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Dear Miriam,
My neighbors went out of their way to get kosher meat for my family for our next neighborhood party. They were so kind and accommodating, and I enjoyed it so much that I forgot to check the schedule. It turns out, the neighborhood party is during the Nine Days, a time when we do not eat meat. What can I do to avoid repelling their thoughts?
Signed,
Oops Is Av
Dear Av,
Before I get into an answer, let me give you a little context for those who are not familiar: Tisha B & B Av, the ninth day of the Hebrew month of Av, is considered the saddest day of the Jewish calendar, one day to mourn the destruction of the Jerusalem Temple with all the other tragedies that have struck the Jewish people . In preparation for this community mourning experience, many Jews abstain from meat (and perform other mourning rituals) in the days leading up to this solemn day, with a highlight on the current day with a full day of fasting.
All Jewish holidays, Tisha B'Av moves around the secular calendar, and it can be overlooked amidst summer holidays and gatherings. Now that you have made this oversight understandable, however, you must understand how to keep up with your observance while not alienating your neighbors.
As important as it is for others to meet your needs, it is really graceful if it comes with an understanding of what the needs really are and why. Direct honesty seems to be the best way possible.
As soon as possible, stop at the neighbor's house. Say something like, "I wanted to come before the neighborhood party to thank you again for accommodating my family by eating kosher meat. Normally, everything you have done would be perfect to make us completely comfortable and able to eat with everyone. I made a mistake with the calendar, however, and I wanted to explain. This week is part of a sad period of the Jewish calendar when many people, including my family, do not eat meat for nine days.
"I can tell you more about why you are interested, but on the results is, we will not eat kosher meat this week. I'm happy to buy it and bring our own veggie burgers to the barbeque for us and anyone who wants to eat vegetarian, but there's no need to serve kosher meat at the feast of neighborhood if we are the only ones who would eat it. "
You might be met with an empty look.You might never have your neighbors rout themselves to accommodate your kashrut again.But you do not try to pretend anything or pretend your mistake or your beliefs.
There is another column in which I could have suggested not to say a word to your neighbors, to take a burger without eating it or even to rely on the lack of consideration of others to eat the meat kosher that was not intended for them, but you would not gain by these strategies, while being honest with your neighbor, you could better understand each other's higher existential experiences, thereby contributing to the greater good.
Too much? Maybe, but as a former vegetarian turned casual and reluctant meat eater, and as someone with an always difficult relationship to Tisha B & V, it is important to own vo be uncomfortable and know what is really going on. I've had multiple experiences in the vegetarian era where someone made me a roast portabella, or something as harmful as my main course, and I had to explain, many times, that I Was vegetarian and I hate mushrooms. The problem with accommodations is that when someone does them for you in a way that you do not want, you and the other person are left unsatisfied and put out and misunderstood.
Although this is not the problem you have stated, Tisha B 'Av can be hard to deal with for many contemporary Jews. A day of mourning prescribed for tragedies that are centuries old is not something that a company that sells cars for Memorial Day can really understand.
I like to think that part of the lesson of the day is how to be a modern person who can contextualize what the old tragedies would look like if they happen today. Or, as with much of Judaism in America today, to see Tisha B'av as an opportunity to inhabit two realities, two cultures, two realities at once.
I know you asked me a question about a barbecue, and I answered about the civilization as a whole. But if we do not see our observance as related to something bigger – sometimes much, much bigger – maybe just eating the hamburger would be a more logical choice. If this is not the direction for you, then I hope all this context adds meaning to your choices and improves your connection with your neighbors.
Be well,
Miriam
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