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I am 31 years old and my wife 30 years old. We both live in New York. We have been married for four years. She earns a little more than I do, but doesn’t really save.
Three years ago, she started her Masters in Online Entrepreneurship, which cost $ 50,000. I was against it because I think it’s a waste of money. It was his dream to get a master’s degree even though it had nothing to do with his work in banking.
We have a joint checking account where I deposit my entire paycheck. However, she only put the same amount as me and her extra salary into her own secret account. His tuition fees and student debt come from our joint account.
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During the two years of her studies, our joint account never had more than $ 3,000. I was constantly stressed because we don’t have emergency money. It was a struggle to try to pay off his student debt.
She traveled twice to Europe during her school holidays. I was against that too, as we cannot afford it based on the joint account balance. She went there with her friends anyway, and every year she buys luxury bags. I had to ask my parents to join in to pay his credit card bills.
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“ During the COVID-19 shutdown, his spending and travel were interrupted, so our joint account grew. For the first time, he crossed the $ 7,000 mark.
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She told me that she didn’t have any money in her secret account because she had used that money to pay off her other credit card. We argued a lot about this. In the end, she graduated and her student loan balance was $ 12,000 at the start of 2020.
During the COVID-19 shutdown, his spending and travel were interrupted, so our joint account grew. For the first time, he crossed the $ 7,000 mark. She paid off her student loan in one go with the money from her secret account, about $ 10,000. This shocked me because I always thought she didn’t have any money in this account.
I suggested that we start saving money for a down payment on a house and put breaks on any trip for two years. She got angry, mainly because of the stay home order. She was bored. I told her that since she realized her dream of getting a master’s degree, it is now my turn to make my dream of owning a home come true.
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She insisted on saving money for travel, and said if I didn’t go, she would travel alone with the money. I finally blew a fuse and texted her parents to tell them I wanted a divorce. Since then, she has stayed with her parents. After I cooled down, I went and apologized to his parents.
His parents were so angry with me. Her mother said, “What’s so wrong with traveling and buying a few bags?” I said, “We don’t have any money for that right now.” My mother-in-law said, “You don’t understand. It is not a question of money. “
Her mother said she regretted giving her daughter permission to marry me. She said the money in my wife’s secret account was from her bonus and that it was her right to spend whatever she wanted with it. Her father told me to be a man and to treat my wife better, so I came home alone.
I’m frustrated. I kept my paychecks just so she could pay her school fees. We didn’t have a Roth IRA / health savings account, nor an investment account for her to achieve her dream. I don’t have any other accounts, and after four years of work I have a four-digit balance left in our joint account.
I just wish she shared more of the financial burden since she was spending so much. We are both Chinese, so there are a lot of “cultural” expectations for a husband to take care of his wife.
However, I felt that no matter what I do, I don’t get any appreciation for my hard work. I just hope she can come back and change, be more transparent and no longer have secret bank accounts. But in my heart I know the ship has sailed.
Devoted husband
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Dear husband,
There has been a lot of facilitation of your wife’s unreasonable behavior in this relationship, so I’m glad it finally happened. Of course, it’s best to tackle these issues before they hit a boiling point, but it’s a good thing you’ve put your cards on the table. Once they are there, there is no going back. As for your wife, she was not playing with a show of hands.
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The two of you can finally have an open conversation, but you should be doing it face to face without his parents present. This is your life and your marriage, and it has nothing to do with your in-laws. I urge you to remove them from the image from now on. Telling your in-laws that you want a divorce and discussing your marriage with them are bad signs. It’s time to take control.
I agree now is a good time to start both saving for a home and investing in your future. Your wife has a habit of doing what she wants without worrying about how it affects your joint finances. I guess she was spoiled by her parents and she / they assumed that you would continue to fund your wife’s travel, spending habits and education, while sacrificing your own needs.
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“ It’s common in a relationship for a person to put their own dreams on hold so that their spouse can make them come true and then turn the tables. But there is no room for role reversal in your wife’s world.
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But there is nothing wrong with putting your needs first and meeting them as well. As you said, it is / was possible to do both, but your wife seems unwilling to understand or to compromise, and may be reluctant and / or unable to put herself in your shoes. It is not healthy behavior on the part of an adult. Your wife’s behavior is both childish and self-centered.
It’s always best to discuss your financial priorities before you get married so that you are committed to supporting each other. It’s common in a relationship for a person to put their own dreams on hold so that their spouse can make theirs come true, and then turn the tables. But there is no room for role reversal in your wife’s world, and that awareness is slowly building on you.
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When you talk to people who have divorced, they often say the same thing: “I thought they would change when we got married”, followed by “Nothing has changed”, with the end result “People don’t change. “. It may sound like a nihilistic view of the human condition, but overall I believe it is true. People usually show you who they are.
But who are you? What kind of life do you want? What kind of relationship would be healthy for you? Now is a good time to figure out what you want in life and decide if you are trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole with this match. You work hard and have admirable goals, and you see marriage as a two-way street. Your wife does not seem to share these same values.
It’s time to start living your life, instead of having your own dreams held hostage by another person’s endless demands.
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