How to talk politics without letting things go ugly: NPR

In a deeply divided America, an informal political debate can easily degenerate into conflict, even if both parties pledge to remain civil. So how can we talk about thorny issues with people who are fundamentally at odds with us?

Over the last two months, NPR has traveled the country as part of our Civic Wars series to understand how Americans are working on the idea of ​​civility in times of polarization. During this period, the new Mayor of Charlottesville, Virginia, explained to us why she was suspicious of the very idea of ​​civility; we reported on a rally of political oppositions attempting to narrow the political divide; and we spoke to two Twitter trolls who admit that their online quarrels could be more friendly if they could meet in person. We have often heard the same thing: it is difficult to tell the difference.

As part of the series, we also contacted four people who spent a lot of time thinking about how to have more respectful political conversations. Here is what they told us.

Start the conversation

The first tip of our experts is to choose the right time to speak. Reverend Jennifer Bailey, Founder and Executive Director of Faith Matters Network, an organization that trains leaders and activists to create connected communities, can not force anyone to engage in conversation on a controversial topic. Instead of "asking for a conversation," Bailey recommends "inviting".

It is also important to avoid making instant decisions about people or writing them based on their own background or your own assumptions. Bailey encourages people to "be brave" and to assume that others have good intentions.

Karin Tamerius, a former psychiatrist and founder of Smart Politics, a non-profit organization that teaches progressive activists how to communicate more effectively with politicians, is another piece of advice. "Although you can be well informed on a subject, you do not necessarily have all the answers."

Finally, avoid approaching your conversation with a zero point of view, says Arthur Brooks, president of the American Enterprise Institute, conservative think tank, and author of Love Your Enemies: How Honest People Can They Save America From the Culture of Contempt. As Brooks suggests, do not consider the conversation as a debate about "I win, you lose". On the contrary, consider this as an opportunity to understand the other person and the reasons behind his position, adds Bailey.

Once you speak

Establish common ground as quickly as possible, advise our experts. "It's usually things like values, goals, and emotions that make it possible to find common ground," said Tamerius. You can also discuss things you both like, like family or the outdoors. This will build confidence and allow you to start connecting.

Experts also agree that asking questions is the most important part of the conversation. Tamerius recommends using open and non-judgmental questions.

For example, instead of saying, "How can you possibly neglect all the evidence on climate change?" you might ask, "What experiences shaped your thinking on this issue?"

Also, do not let offensive remarks unintentionally bypass the conversation.

"Do not limit people just because they use a word or two that seems insensitive to you," said Liz Joyner, founder and general manager of Village Square, a non-partisan public education forum.

"You must be aware of the intention behind the word," Joyner said. Think about who's talking and their life experience. "Give people space to explain themselves."

Do not attack either the personal beliefs of anyone, because, as Tamerius explains, we maintain strong emotional ties with him.

"We are ready to defend them," says Tamerius. "Our nervous systems treat attacks on our political beliefs in the same way that they respond to the problems of our physical security.So, if someone attacks my partisan attachments, I will react to roughly the same way [way] I would answer if I was attacked by a lion. "

When speaking, it is helpful to explain how the problem affects you on a personal level. "Facts and figures rarely persuade," Joyner said. Instead, she recommends "to appeal to [others’] better angels rather than their inner statistician ".

If things are not going well, our experts warn against pushing the conversation too far. Tamerius says that you need to monitor your partner's emotional response as well as yours in order to avoid a far-reaching fight.

"Be ready to take off [yourselves] of the conversation before [you] reach a point where you are completely triggered, "she says.If the conversation starts to heat up, try to put things on pause, and do not come back until you're ready.

And if none of you changed your mind at the end of the conversation, that's fine, Joyner says. Do not forget, she says, "your goal is not to agree, it is to disagree and keep talking."