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The situation is increasingly grim in Salt Lake City. I would be remiss if I didn’t take a second to acknowledge that the same Sara who struggled to chop an apple while giving Whitney terrible advice in last week’s episode has been confirmed to be in the Capitol l ‘other day. I don’t have any comments that fit in my word count beyond “fucking fucking fucking absolute”. And that’s just what happens outside of the show. A less nefarious flavor of Bravo’s darkness also seems to be tightening its claws on RHOSLC. You know what I’m talking about – when the wives split into two factions and the whole drama quickly turns into a “she said you said grandpa’s housekeeper cousin said …” free for all.
Whitney didn’t slip into the ocean of Top Golf’s White House in an attempt to put this show on the road so we’re still stuck in the same loop she says. It’s too early in this potential franchise gold mine for that to happen! Bring men for Heather! Spin-off the most excited members of Shah Squad in a Vanderpump Rules-esque frolics! Really give us all that isn’t Q-Anon’s neighbor women looking for their Restylane as they repeat the same hearsay for six consecutive episodes! Whatever! The bar is so low!
But that won’t happen this week. We’ve seen the previews, and Jen’s no-makeup face is ripe and ready for a lot of the same drama, with Chekhov’s proverbial pistol lurking in his cold, dark room. Really hoping it’s a ‘it’s always the darkest before dawn’ kind of thing.
Either way, Whitney and Heather sit down with a reel of ribbon and the Red Hots to make sure each other that Whitney’s efforts have not been in vain. Whitney insists she had good intentions and getting everyone involved was the reason it was such an epic failure. Heather is like lol k then brings a little more astute analysis of the situation, particularly that Jen’s lack of anger towards Lisa and Meredith perhaps suggests she is looking to secure her place in Utah’s upper echelon by taking further entrenchment. with those brown binoculars. This is a solid assumption. And maybe why Whitney and Heather make a cowardly plan to talk to Jen more. What could go wrong?
Meanwhile, Meredith and Lisa take their husbands perspective on what happened at Sharrieff’s party because we kind of have to fill that episode. Seth says he “can’t even figure it out” in hopes that the conversation will end before Meredith is too exhausted for the set of glasses he has on the menu. As Lisa goes wild over Whitney’s dance and how if she had been Jen she would have thrown the glass too, John says absolutely nothing. During his three-day productivity checks, he received comments that it is not wise to verbally challenge your supervisor in any way. The key to both a 1.5% merit increase and an eternal marriage is silence!
About the hit show A&E Grabbers, Mary plays dress-up with her cousin-housekeeper, Charlinda. Outside of Bonkers’ finances, I remain confused about the logistics of the Cosby Empire. If Mary really has the money for “five houses,” why can’t she afford to call these ladies from The house edit to really do it? Or at least spring for a custom IKEA wardrobe system to create some semblance of order in the Saks Off Fifth fulfillment center she calls a bedroom? But again, it’s me trying to apply deadly logic to Mrs. Cosby – an unsuccessful exercise. As Charlinda gets up to do surgery on a belt stuck around Mary’s torso, Whitney calls to report that her birthday party mission hasn’t gone exactly as planned. Mary says that even she wouldn’t have chosen Sharrieff’s party as her place to talk, but Whitney should call Jen to discuss it further and pray for her. Maybe these prayers would be better suited for asking God for the opportunity to film a scene anywhere outside of his bedroom closet, but I’m not the one with a church empire so what do I know? ?
To really stretch our brains beyond their limits, Bravo sends Meredith and Lisa (and their respective husbands) on a double date to eat burrata while wearing matching outfits. I’d say I have above average brown facial recognition abilities, and between Balmain blazers, doppelgänger mannerisms, and nearly identical moral horses, this was a real doozy for my gooey brain. Either way, Meredith’s big news isn’t big news at all: she and Seth are officially back together. The real big news is that Lisa slips the ten dollar word “sophomoric” into a casual conversation to describe Whitney. Could she study for LSAT !? Higher education actually seems like the choice of someone with a large sum of money and a masochistic love of work. Plus, maybe she’ll get a power bob and start wearing glasses to differentiate herself more from Meredith? We can only hope.
Finally, the time has come to see the thermal baths collapse that has been teased for the past two months. Whitney, sober and armed with the genuinely solid mediation skills she’s learned from years of dealing with her father, plans a four-hour Zen retreat in the middle of nowhere so Jen can’t run away. The feeling is great, but girl, the execution! Jen has at least five assistants and a full-time glamor team, so the vibe you’re looking for isn’t “free kids camp with purchase of four (4) essential oils”. But they got this far, so Jen climbs a hill, keeps her shoes in the tub, then yells a lot that it’s all their fault her marriage is on the rocks before threatening to drown Whitney, making a big splash on the cameras and storm.
Completely disheartened by the death threats, Whitney and Heather convince Jen to return to the tub before Heather becomes vulnerable. She explains that she is afraid that Jen cares more about continuing the Lisa / Meredith influence than their friendship and that she is terrified of losing her and that she is afraid to come to Jen after a lifetime of post-honest abandonment. They all make up, and Jen assures the girls that they can talk to her about anything (yeah, sure, okay). As the “Who’s Afraid of Jen Shah?” the case is closed, the larger question remains: “What does Jen look like off camera?” Heather appears to be a very good judge of character, and if she is to be friends there must be some redeeming qualities. Fingers crossed, we can see more of this and less of everything Jen brings to the table in the future.
In the meantime, Lisa has taken it upon herself to host a Vida Tequila influence event / season two “friend-of” casting mitt combination. She invites a group of “powerful women who don’t throw glasses or punches” to drive their G-Wagons into a yurt for a dinner sponsored by the GIRL POWER Barlow brand. They live, they laugh, they love, and I can’t wait to do investigative journalism on Ashley, Angie, and Vanessa in case they show up in season two (if that even happens). Watch this place.
With minutes remaining, Jen’s no-makeup face is back (is it the same sequence? The timeline makes no sense) to catch up with Sharrieff. They have the most serious conversation Shah Chalet has ever seen, becoming sincere about anger, resentment, self-medication, grief, etc. the exact right things in an ASMR-worthy voice. Maybe he can quit the coaching job and get a gig whispering “I love you, baby, so much.” I love you with all my heart. Forever ”in one of those big, fluffy microphones. If Nick Viall can get the extra bedtime story money back from the Calm app, Sharrieff surely has it in the bag. Someone, anyone, please make this happen, for Jen’s sake and ours. Anyway, see you next week for a GIRLS TRIP TO VEGGAAASSSSS.
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