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Dear Amy: Several years ago my husband and I visited his brother and his wife for a vacation. We stayed with them and relied on them for transportation.
One evening we went to dinner. Her brother ordered fried pickles as an appetizer.
My husband told him he had never had one before and reached out for one. His brother slapped his hand and told him he would order his own.
My husband, I and his brother’s wife were in shock.
Because we were staying with them and at their mercy, we didn’t say anything. I tried to pay for our dinner after that, but her brother refused to let us. Nothing more was said.
Since then my husband and I have agreed that if we ever return we will never stay with them.
The problem is, we can’t come to a conclusion on this.
His brother never apologized, nor was he ever lifted between the two brothers again, even though they kept in touch.
Should we be asking for an apology? Should we let him know how much we have been hurt by his actions? We want to visit again, but we don’t know how to overcome this experience.
Disappointed sister in law
Dear disappointed: A lot of people treat their dinners like a freewheeling buffet – what’s mine is up to you – but there are people (and I’m one of them) who are triggered by others taking them by. food, without being invited or asking permission.
What your husband did (“Hmmm, I’ve never had this before; I’m just going to help myself”) was also a very brotherly thing to do, revealing behavior between the two brothers that probably dates back to childhood.
What your brother-in-law did in response was inexcusable.
Everyone’s reaction since then has been inexplicable.
Your husband and his brother have maintained a talking relationship. He’s waiting for an apology that will never come.
Unfortunately, bro-code often suggests that the injured party should just “get over it”, without acknowledgment or apology from the abuser. It’s possible that this twisted ethic actually contributed to the slapping incident, because when people don’t use their words (your husband didn’t ask, his brother didn’t apologize), they tend to to go after them.
If your husband is to overcome this, he will have to be brave enough to talk about it: “Look, this may sound like an old story to you, but it concerns me. This time you slapped me in the restaurant when we visited really shocked me. It still bothers me.
His brother will probably lessen the worry. He could say he doesn’t remember it or categorically deny that it ever happened. Be ready.
Dear Amy: We have family all over the country. On each of their birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas we send checks or gifts and they never say thank you or even acknowledge that they have even received anything.
We have a loving and happy family. It pains me that I never recognized anything, and yet, honestly, I don’t have the courage to stop giving them away.
My husband doesn’t care whether they thank us or not.
I asked him to take charge of the gifts. He says he will. Awesome!
But doesn’t it all come down to the simple fact that they think we “owe” these things to them? We don’t!
What is the way forward? Somewhere between sadness (me) and flippancy (him), there has to be the right answer.
Gifted
Dear gifted: You don’t really know if your loved ones think you “owe” them because they never communicate with you – in any way – about gifts.
If these family members never give you gifts (you didn’t mention it), receiving gifts may actually make them uncomfortable. They might passively try to discourage you from continuing.
You have a loving and happy family. Your family will always be loving and happy whether or not you choose to give gifts. Once you understand this, you will be free to worry about it.
I’m with your husband on this. If it makes you feel good, do it, not out of obligation, but out of pure joy in living out your own generosity.
Dear Amy: “Hate to Ask” was troubled that their mother had left a friend more inheritance than her.
Children often have the right to inheritance, while friends often earn it. Friends can help someone cope with everyday challenges in life, including those brought on by children.
Therefore, a good friend may be more deserving of a bigger inheritance.
A friend indeed
Dear friend: Good point!
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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