Is Jeff Bezos really an astronaut? Not under the new FAA rules

Jeff Bezos is a lot. A tax evasion megalomaniac. A Dr. Mal look alike. A weirdly horny cowboy hat passionate. The only thing he isn’t, at least as far as the Federal Aviation Administration is concerned, is an astronaut.

It is according to a set of new directives that the federal agency issued on July 20, on the same day, the ex-CEO of Amazon briefly piloted a cock shaped space shuttle to the edge of space. Specifically, the updates relate to the FAA Commercial Space Astronaut Wings program and the criteria used to reward those who command, fly or work on privately funded spaceships with the coveted astronaut wings badge. And Bezos, at the end of the day, just doesn’t tell the difference.

First, in addition to flying in a craft that meets FAA requirements basic standards, the guidelines state that applicants must fly more than 50 miles above the Earth’s surface to qualify. Bezos actually encountered this bar during his flight – in fact, he did 62 miles. above sea level. The main problem is that it didn’t really do a lot during this flight. In the past, we’ve seen these wings awarded to pilots, like those who run the 2004 SpaceShipOne flight and the SpaceShipTwo in 2018. A year later, the first female (and non-pilot) would receive her wings when the FAA gave a pair to Beth moses, Chief Astronaut Instructor for Virgin Galactic.

All these numbers in fact do something on board; or, as the new FAA guidelines say, they “demonstrated activities during flight that were essential to public safety, or contributed to the safety of human spaceflight.” This is a new requirement for people seeking this badge of honor, and one that Bezos and his crew are dropping short of.

Because Blue Origin is The new Shepard spacecraft has been totally autonomous, there was no one responsible for actively pilot the thing, nor any person actually performing tasks essential to the “public safety” of the crew. Not only that, but the others who joined Bezos on New Shepard do not even qualify as members of the “crew,”Since the FAA defines this as employees or contractors associated with a company involved in the launch of the spacecraft.

Maybe that’s why Blue Origin already has his own winged pins Ready to go for all those who make a getaway in his spatialship. Bezos was among the first to be awarded those pins after the 10 minutes of New Shepard flight to the edge of space, to the sound of thunderous applause (and a few “Oooh” and “aaaah”) of all those concerned. Hey, at least that means Wally Funk has finally Something.