He does not stop reminding me of my wife's case

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CHER CAROLYN: Once, many years ago, my wife had a brief sexual relationship with one of our friends, then she told me nothing and cut ties with this friend. We went to Therapy and worked on the problems that led to the case and came out with what I believe is a much stronger marriage.

Since then we have had a child, bought a house and adopted pets together. Our connection is strong and we do not plan to break up.

Yet one of my relatives – we see it very often – insists that my wife be treated as a risk of flight. This family member is one of the only people I have confided to after discovering this case, because I thought that we could trust him to help me keep objectivity when we decided what to do about it. Instead, it makes me progressively more difficult to progress emotionally, and whenever we are close to each other, I must experience reminders of this difficult time.

How can I get another person to believe what I believe now, that my marriage is stronger for this affair and that my spouse is not a perverse person who can never be trusted again?

recalled

DEAR RECALLED: The solution is to never "make others believe", but to classify it for present and future use.

Please also accept my condolences. Ensuring that your carefully chosen confidant turns you on is an extra burden where you barely needed it.

But let's go back to the problem "incite another person to": I'm not saying that it's never worth it to specify what you need, to ask someone directly, and then to hope that your message passes. In this case, I am sure you have explained to your parent that your efforts since the case made your marriage stronger and that it was a reasonable step.

But when your parent is insensitive to this information, you have decided to drop your persuasion efforts and move to a "think what you like" approach because only your opinion matters.

Start this phase with the last definitive conversation about it: "You have explained your point of view, dear parent. I am discussing it. Are you willing to look me in the eye and accept, now, to drop this once and for all? Because if it's not the case, I need a Plan B. "

Plan B is a version of getting away from this member of your family, but you do not need to know it yet. you can think about where to draw the line and how to put it into effect, and then update that parent as needed.

But as you've come to realize, you can absolutely, 100%, choose to never talk to this family member again – and you have to choose that to effectively deliver a "drop" message. Hang up, leave the room, answer non-sequentially, but hold on.

A family member: "Let me remind you again of this difficult time."

You: "[the weirder the better]. "

Once you have clearly explained your point of view – "No. Next topic »- Do not hesitate to use non-responses as an opportunity to entertain you, especially if this person is an integral part of your life (like a hard part to avoid).

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