He always works instead of being a father

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CHER CAROLYN: My husband and I have three children, 10, 8 and 1 years old (a surprise but a blessing). I took a lot of weight during this last pregnancy. I am in my forties and have had difficulty with my pregnancy emotionally.

My husband rejected all my concerns. He basically said to give it back. I think I have a postpartum depression now, but he said it was a year and I had to finish that too.

I am overall healthy but I need to lose some more weight and control my cholesterol. My husband spent last year training for a half Ironman contest. I work full time and I am the one who takes care of children. He also works full time and coaches children's football teams, but also uses this method to train.

I find it just so incredibly selfish. I'm trying desperately to lose that baby weight – I have 10 more people left, then 15 more to regain my usual size – and get my health back on the order of my doctor. He will leave early in the morning for exercise and I do not know at all when he will come back. I often have to prepare camp meals or school meals, prepare children, etc. He sometimes takes them out in the morning when he is back. It's the same thing on the weekends.

I just want to do a 25-minute exercise tape, but he says I should do it while I have a babysitter. We have a babysitter for when I'm at work. I need this time to get to my office and actually work. I also pump twice a day, so time is running out. I often have to work in the evening after the children are asleep and, frankly, I do not like working at night. My job is incredibly stressful too.

Do you have any suggestions? How can I stop crying all the time or be so angry and angry because I'm so frustrated with it? He will not change, so I have to change myself. How can I change myself to stop having this deep resentment towards him? I welcome all the advice.

Frustrated

CHER FRUSTRATED: Well, wait a second. It seems that his need to conquer you has entered your soul.

"How can I change myself to stop having this deep resentment"? Wha?

It's just … no.

No no no.

I have – and I have long helped to preach – all the gospel that you can not turn into another people. But that does not mean you're stuck and that your only choice is to brainwash yourself into thinking that a shit sandwich is caviar.

Our inability to change others means that we all choose from a set of options limited to what we control – but they are nonetheless options.

You can, for example, give you the love, care, support and respect that your husband has not respected. Talk to your doctor, find a compassionate therapist, take your postpartum symptoms seriously, because these are serious things.

You can also make your case clear to your husband: "You go out to train every morning while I do everything I do for the kids, and you do not cover me for a 25-minute video? Treat two legitimate health problems? It's just wrong. If his presiding doctor is to reject your feelings, then have him reject your facts.

Likewise, you can also take note of the hours that he / she trains per week while you are caring for the children. generally ask for the same amount of time per week to meet your needs; believe in your right to have that; defend your territory.

You can stop saying that you have a babysitter for "I am" at work and make it a "we are".

You can wean off, if you are ready.

You can contact people you trust to take care of yourself. Family, friends, simple acquaintances, and even strangers, parents, you will recognize the good ones. These are the people who hear that you are a new mom over 40, torn more than 25 pounds, and say, "Hey, hey. You take care of the world. Be patient with yourself.

You can stop weighing your value on a scale.

You can examine your finances and career prospects and rethink this stressful job.

You can talk to a lawyer.

You have the agency. Use it.

I realize you're burning all your fuel just to get through the days, but even if you have to take a day off work while the babysitter is on, take a break and think really well, and open up. you to the possibility of changing on your terms. Here, over there, in the margins, in the heart of everything, where it is needed.

The universe will say no to some of the things you want from life; it does not mean that you should race to be the first to deprive yourself of all your needs.

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