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- Grigory Yakushev was fired from Google six years ago after a sharp drop in productivity.
- He said he thought he had burned out, but later found it to be undiagnosed depression.
- Yakushev said he should have seen a doctor and got help sooner.
I was fired from Google in April 2015, after nearly five years of work in the Zurich, Switzerland office.
I had suffered a burnout about a year before. My productivity dropped: I used to submit about five changes a week to the codebase, and that dropped to once a week on average, on the same project and in the same environment. The graphic looked like it had fallen off a cliff.
I needed to change something. So I changed teams and moved on to semantic research (the RefX team).
It was a mistake. Search is Google’s largest and most complex product, and semantic search (which gives you a direct response to a query instead of links) is one of the smarter teams.
My performance not only failed to recover, but went further on the descent.
At that point, my relationship with the manager and the director also started to deteriorate. They got a new guy on the team, but I didn’t have a lot of work.
My manager’s first instinct was to impose a certain discipline. He made me sit in front of the computer, basically, and he monitored my comings and goings, which made it worse.
In private discussions, I was asked why I wouldn’t just quit. I said I was happy with my Google salary. (It was about $ 180,000 a year at the time.) I figured if Google wasn’t happy with my performance, they might fire me, but I wasn’t going to jump myself.
I was finally put on a performance improvement plan.
A PIP is a formal agreement that defines exactly how much work I was expected to produce in two months.
After a week on PIP, it was pretty obvious to me that I was not going to be successful. I spent my day staring at the screen. I even saw with my inner eye the code I needed to type in, but somehow I couldn’t force myself to do it. I told my manager that there was a good chance that I would not pass the PIP.
I had another discussion with HR and the manager and was told that I could actually be fired for “serious misconduct” which, from what I understood, meant they could. fire me and leave me without unemployment benefits for the first three months due to some delay. (As part of my contract, if I was fired for some other reason, they would have to pay a month’s salary and benefits.)
They gave me notice of termination the following week, before the end of the full two months of the PIP. I returned my equipment and my Google badge, and my manager took me out of the building. It all took about 10 minutes. My Google employee account has been revoked. My manager and I went to a nearby cafe and he even offered me a drink.
I can understand now that maybe my manager was not prepared for this type of situation.
He was a great engineer and a very smart guy. So, of course, he had his first relationship: me. But even an experienced manager would have difficulty dealing with a burnout person.
My contract had a one month notice period, so I was officially employed and received a salary for another month, even though I was not actually working. Google also gave me a stellar reference letter for future employers, without mentioning any of my performance issues.
The whole ordeal was really unpleasant. But I resent the lack of empathy I felt from my company, and I still think his attitude towards me was unnecessary. To be clear, I am not disputing my dismissal, only the way it went. It sucks when you feel like your superiors don’t trust you.
My team, however, was one of the smartest bands I had ever worked with. They were generally great and supported me even though they had no idea what was happening to me.
Looking back, one thing I should have done sooner is see a doctor.
We don’t expect disease to happen to us. Cancer,
Diabetes
, or depression are things that are supposed to happen to other people. But they can happen to anyone, and neither a healthy lifestyle nor perfect genes can provide assurance.
When I finally contacted a doctor, I was quickly diagnosed with depression. I was put on medication and started therapy.
Depression drains our motivation, including the motivation to get a diagnosis. But it’s crucial to begin treatment and recovery. I’ve learned that some symptoms of depression, like low self-esteem or suicidal thoughts, are not usually present with burnout. This was another reason why I did not view my condition as something requiring medical intervention.
It’s been six years since I got fired from Google, and I can say it was definitely a lucky event in my life.
Google is a honey trap in my opinion.
The pay is good. You are surrounded by incredibly intelligent people. There are snacks on hand. And the (generally) low level of bullshit makes it a nice place to stay.
So we stay – and stay, and stay – and submit our 0.1% research quality improvements every two months. (You can’t really go faster than that, because over 4 billion people are constantly using our tool.)
But exhaustion forced me to move and think about my own mind and how it works. Coding was something I took for granted, just like walking or seeing. When this ability suddenly disappeared, I was left in awe.
I have changed jobs several times since and have had the opportunity to work in radically different environments and on very different projects. Getting fired sucks at that point, but it didn’t take away my skills or my character – it’s just another episode of my career.
It does, however, indicate a failure of some sort and an opportunity for a lesson.
So what if you find yourself in a situation that looks like burnout?
First, go see a doctor. A lot of people suffer from depression and burnout, there’s a ton of research on them, and people have built entire careers to study, treat, and manage them. Use their expertise and don’t try to go it alone.
Second, accept it. Don’t try to extract the productivity you have left by torturing yourself with work. You don’t owe it to anyone, and time spent in this mode will hardly make you a happier or healthier person.
In Western social democracies, it’s damn hard to starve, and you can have a decent life with very little. Step away from the income treadmill (it’s not going anywhere) – you can always step back when you feel ready.
And remember that all of your skills, experience, and character are always with you.
I still live near Zurich and am thriving. I’m working on building standalone flight control software with the best team I’ve ever had. They are curious people with incredibly diverse skills, from optics and 3D printing to aircraft certification and machine learning, from chip design to expertise in jet engines, piloting and entrepreneurship.
So I would say everything went well at the end and the exhaustion was a useful kick in the butt. Sometimes we all need it.
Grigory Yakushev is a team leader at Daedalean AI, where he works on building an autopilot for airplanes. He previously worked for Google and Nvidia.
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