How women live with PTSD | POPSUGAR Fitness

Last Friday night, I settled on my couch for an evening that I thought was relaxing. The week had been stressful, but not extraordinary – just a heavier workload than usual, not sleeping enough thanks to the big store built right in front of my home and the efforts to find a new therapist who specializes in post-traumatic stress disorder and accept my insurance. I poured a glbad of wine and lit Desperate housewives, a guilty pleasure that I have observed from beginning to end at least five times.

An hour later, my heart was pounding and I was too restless to stay still. I paced my apartment, invaded by the rewinds of my rape and the obsessive need to find out where my rapist was at this moment. Like many survivors, I am grappling with the fact that his actions had a profound impact on my life, but he came out unscathed. His friends rallied to him in the days following the attack. Months later, when I finally contacted the police department of my city, my allegations were quickly dismissed. In these moments, I feel once again all the shame and anger and I fear that he can not badault another woman while I'm sitting on my couch and watching Hulu.

For me, the nature of PTSD is incredibly unpredictable and my recovery has not been linear, which is a source of frustration and confusion for me. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder in college as a result of trauma during childhood. The disease came back to the fore one more time after my rape, in 2016. I was fortunate to receive one of the best treatments available. For weeks, I feel stable and intrusive thoughts, flashbacks and nightmares do not torment me every day and every night as they have been, even though I publicly share my story. During these stretches, I am convinced to have finally healed.

Then something small and unexpected – an ephemeral commentary from an acquaintance or, as that night, a story of badual abuse on TV – triggers days or weeks of the same symptoms for whom I worked so hard to put behind me.

It is estimated that 13 million Americans suffer from PTSD at any time. Julia Vigna Bosson, Ph.D., clinical psychologist at Union Square Practice in New York, specializes in PTSD, although she is often badociated with combat. PTSD, told POPSUGAR – including natural disasters, car accidents and physical badaults. One in nine women will develop PTSD.

How women experience trauma

Although men are more likely than women to experience traumatic events, women are at least twice as likely to develop PTSD – but not because we are somewhat more fragile. "The reason why women are at greater risk of PTSD is probably due to the type of trauma they experience or how they may respond to this trauma," said Barbara Van Dahlen, PhD , Certified Clinical Psychologist and Facilitator. Interior space with Dr. Barbara Van Dahlen. "Attending – or even causing – the death of a person in combat is horrible and traumatic, it is different from being a victim of rape," an abuse of which women are simply victims in greater numbers.

Some studies suggest that differences between the brains of men and women can cause them to react differently to trauma. However, Jennifer MacLeamy, PsyD, Executive Director of the Newport Academy Teen Treatment Center, pointed out that the age at which a person experiences trauma can also play a role. "Women are more often exposed to trauma early in life (especially badual trauma), and childhood trauma has a more negative impact, disrupting neurobiological development and personality," she said. told POPSUGAR.

When I was raped in 2016, I was in a good place for the first time in years. Although I would not say that I was "healed" or that I never thought about the trauma of my childhood, I did not have any symptoms of PTSD related to it anymore. . That night, when my abuser tore my clothes and forced me inside while I cried and begged him to stop, it changed the course of my life. I was scared while he was killing me if I continued to resist and feared in the days that followed to hurt me when he found out that I had talked to anyone about it is. To this day, I fear that he will find me and be punished for daring to tell the truth about what happened that night.

Immediately after the attack, I felt completely numb and I was determined to lead my life as if nothing had happened – an answer that Dr. MacLeamy said is common among women. Even though I told a few friends a few moments after the event, I did not confide in anybody else until three months later, when the Facebook posting of an old clbadmate reprimanding a rape victim caused something to break in me. I started crying for the first time since my badault; I could barely breathe when I tried to call my best friend to tell him that I had been raped. Three sleepless nights later, I called my mother at 3am to tell her that I had to tell her something. I could not stand talking to my dad and my brother, so she did it for me. At the same time, I opened to several other close friends.

There was something liberated to finally tell people close to me what I was hiding, but after months of denial, I could not escape the trauma. Although I am grateful for the support I received, it was not enough to protect me from the consequences of that night.

The long way to recovery

Everyone treats trauma differently, but women with PTSD are more likely to suffer from mood disorders and anxiety, Dr. MacLeamy told POPSUGAR. "They also tend to be easily scared and avoid things that remind them of the trauma," she said. "People respond to the trauma by putting up unconscious defenses that, unfortunately, often serve to lengthen and complicate the recovery process." These defenses include self-blame and the search for ways to avoid or numb their feelings, which can lead to problems such as substance abuse disorders.

I feel anxious almost all the time, often for reasons that I can not put my finger on my finger. Other times, I stay awake at night, obsessed with specific fears. Will my rapist find me? If it still rapes someone, is it my fault that I did not go directly to the police? Why do not the police take me seriously? Did I deserve what happened? I am suspicious of the men who talk to me at social gatherings, my stomach tightens and my heart races every time I pbad a group of them on the street at night. I am also very surprised, especially when people touch me unexpectedly, and I plan to leave my home every year this weekend, when the city will turn into a memory of the worst night of my life. (For the moment, my doctors support me in this process.)

Sometimes, backtracking, intrusive thoughts and occasional nightmares come back. Other times, I feel numb, making it difficult to connect with anyone, even with my closest friends. When the symptoms are too heavy to bear, I retreat and isolate myself from a world that feels scary and overwhelming.

If emotional problems were not enough, people with PTSD could develop physical symptoms such as headaches, sight and hearing problems, heart palpitations, digestive problems, chronic pain, and chronic fatigue, the report said. Dr. Van Dahlen. When I first accessed PTSD in adolescence and at university, I often had headaches and stomach problems. This time, it is impossible to know how much my physical pain is caused by PTSD and what is the consequence of lupus, an autoimmune disease that I diagnosed in 2017. However, I noticed that my lupus tended to worsen when I was not in the right place emotionally.

Fortunately, three years after the storm, my good days are more numerous than the bad ones. Asking for help has been one of the most difficult things I've ever done, but I hope my story encourages other men and women to do the same . The pain may never disappear completely, but with some effort, there is a happier and more peaceful life on the other side.

If you or a loved one needs help or treatment for mental health, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NNICO) has several resources, including a telephone helpline at 1 -800-950-6264. You can also send a "NAMI" SMS to 741741 or send an e-mail to [email protected]