considering my history of eating disorder. It was not the first time I saw a therapist for my eating disorder, I saw it intermittently over the years. But at that moment, I considered myself pretty stable. I certainly was not a prey to my anorexia, nor in the last five years. The reality, however, is that a eating disorder never really disappears and recovery is not black and white, so working with a psychiatrist makes sense once and now.
I remember that this required psychological badessment was nice. I explained why I could gain weight if I became pregnant. It seemed so easy to handle, so problematic – even though, in retrospect, I probably felt the same because I started the conversation always baduming that a pregnancy would never happen to me.
After obtaining the psychiatrist's endorsement, my doctor even prescribed a fertility drug treatment, which essentially helped stimulate ovulation, as well as supporting and maintaining a pregnancy. early. We did eight months of failed cycles, which consisted of taking medication and timing bad during the ovulation window (very romantic), and then taking more medication. At that time, I was fully convinced that the pregnancy was not planned for me.
Then, in August, when a big day was heavy, I received the call: I was pregnant. In my eyes, the impossible had happened. I was delighted. But it was time to take on another challenge.
I am 22 weeks pregnant and am still recovering from my eating disorder.
When I became pregnant, I would have described myself as "in remission" – although that does not mean much, because eating disorders never completely disappear. Indeed, the presence of my anorexia during my pregnancy is undeniable: I can not help but compare my pregnancy weight to the figures in the recommended weight tables. I prefer to avoid mirrors and my profile reflection for fear of the thoughts it could trigger.
I feel pulled in two directions, one being the tyrannical voice of my eating disorder and the other the desire to keep my baby healthy.
Strangely, I often have the impression that my pregnancy has made everyone else forget about my fight against the disease. They seem to believe that, now that I'm pregnant, anorexia must be completely gone, the prospect of a motherhood so devouring and magical that it dispels the thoughts and behaviors that have guided me for decades.
Friends who saw me hospitalized many years ago are now making informal comments about my belly. loved ones who used to check with me how my mental affairs stopped; Doctors who know my story are happy to report my weight gain. They have no malicious intent, I know. But this is still happening.
To be completely transparent, my eating disorder behaviors have not completely disappeared, although they have decreased in frequency and severity, and I am always open about it with my doctor. Now that I'm pregnant, they come out in a strange and sometimes conflicting way. For example, I like to check the app that gives me the size of my baby every week compared to a fruit, but the idea of wearing maternity pants creates a flood of negative reflections on my anorexia. I give myself permission to eat when I'm hungry – I feel comforted by the fact that this food is destined for a different being, and not for myself – but I still find myself following each calorie. I love to put my hand on the hard, round lump of my lower stomach while I'm in bed, but I recoil when I glimpse my belly in a reflection.
Sometimes I feel deprived of the usual joy that most people experience during their pregnancy. For example, I sent a video of myself scanning my mother so she could hear the baby's heartbeat. In her enthusiastic response, she commented on how much I had looked "nicely rounded". All I could understand was the word "rounded" and how it sounded, and how disgusting it was to me. When the doctor told us that the baby was three days early, I could not help but think it meant that I had to let go.
I know that these thoughts are harmful and backward; I know, in part of my brain, that my growing belly is amazing, that the love that I already feel for the uncomfortable little girl in me is stronger and much more important than my desire to be smaller. But in another part of my brain, these thoughts persist, showing how much a eating disorder can have a tremendous influence on how you perceive reality.
Years ago, I remember talking to a therapist about my ability to gain enough weight to have a child one day and be surprised by her response: she reminded me that this weight gain that I Would have before and during pregnancy could, in theory, be temporary. Of course, she did not suggest my relapse, but she pointed out that considering my weight gain as temporary, the process of pregnancy might seem much easier to manage. On the other hand, she says, I could also gain weight, get used to it and find that everything is fine.
The fact is that I can not know for sure how my body will change, nor how I will react to these changes. Although it may seem a bit unconventional, this perspective helped me in the moments when I felt most vulnerable.
When I approached eating disorder specialists while I was working on this piece, they confirmed that getting pregnant with an active eating disorder or sleeping is a complicated experience .
"Anorexic people who become pregnant often have a hard time feeling that the body they are trying to" stay in "or reduce their size suddenly feels out of control," said psychologist Ashley Solomon , Psy.D., Regional Director of Food Recovery Center in Ohio, says SELF. This concerns of course the weight gain, but also the other effects of pregnancy on the body of the person: shortness of breath, nausea, hunger that you can not ignore, insomnia. "For a woman who is already in conflict with her body, the feeling of being a stranger and working against it can intensify," says Solomon.
