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I've always thought that I was naturally a low energy person who needed a lot of rest. Motivation was hard to come by and even basic tasks like wiping the bathroom sink, doing an armful of laundry, or cooking a simple meal often seemed overwhelming.
Finally, I began to think that my lethargy could be a sign of depression. But I resisted seeing a therapist because I was terrified at the thought that my mental illness would define me if I gave it a name. So, when I met Paul * at the age of 21, I tried to keep my alleged depression secret. At first, the rush of being in a new relationship allowed me to easily hide my symptoms. But with time, it became more and more difficult to put a happy face.
The facade really started to collapse when we moved in together six months after the start of our relationship. All I wanted to do was sleep, and I had no interest in doing everyday things like going out to eat, going for walks or going to the gym.
I knew I was boring and Paul was starting to feel lonely, but I was always afraid to tell him that I could be depressed. I knew that he would not dismiss me about it, but I was afraid that he would not consider me a burden or think that I make excuses for being lazy.
"I could not get up in the morning, was late for work and started crying for trivial things."
Then things started to get really bad. I could not get up in the morning, I let myself go to work and started crying for insignificant things such as spilling a glbad of water. One day we quarreled because I had not left home for almost a week. I finally broke down and said, "I think I'm really sick."
I talked to Paul about my presumed depression – and trying to hide my symptoms was mainly my attempt to convince myself that nothing was wrong. Paul wanted to support me as he could. But he said that for our relationship to work, I needed help. He telephoned for me and brought me to a psychiatrist, which I am very grateful for. At this point, I do not think I would have the emotional strength to do it myself. Knowing that I was not alone in this battle made all the difference.
"I started to realize that having depression was not a shame."
My psychiatrist diagnosed me with depression and prescribed medication. Paul helped me stay on track and remembered to take my meds and even offered to come with me to my appointments. As the mental fog disappeared, everyday basic functioning became easier and easier.
I've started making important achievements, like the fact that we should not be ashamed of depression. It has given me the strength to talk about my condition to my friends and family and start building a support network. None of this would have happened without Paul by my side.
Life was not suddenly perfect, of course. There were still times when leaving the house was starting to be difficult. But Paul would recognize this as a symptom of my depression and try to help me out of it. If I resisted, he would give me a tough love by telling me, "No, sorry, you have to go out of the house today," and push me to spend time with friends or to make friends. exercise.
It might not work for everyone, but Paul knew that social interaction and training were crucial to my mental health. In the end, these nudges were reminders that he believed in me – and they helped me to believe in myself.
Paul and I broke up at the age of 23 for reasons unrelated to my depression, but opening up to him was the catalyst that helped control my condition. Now, at 26, I still have difficult days, but my depression is so much better than it was. I love my job as an editor for a Brazilian jiu-jitsu website and I even have the energy to do freelance writing in parallel.
"To say my depression to my current partner was as simple as telling him my middle name."
The best of all? I know that having a mental illness does not define me as a person and I can talk openly about my illness. To tell my current partner about my depression was as simple as telling her my middle name. And when he asks what he can do to help, I can give him concrete answers instead of just shrugging his shoulders.
Talking about my depression for the first time was not easy, but it was worth it. If you are having the same problem, find a time when you can sit down with your partner, a close friend, or a family member to share what you are going through. Communication is crucial to the health of any relationship. But, more importantly, it may be what you need to revive your healing process.
* Not his real name
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