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WWe can all agree that the restrictions brought on by Covid have reinforced everything we previously took for granted. Some are missed by their loved ones. Some miss the throbbing mass of warm strangers on an unforeseen evening. Me? Turns out I seemingly miss the sight of a massive gorilla hitting a radioactive sea monster right in the middle of its mute face.
I didn’t know that, of course, until I watched the Godzilla vs Kong trailer. On the surface, Godzilla vs Kong is the big highlight of a long-lasting shot; a cinematic universe where we first experience the largest and most iconic creatures in cinematic history, and then we choke in wonder as they train on top of each other. Apparently, to enjoy Godzilla vs. Kong, you’ll have to review and enjoy 2014’s Godzilla, 2017’s Kong: Skull Island, and 2019’s Godzilla: King of the Monsters in quick succession. But you’re not going to do that, because the entire backstory of this movie is completely contained in its three-word title. It’s a King Kong hitting Godzilla movie.
And, honestly, I can’t wait. Not really. In terms of pure cinematic spectacle, the past year has been a total non-starter. I’ve only managed to see two movies in theaters in the past 12 months; one was Proxima, a sad French drama about maternal guilt. And the other was Tenet. Tenet, for shouting out loud. A film that has committed the double sin of being too incomprehensible to stay awake and too noisy to sleep. Tenet was heralded as nothing less than the savior of the theatrical movie experience, which would have been great except for the fact that it wasn’t very good.
Now imagine if Godzilla vs Kong had taken Tenet’s place. Imagine if the cinema’s escape plan had been a movie where a prehistoric 120-meter allegory for nuclear destruction gets the atomic beam fired from its mouth by a gorilla wielding what appears to be an aerial skyscraper like an ax. medieval war. No, really, imagine it. Because I sincerely believe that a film like this would not only have kept theaters open, but forced the coronavirus into a terrified retirement.
I’m exaggerating, but not by much. After the year we’ve all had, watching the Godzilla vs Kong trailer was like getting a massage. It was as if someone had lifted your brain from the top of your scalp and carefully soaked it in a nice hot tub. “I know things have been tough,” he seemed to be saying, “But here’s a movie about two gigantic idiots whaling each other for reasons that aren’t even a little big. No worries here. We have this ”.
Really, they should put this trailer on the Headspace app. There is something so relaxing about how completely, shameless, stupid it is. See King Kong jump out of an exploding boat like he’s auditioning for a 1990’s Steven Seagal movie. Hear Rebecca Hall say, “I promised to protect her, and I think in a way Kong did the same ”. See the photo where someone recorded the newspaper headline “Monarch is puzzled over Godzilla’s motives” on a world map as if it was kind of a clue. To hear the choral eddies stirred on the soundtrack, which recalls Ligeti’s Requiem, and to think “Bog off, it’s a film about a monkey fight”. Everything is perfect.
Granted, the movie itself could be horrible. One might mistakenly assume that people want to see a movie rich in mythology and well-drawn characters, when all everyone wants to see is King Kong punching Godzilla in the mouth for two hours. He could get bogged down in an overly complicated plot, like Godzilla: King of the Monsters did, when all everyone wants to see is King Kong punching Godzilla in the mouth for two hours. It could have identifiable scenes and motivations, when all everyone wants to see is King Kong punching Godzilla in the mouth for two hours. Any of these would be a shame.
Because that’s what cinema is for. These aren’t important character pieces, or even sprawling behemoths. These are stupid, mediocre monster movies released in March like this that you’re only going to see because it’s raining and there’s nothing else. It’s about leaving all of your expectations at the door and still hating it. It is the experience of collectively panting with the realization that someone actually made this garbage. I am not joking. I miss that. And, as such, Godzilla vs Kong got me more excited than any movie I can remember.
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