Another expert says that my experience is one of the many ways that people with a history of eating disorders have a pregnancy. A different reaction, although just as common, is almost a feeling of freedom from eating disorder, even if it is not quite what it is: "Sometimes, women perceive pregnancy as a permission to grow, "Ariane Machin, Ph.D. founder of the Collective Coaching Collective, says SELF. The symptoms of the eating disorder may become less intense for these people, but that does not necessarily mean that disordered thoughts have disappeared: after all, giving oneself the "permission" to get fat is still an unhealthy way of thinking about food and your body, and it certainly will not mean that you are "cured" once the pregnancy is over. This is all the more true as this permission is generally conditional – it only exists because the food is intended for a different human; once that human is gone, permission to eat is too.
Knowing how you are going to react – fear, ambivalence, anger, or suddenly free of a tyrannical disease, perhaps – is impossible to predict until you are at the moment. For me, at least, I feel all these things many times in one day.
To cope with these unpredictable challenges, experts ultimately recommend seeking support whenever possible.
It means being totally transparent about how you feel with your doctor. "Do not give Sugcoat, and make sure you offer a complete picture," says Solomon. She also recommends working with a dietitian, who can help you understand and respond objectively to your new nutritional needs.
Machin recommends a regular mental health professional working with people recovering from an emergency, noting that "if a woman feels vulnerable and has excessive ideas about food, exercise or maintaining a certain type of body, it's an amazing time looking for help via a therapy or a coach. Solomon agrees, adding that group therapy can also be "extremely useful" for building relationships with other people who are experiencing similar experiences. Individual and / or group therapy can also help you identify the coping mechanisms and strategies that work best for you, since what helps a person recovering is not necessarily which works best for another.
Being attentive and present throughout the process, good and bad, can also be a useful adaptation mechanism. Writing (like this essay) can even potentially help to "bring calm and awareness," says Machin. It can be therapeutic when recovering people write, talk or read about their illness and their journey, she says. Karla Mosely, Ambbadador of National Association of Eating Disorders (NEDA), also tells SELF that it is helpful to focus and remember regularly the reason Behind all your bodily changes: "Know that joy is beyond belief on the other side of isolation," she says.
I may have considered myself recovering when I became pregnant, but this new chapter confirmed that my anorexia may continue to appear as I face new challenges and enter new phases of my life. And with each reappearance, I have to find ways to handle the last event.
Recently, I reconnected with my former dietitian and disclosed to all my doctors my history of eating disorder. I do my best to open my husband in difficult times. When I feel unhappy or ashamed of my body, I put my hand on my stomach and wait to feel his kick; when I feel an unhealthy strain working, I think of his breathing, his heartbeat. Even while writing these words, I hope to elicit the feeling of calm described by Machin.
Nevertheless, even with all these tactics, I kept these words of my therapist in my back pocket and they rebadured me during difficult times. But as my baby becomes more realistic to me, the idea of going back to my old habits after pregnancy becomes a lot less comforting or seductive.
My eating disorders have not disappeared with my pregnancy. And this reality is perhaps the reason why I felt so forced to be brutal and honest about this experience.
It's true that pregnancy defines me in many ways these days, it has changed me. But it is also true that it does not cure the psychological conditions that come and go. Many people still face forms of mental illness – eating disorders, depression, addiction trends or other mental health issues – and their recovery process while continuing their journey towards parenthood.
This general denial that these problems can not coexist with pregnancy can make people like me feel more alone. I hope that over time we will learn to recognize the pregnant person as a whole, an imperfect person, facing his own obstacles, just as before becoming pregnant.
But in the meantime, I'm looking for ways to maintain my physical and mental health. If my guilt overwhelms me, I read updates on my baby's development in my pregnancy application. If wearing my clothes makes me uncomfortable, I think of the little button on the sonogram, the perfect baby curled up under the zipper of my jeans. If I have a moment when I miss my old body, I remember that this new body is used for something.
And when I feel a little kick, a hiccup below my belly button, I know that despite the challenges ahead and those who are waiting for us, one thing I'm do not is alone.
If you or someone you love is struggling to combat eating disorders, contact the National Association of Eating Disorders (United States), call (800) 931-2237 or National Information Center on Eating Disorders (Canada) at (866) 633-4220.
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